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XxXx-Eternal-Snow-xXxX
~:~ Concrete Angel ~:~
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#1
Old 08-05-2009, 04:22 AM

A red dress dappled in the shade
Sits alone in a park
That was once filled with children’s laughter
No hope just despair
Floating on a breeze comes a menacing feeling approaching from the east
On outstretched hands there sits a cardboard box
The red dress reaches out to take the box without looking into those steely blue eyes
No words were passed
No human sound was uttered
Just then a breeze caressed a face
Quivering hands untied the box with a look of puzzlement and uncertainty
The winds stirred the contents of the box
Blowing dust into the sky
A silence so intense that all could be heard was a quickening heart beat
A look of uncertainty turned to horror and dread
When lying in the bottom of the box was a gold wedding band.


~:~ so any thoughts? alot of people told me it was too vauge :drool: ~:~

Shtona
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#2
Old 08-05-2009, 06:56 PM

Hm, I like it, but it seems to be more of a story than a poem. There's no set rhythm or rhyme scheme and I think that's why. This is one of those pieces that just gets stuck between the two I suppose, not really a poem, but not really a story either...

Oh, and I like that it's vague. It forces you to create the rest of the story. That's an odd thing for me to say because I use a lot of detail in my writings, so you found a good balance...well done.

XxXx-Eternal-Snow-xXxX
~:~ Concrete Angel ~:~
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#3
Old 08-05-2009, 09:30 PM

yay thank you very much. and i guess i just need to work a little more on the next poem xD

XxXx-Eternal-Snow-xXxX
~:~ Concrete Angel ~:~
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#4
Old 09-21-2009, 10:55 PM

anymore thoughts on this? :(

VeRiTaS_CuRaT
Akira
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#5
Old 09-22-2009, 01:07 AM

After close examination I declare this poem...about the Holocaust?
Yes you told me, but every time I read it I understand it more. It's very nice.

Screams-Of-Death
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#6
Old 09-23-2009, 08:08 PM

Amazing Poem. I loved the description, and the images it made me picture within my head.

Roslynn Von Nightshade
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#7
Old 09-25-2009, 12:07 AM

Vague, indeed. ^ ^ But rightfully so. Some things needs that vagueness.
"I like that it's vague. It forces you to create the rest of the story"-Shtona
Lovely, my dear.^ ^

XxXx-Eternal-Snow-xXxX
~:~ Concrete Angel ~:~
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#8
Old 10-01-2009, 01:39 AM

YAY! *glomps everyone* thank you very much =D

For-Chan Cookie
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#9
Old 10-01-2009, 09:25 AM

It's just all too disembodied for me. And not in a good way. I'm not getting this haunting feeling that I think you're going for. There's a complete lack of emotional attachment. Dare I say, it feels like the poem falls short because you are trying too hard?

XxXx-Eternal-Snow-xXxX
~:~ Concrete Angel ~:~
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#10
Old 10-01-2009, 07:36 PM

that always was my downfall with peoms Dx

For-Chan Cookie
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#11
Old 10-01-2009, 10:28 PM

There's always room for improvement. I'd say less vague hinty stuff and more straight forward content.

XxXx-Eternal-Snow-xXxX
~:~ Concrete Angel ~:~
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#12
Old 10-02-2009, 08:29 PM

ill try that next time x3

Lovers Never Tell
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#13
Old 10-07-2009, 02:42 AM

It's not only that it's vague, but it also lacks real imagry. You need to paint a picture with the words and put the emotion in it that is suppose to go with the poem. Otherwise, you leave your reader guessing, which isn't really always the best way to go; especially with this kind of poem. You're telling a story; it's prose with line breaks. Understand?

Also those line breaks are dramatically off, losing the flow of the poem. When you read it, where do you naturally pause? That's where you start a new line.

Most of what you written can be shortened and expanded in meaning if you used better metaphors. Then you could also be vague, but still get your point across. You're writing's pretty standard, really. Not meaning offence at all. Just saying it needs a lot of work if you're serious.


I hope this helped.

LNT

 


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