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Inknote
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#1
Old 08-31-2009, 12:47 AM

That night we wished upon a star
I think it fell straight from the sky
Along with the secret wishes and laughs
Into my heart it did dive.

That night you talked with me for hours
I think my heart did swoon.
Even though the price was cheap
The memory is more precious than the moon.

That night you said it will be okay,
All my worries up and flew
And that trust that you have so surely earned
Allows me to believe and follow you.

That night you sang for me so free
I think I became your biggest fan.
No matter how good or awful the sound,
It’s the sweetest melody in the land.

That night you said those three small words
I think the world could /hear/ me smile.
It was then I knew for sure
The distance is a weak rival.

Every night you give to me
Such an honest grin
It’s such an amazing feeling
That I hope will last until the end.

That night we wished upon a star…
I think my wish came true.
All I could have ever wanted
Was everything found in you.

I'll post others as we go, but this is the first I want crit. on. I wrote it when it had some meaning, but now I don't know if it matters. :(

IAmNellie
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#2
Old 09-01-2009, 03:53 AM

The only suggestion I can think of is that in the beginning it sounds like you're trying to force it to rhyme...which makes it sound choppy. The rest of it is amazing though and flows pretty good.

 


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