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midnightlake
Midnight
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#1
Old 11-13-2009, 11:57 PM

With piercing eyes
you look right through
a pang in my heart
you cut it in two
you see the rules i've dared to defy
you seemed to have knew
well aren't you sly
my pain, my pleasures
my joy, my treasures
you see it all with just one glance
and this i call our emotions at dance

dream_seer
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#2
Old 12-22-2009, 07:23 PM

i rather like it. but on the 6th line did you mean known instead of knew?

Meccavari
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#3
Old 01-05-2010, 11:42 PM

he has a point, it would be known but i can also see that you are trying to rhyme your sentances as well. how about instead of talking about how he had known you could say that he had known and thats what you knew? just a thought, not a very good one though....
i like the poem, it is very suggestive and manipulative. keep on writting ^^

 



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