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Nikolas
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#1
Old 10-05-2009, 10:49 PM

Mistress of Sleep—
Only you,
Can put me out of my misery,
And I shall—
Have all of eternity,
Many sleepless nights
Dreams—
Awaken,
Sounds—
Murmur within unison,
Nothing,
In mind
Because,
I am,
A memory,
That no one remembers.
Oh,
Mistress,
Of Sleep,
Take me out of my misery—
No more,
Pain,
And cries,
That fills the night,
With anguish—
Passion,
May rot the brain,
Love,
Is,
A word,
For lovers—
Nothing,
Can be said,
In my part,

My love,
Which,
I thought—
Was true,
May possibly be,
Wondering—
Could I be wrong?
Oh,
Mistress,
I am calling,
End—life—
Loneliness,
I had—
An eternity of rest,
Eyes are fluttering—
Closing,
Senses—
Aware,
“Rest,”
I hear—calling—
Falling,
Into,
Abyss—
Eternity—
No one cares,
As I fall,
No one,
Comes—
To my aide
I am dead to the world—
Mistress of Sleep,
Take me,
My time is now!

Nikolas
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#2
Old 10-05-2009, 10:52 PM

You used to move me, every single time you came through the door
And I used to be Tight in my chest,
It deepened every single time you came near.
Nothing except bliss filled my heart
Awakened my soul—
“Friends” we were called,
Until a night that changed all.
Nothing made me happy,
But to hear—
To touch—
Many thoughts passed through the mind,
At this time
But how to say them
I can not know
You were the acid that tore through me
The lions den of shame
I can not mourn if I can not breathe
Leave leave leave me alone
Get out of this place
Reserved only for love
I can not hate you if you stay
Can you see me vexed in this shallow plane of existence
Left alone cold without a home
I knew you once for your shelter
Your face gave me sun to see
Your eyes were the sky
Uncluttered by clouds of despair
Your ears were my god
Hearing every prayer
What happened
What did I do
I am not soddom and Gomorrah
I did not ignore your warnings
Why do you persist with this fire
Will you not leave me to move on
My chance for love has arrived
Do you aim to rob me of this hope
Would this be your last hurrah
Your encore
I can not move on
I am paralyzed
And I think I could just let this love
Pass right by me

Lovers Never Tell
Is that what you call a getaway?...
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#3
Old 10-06-2009, 10:41 PM

Okay, so I'm going to do a REAl crit here because I like a lot of your stuff written. Don't take my special attention the wrong way. ;)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nikolas View Post
You used to move me, every single time you came through the door line break after "move me" to keep the flow of the poem. Remove the comma. I'd like to also see a little more imagry here. Maybe -- "You caused this rock to tumble every time your shadow climbed up the closing door." See how that gives movement to the poem and yet also gets the same point across?
And I used to be Tight in my chest, don't repeat words like "used to". It sounds boring. Uncapatilize 'tight'. I'd also like some word play here.
It deepened every single time you came near.[COLOR="red"]This is kinda redundant and extremely cliche. Especially since you yet again repeated something. Try... (going with the rock idea above) "My chest caved with every decending step you took toward me. [/COLOR}
Nothing except bliss filled my heart semi-colon.
Awakened my soul—period.
“Friends” we were called,
Until a night that changed all.These could lines could be combined easily if you used some imagry and it would also sound a lot more exciting.
Nothing made me happy, no comma
But to hear—semi-colon
To touch—maybe elipses? (...) Because it sounds like you mean to trail off here.
Many thoughts passed through the mind, Again imagry!!! "Many thought rolled though my head's pasture" And no comma
At this time This just hangs horribly. Add it to one of the other lines again simply put "then" instead of the three words.
But how to say them
I can not know"I didn't know" because of the previous past tense terms. STAY IN THE SAME TENSE.
You were the acid that tore through me AMAZING!
The lions den of shame BEAUTIFUL! More of this!!!!
I can not mourn if I can not breathe Well, why can't you breathe and why would you be mouring? You kinda skipped into something else without there being a transition. Also, I would suggest a new stanza here because of change in a) tense and b) subject.
Leave leave leave me alone Again, don't repeat word like "leave". Try using other things like:: "Go, Shoo, LEAVE! me alone" See the emotion added there? (Of course grammer is excused here because of the exclamation of Leave to give it more of a dramatic feeling).
Get out of this place
Reserved only for loveperiod. And I want the imagry you used!! It was so good.
I can not hate you if you stayperiod.
Can you see me vexed in this shallow plane of existenceLine break after "vexed". and I'm lovin that usage of stronger words. Use the theasuarus more often!
Left alone cold without a home comma
I knew you once for your shelterperiod
Your face gave me sun to seeYou can make this prettier! :P Period
Your eyes were the sky
Uncluttered by clouds of despairperiod. I'm likin that "Unclutter by clouds" but the despair can be done away with. Maybe instead put "Gray" in front of clouds to show the darkness in another way.
Your ears were my god
Hearing every prayer This is very nice.
What happened question mark
What did I doquestion mark. Now the problem with questions in a poem is that the reader doesn't know the answer. So, unles you provide it, really they're pointless to ask.
I am not soddom and Gomorrah Soddom? I'm not sure you misspelled something or if you're referencing something I'm not familair with. So I'll ask you to explain, please?
I did not ignore your warnings What warnings? He gave warnings? Don't mention something in a poem if you're not going to explain it fuller than a couple of words, so EXPLAIN IN THE POEM WHAT WARNINGS THERE WERE.
Why do you persist with this firequestion mark. What fire? This fire thing is left field.
Will you not leave me to move onQuestion mark. Again the thing with the questions.. it's hurting you badly now.
My chance for love has arrivedperiod.
Do you aim to rob me of this hope Question mark. This one works here because the of the line before it.
Would this be your last hurrah semi-colon
Your encoreperiod. I'd like to see a little more put into his leaving.
I can not move on
I am paralyzedThis is horribly cliche and is pretty much already concluded since you asked him not to leave. So it's redundent and just only serves to hurt your poem.
And I think I could just let this love
Pass right by meThis suddden change of mind doesn't work for you at all because of the way you worded it. You can put something else here and it mean the same thing, but come off SOOOOOO much better.
All in all, I KNOW you can use imgary. You did and it was well put. SO use it more often through out the poem. Give me more metaphors, more similes. I also want emotion, not just action in this poem. ((Like I did with the "Go, Shoo, LEAVE!...))


It's a good start, really it is. I hope this helped you! If you have any other questions please do message me. I'll be happy to answer.


LNT

Knerd
I put the K in "Misspelling"

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#4
Old 10-06-2009, 11:13 PM

Nikolas, I've merged your two Poetry threads together. Please remember that each user is only allowed to create one Poetry topic. :yes:

 


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