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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-01-2010, 08:39 PM
We were floating in water
Then my heart is screaming,
and there are fireworks
flowing through my veins
Light dribbles from my soul,
and out my eyes
and washes me in
with the rest of the world
The rust is stripped,
and the old blue-black paint,
is peeled away
It shines again
like when I was just a child
I knew she would,
but when it happened
It was life starting over again
she kissed me
our first kiss
My favorite kiss
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ghostPastry
👻🍰
☆☆☆
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01-01-2010, 11:12 PM
Awww, this is so sweet! >w<
The first line really has impact, and your choice of words and short lines keep the poem powerful.
You might want to capitalize the first letter of every line, as the off-and-on is a bit distracting, also I noticed the tense change in lines 2-12 and then after that, it changes back. That's nothing huge, so it's up to you whether or not you want to change it, but the poem in its essence is, in short, amazing.
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-01-2010, 11:48 PM
thank you very much. the tense change is meant to make it feel more rushed, and excited. as for the Capitalization i forget sometimes that in poetry you don't have to adhere to normal grammatical rules... although i don't think i would capitalize "and" just wouldn't seem right.
thank you for looking at it. :)
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ghostPastry
👻🍰
☆☆☆
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01-01-2010, 11:50 PM
Well, you do, because it's a poem and that's just part of the stylization... it doesn't really have much to do with grammar. ^^;
And that's what I figured was up with the tense change. <3
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-01-2010, 11:54 PM
I know that doing that is almost a cliche (accent mark) but that is how it felt. we were only kissing for a second, and there were a whole lot of feelings that went with it.
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ghostPastry
👻🍰
☆☆☆
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01-01-2010, 11:55 PM
I don't think it's a cliché at all! I really liked how you conveyed emotions using it. :3
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Lovers Never Tell
Is that what you call a getaway?...
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01-02-2010, 02:23 AM
This poem is VERY comfusing. There's absolutely no transitions to connect the three-four parts you have written about.
Why were you on water?
Why was your heart screaming?
What do fireworks have to do with any this?
Why is there light pooring form your soul?
What's rusted and paint blue-black? What does that part have to do with the poem?
Where did this girl come from suddenly and what has she done?
When what happened? Why did life start over?
Wait? This was about your first kiss???
See. Your poem should explain every bit of those questions. You're jumping around and there's nothing but this happened then this and this and then it ended like this. You're stuck on story telling where a poem should show not say. If that makes sense. You have a wonderful start, though.
And don't you dare answer those questions I put up there in the next post. I don't really want the history. I pointed them out so you could go back in your poem and answer them poetically. Got it? lol
;)
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-02-2010, 02:32 AM
It's not that kind of poem, although i do understand where you are coming from. It is meant to be confusing. It is meant to be fast. The poem, is about something that lasted less than half of a second.
I think you are thinking more along the lines of a sonnet, in which case everything you say would be correct, however this poem is meant to convey a feeling which only existed for an instant. The poem is kinesthetic, not visual. Does that make sense?
It is telling the reader how I felt for the instant that the kiss lasted.
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Lovers Never Tell
Is that what you call a getaway?...
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01-02-2010, 04:26 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarofset
It's not that kind of poem, although i do understand where you are coming from. It is meant to be confusing. It is meant to be fast. The poem, is about something that lasted less than half of a second.
I think you are thinking more along the lines of a sonnet, in which case everything you say would be correct, however this poem is meant to convey a feeling which only existed for an instant. The poem is kinesthetic, not visual. Does that make sense?
It is telling the reader how I felt for the instant that the kiss lasted.
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You obviously don't know what you're talking about. A sonnet is just a form, dear. ALL poetry needs to be complete. You can make it confusing and still have all those questions answered. This piece is incomplete, it's missing parts and that makes it devistating to read.
The kind of poem it is is a free verse. That's just the form. That's all it is. A form is just the rules you follow to write a certain way. It pace is made through line breaks. Something fast would normally have short lines so it's just a bing, bam, read. Of course the SUBJECT lasted for a moment. that doesn't excuse you from not fully writing this poem. You can make a moment lsat forever in a poem; there's been ballads made from just a kiss. And then there's forms that last only a couple lines on something that lasts forever, but it works. The length of the poem means nothing to the subject. All the length has to do with is: 1) are you filling it with fluff? 2) have you FULLY explained and said what you wanted the way you wanted and in a way that comes off right to the reader. 3) Does the length do the poem justice?
A "visual" poem is when you use white/blank space to give the poem a physical aspect as well. I suggest you see my Collective for examples of that one. And still it gives no reason why your work should be
we did this.
this happened.
that happened too
causing this
and then this
and then it made me feel like this
and thisis how it ended.
Your job as a poet is to express something that can't be expressed by normal means. Understand? For instance, how would you describe something like a color to a blind person? Or a sound to someone's who deaf? You wouldn't just say well it's loud or it's bright. No, you'd have to find a way that appeals to their senses, right? That's what you're doing as a poet, hun. You're taking this moment and you're explaining to someone how it made YOU feel. I can't feel like you. I have different feelings when I kiss someone.
Does explaining it like that make more sense?
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-05-2010, 10:05 AM
My hat is wool and they dyed it black
Then they sold it in a gift shop
I saw it there and brought it home
And I shan't ever take it back
My friends say it's an old man's hat
To be worn by someones pop-pop
I still set it down upon my dome
And they'll have to deal with that.
Made of soft and fuzzy wool
They made it in New York
This dark black hat upon my brow
My fedora crown to rule
I wouldn't like a hat of brown
It would make me look like a dork
So I'll just have one hat for now
And that won't get me down.
A
B
C
A
D
B
C
D
Repeat.
I LOVE MA HAT!!:insane:
I think this form sounds choppy.
I generally write prose.
Last edited by sarofset; 01-06-2010 at 01:07 AM..
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ghostPastry
👻🍰
☆☆☆
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01-06-2010, 01:04 AM
I like it, and it's not so choppy that it's distracting.
However, I think you should consider changing the line: "I think my hat is cool." It doesn't really fit in.
Also, if you changed "it'd" in line 14 to "it would," then I think it would flow better. :3
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-06-2010, 01:08 AM
Is that better? I think it sounds better, but I can't figure out what is missing. It bothers me.
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ghostPastry
👻🍰
☆☆☆
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01-06-2010, 01:12 AM
That's much better! :D I didn't actually know it was about your fedora until you added that! ^^;
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-06-2010, 01:16 AM
I only own one black hat. And I only wear that one anyway. Oh!
I have another one to put! one sec.
I was really tired when I wrote it though, so expect no miracles. :)
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ghostPastry
👻🍰
☆☆☆
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01-06-2010, 01:30 AM
I thought you might have gotten a new one. >_>
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-06-2010, 01:40 AM
She is my red gold,
My proof against entropy,
becoming more perfect for me with every passing second.
Her loveliness defies the laws of nature.
Her heart shines brighter than the stars,
and its warmth could out-burn them,
yet it is soft like the reflecting glow of the moon,
and purer than the fiery dawn.
I know it isn't great, but I was tired. :)
Last edited by sarofset; 01-06-2010 at 02:07 AM..
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ghostPastry
👻🍰
☆☆☆
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01-06-2010, 02:06 AM
Aw, it's so sweet! <3
I love the imagery.
(ooh, but it's "out-burn", not "out burn")
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-06-2010, 02:08 AM
As I said I was sleepy. Therefore you should just be happy that every word doesn't have a t at the end. For some reason, when I'm tired I do that.
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Lovers Never Tell
Is that what you call a getaway?...
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01-08-2010, 01:53 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarofset
She is my red gold,
My proof against entropy,
becoming more perfect for me with every passing second.
Her loveliness defies the laws of nature.
Her heart shines brighter than the stars,
and its warmth could out-burn them,
yet it is soft like the reflecting glow of the moon,
and purer than the fiery dawn.
I know it isn't great, but I was tired. :)
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See this is what I meant when I said paint a picture. With this one it's more on the sensory level where it needs to be. The other one about your hat is still on that "see jane run" type of speak and has very little description. For instance, like briannamal said, they didn't know it was a fadora until you said so. You're reader isn't a mind reader, so you have to always explain everything to it's fullest.
This poem is much, much better. Bravo.
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sarofset
Jeddak of Helium
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01-09-2010, 12:47 AM
Thank you. I usually write stories and such, and therefore I haven't really done anything like this since my British Lit class my senior year of high-school. And the hat one was supposed to sound childish. I was very tired when I wrote it, and I think I may have been having a manic spell. :insane: I get those.
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