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the tree is hanging me
oh so this tree
i hang from it its bark does really smell like shit my blood does flow all to the ground my body sways without a sound this pain inside around my neck i hug myself like "what the heck" so goodbye world and so long now i slowly die without a sound |
I think I'm going to just quote what I said in another comment elsewhere.
Rhyming doesn't make it a poem and dark themes don't make it deep. If you're going for deep, it just reads as too juvenile to make me contemplate anything. The rhyming does nothing for you and rhyming neck with heck? Heck pretty much blows your chances of it being a serious poem. Though, you might not be going for serious, I can't tell. Next time, try leaving out the rhyming or find a different rhyme pattern with some longer lines for a better poem. |
all for one and damned for all
crying in the night
heart is beating slow mind is losing sane red blood starts to flow running fast in fear gun straight to the head skin is turning cold corpse inside your bed skin rotting from flame monitor has stopped murderer on the loose running from the cops you say you know hell "its not bad" you hear but think again, bitch you have no idea -elmo:twisted: |
screamolight, since user are only allowed to have one Poetry thread, I've merged your two topics together. :yes:
Just remember to update this thread with all of your new pieces. |
i definitely like the second one better than the first. try writing a free-verse poem to see if you like non-rhyming poems. also work on using imagery and metaphor, that would help make it deeper and thus more interesting.
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