
10-06-2009, 10:11 PM
You have a beautiful idea going. However, you lack a lot of the general poetic devices. Rhyme isn't everything, and usually isn't even used a lot. Try adding similes, metaphors, and other things like that. Also, some of the wording is weird such as::
"so she alone sailed"
I'd suggest you use the correct syntax and instead write "so alone she sailed" that way it doesn't ruin the flow of your poem because the reader has to slow down to follow it. Grammer would also be a lot of help here as a way to direct the poem and also to help with where one thought ends and the other beings. Otherwise it just looks like it runs on forever, though line breaks do help out with that. Grammer is typically a little shaking in the poetry world because there's a few forms where grammer doesn't count, but I'm sure you understand why I'm remarking on it here.
Other than that, I see the beginning of talent. I hope this helped out.
Good luck!
LNT
|