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Lovely Kyuketsuki
Kyu
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#1
Old 09-04-2009, 07:59 PM

Swaying
I feel life's beat move through my spirit
flowing....left...then right, enticing me to dance to it's rythm.
With a shuffle of my limbs I move along with the beat.
pulsing....feeling free....I pick up an unplanned pattern with my feet.
I find myself swaying....
....
....swaying...just gliding along.
My life dances before my eyes....

S...
...w
...a
........y
..i
.....n
.........g.........I almost missed the song.

Hayzel
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#2
Old 09-05-2009, 06:28 PM

Very calming and soothing with nice choices of words. As far as punctuation goes, I understand what you're doing with the letters S-W-A-Y-I-N-G, however earlier in the in the poem you use both 3 and 4 dot intervals. You should probably choose one or the other(3 is usually standard) and be consistent with that. Also leave spaces after the dots. You're trying to slow the rhythm of the poem down and have "word....word" is kind of defeating the purpose. Adding an extra space causes the reader to slow down just a tad more. But overall well done.

 


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