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Poems Far as thee eye can see!
As my music flows from my mind
Their is that special creative place for all of us to find You may like to draw, to write Its your own tune to control, To know the purpose To know what to love What to hate What to change What we all hold dear Will come out. ~I know i'm not good. Sometimes its hard to find that special place. I try I guess thats good enough. ^^. I need help to see what I need to work on. I love to write. We may say farewell, Yet you will always be there, In my heart you stay ~I love haiku's To kill is to live The way you think is our wrong We're the ones to blame We all lose someone we love A loved one, A baby, a grandparent, a parent, yourself To fall in to depression Is a wrong The sorrow we feel The fault because you never said "i love you" enough. You never know how much you love something until its gone. Until then you'll never know how bad it feels, you never know how much you hurt. But what to do is look up to the heavens, pray, and know someday, We will be there along side them Think positive They are looking from above, Cheering you on. You know no matter what you will remember them for who they were. And we will never say "Bye" I need to know why....: One day your there The next your not One day we argue The next were friends One day were lovers The next we're in a war with eachother One day you say "I love you" The next "I hate you" Do you really love me in the first place? Plz Help i need critiquing |
I think they're really good. Just remember that it is something that you like to do. Just like drawing a picture, there is no right or wrong way to it. It is just you. I know my poems are a way for me to get my emotions out.
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The Day Our Eyes Met
Was the day we fell in love. That was also the day you broke my heart You and that slut That stupid blonde With those beautiful eyes Well your so done Your out Your gone Im Out Your so gay Your so wrong Your so stupid She'll use you and leave you wanting more She already has another Now you know how I feel I would've fallen out of the sky for you Be the fallen angel in love with a demon But no You fell for that wench That slut That user And left me in the cold. Pfft stuff like this just gets so damn old Im done with loving you. Dark-thank you ^^ |
Do you really know me?
Do you know everything I said i loved to do Or do you know the me that You want me to be I wish you could see me for who i am Its not on the outside whats important Its the inside Do you know the real me Who Likes to draw and play like you do Or do you know the one who tries to please you 24/7 Do you know the me who likes music and jokes like you do Or do you know the one who "bitches" to much Do you know the one that cries over anything involving you Or do you know the heartless one I hope you know the real me Not the untrustworthy one you think every girl to be I'm not like your es I never will be as heartless I wont use you I would never let you hurt yourself I would never be mean or insult you unless it was a joke We do get in fights But thats because you dont trust me. The real me. I understand You have changed from the person you used to be I guess it was for me You tell me you never want to lose me You always want me To be me But i wonder IF You know the Real me Not the one you think i might be I am an individual A person Not a clone You expect me to be like you A follower A person controled by your leader I lead myself And I never will follow your ways Kind little kitten You've been lost Stuck in a mitten My lost little kitten My lost little kitten Fell into the lake We will miss my dear kitten Until daybreak My lost little kitten Washed up on a shore Freezing it paws Until when she walked she was sore My lost little kitten Warmed in the sun Soon to be followed By a fox on the run My lost little kitten Ran for her life The fox filled her with frieght My lost little kitten Ran on a boat Where it floated Off the dock My lost little kitten Walked its way off Went Down the street Saw our dog with a bone Ran to the house and had found her way home Our little kitten Walked over to her bed Then laid her head On the pillow And Went to sleep Thinking of the adventures of the past week |
Do you want an honest to god crit or just some cute comment lieing to you that your poetry's actually "good"?
If it's the second one, I'll just leave this thread now... If it's the first, I'll edit this one and we'll start from the beginning with the basics. |
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I like it, bravo! :yes:
You have good hand of poetry. |
As I sit here
the moonlight casts a shadow on my face I look into the crystal mirror we call the ocean I miss you They sent you to war That wretched place, that sucks the life from all who go there I looked into the open water Hoping you would return, The man I loved, cherished, and respected as my equal Yet that dream never came true I had gotten the awful news about how your ship had capsized in the crystal waters I call home I cried that night And every night after I went out to the dock every single night after that Still hoping that the news was in fact not true. I died many years later by being malnourished and depressed. Waiting for you. My spirit still wanders, standing at the dock Waiting for my love to someday return home. You touch my face, I blush ever so slightly You love me I love you The day came where we had to say goodbye The sun Ever so slightly warms the air as I fall asleep Under the tree where we used to lay And look at the stars The shining beings in the neverending sky I may be young but I understand My place in this world Unlike my elders who struggle to find their place Same with the younger ones who play games and pass the time I wish i was that age again So i may tend to think differently Yet that could never happen. I would have saved our relationship. Our love, our happyness Instead of helping to rot it all away Like the trash you think i am now. My parents hate me My friends envy me The ones I hate I suspect want to be me Yet I want to fit in be them. I wish upon a star That one day i will understand why you left Why they hate me And for some reason what im doing here on earth |
Well, we'll start with this one first then, I suppose.
As my music flows from my mindThis is pretty boring stuff... Why kind of music? Why from your mind and not some where else? Their is that special creative place for all of us to findReally? No kidding... You may like to draw, to writeI'm stopping here... this is... Its your own tune to control, To know the purpose To know what to love What to hate What to change What we all hold dear Will come out. Alight... So it's bad. Just straight up bad. Why? You can write all you please, but this is... nothing. This is more like something you half-assed in school because it was assigned and then thought you had some talent when it handed back with an A. You have no poetic devices what-so-ever. No sense of really anything worth reading... it's a nice beginning, but no where near done. You can turn this into so much more just by expanding the ideas and using metaphors, similies, imagery. Poetry, contrary to popular belief, is not just to let your feelings out, but it's an ART and should be done in an ARTFUL way. This is like drawing a stick figure and calling it a masterpiece. Give your poem direction. Tell me what kind of hate or love or why they may want to change things. This is YOUR poem, not the readers'. YOU give this life. YOU give it meaning. YOU'RE suppose to tell the reader what and how to think about it while giving them leway to come up with their own interpritation, ya know? I suggest... highly suggest, if you are to keep writing, and you should, read other poets stuff. Learn the poetic devices; maybe even a couple different forms. Just don't let this one back critique stop you. Someone had to say it, otherwise you'd never get better. Even I need critiques and I've been writing for 9 years. |
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p.S.I like the second poem in your collective, very ....very story-ish (in a good way) |
Okay, here's what I have to say: You obviously like to write and that's always a good thing. Think about what inspired you to write each of those poems. Obviously, that's what you're trying to get across to us, as readers. Using metaphors, analogies, imagery, etc. is very helpful when trying to get your point/picture across. In one of your poems, you said "the crystal mirror we call the ocean". That was nice. It started forming a picture in my mind. As the writer, your poetry is your own. Everyone has their own style. I've been writing for 10 years and can still write a poem, go back later, and change things about it. Poetry is, in my opinion, the hardest form of writing to critique because one person might love it, then another person may hate it. It just depends on what the reader gets out of it. But it is up to you to make sure you get across what we need to know. You could try taking a creative writing class or something to that effect. Look up poetry devices online if you have to. Those things can help you. It's good that you take constructive criticism well. A lot of writer's don't, even when they ask for it. But definitely continue writing! As long as you enjoy it, learning more about it can only do you good :)
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The reason I crit the way I do is becuase I was critiqued the same when I started. Writing, if you're serious, is a very hard thing to get into. It's extremely difficult to always come up with new things of explaining the same thing over and over and over. It sucks, basically. And I have come to find that while people may like to write, they're not serious about it and just want the praise or attention that comes with writing their so-called poetry. I also want to teach people what it is to really write something profound. What you learn in school is not all there is to know. So, unless the person is serious, then why write at all and then get all pissy about it even though I gave the person exactly what they wanted?
I often say in my crits that I don't mean this as a way to discourage them from writing at all. It is what it is though. I got torn apart everytime I posted something. Even now I get that and it's what I need to be reminded that my shit doesn't smell like roses; especially since I'm fixing to be published here soon, hopefully. lol. But... You can go on through life trying to make something of yourself with this or be "good" with just ass pats and always getting "oh, that's so pretty" all the time, because it's not. I guess... I just took it on from my mentors and it also didn't help that when I started critiquing two years ago, that even when I was as nice as could be, I still got bitched out because I told them they needed work. Make sense? And thank you! If you have any comments on what you think could be changed on any of them, they'd be greatly appreciated! |
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Oh yeah and your poems hmmm some of them sound weird and skips i forget which one but you make it sound good so i guess there is no room for fixing since it still sounds great. Hopefully you do get published soon. ^^. |
Soon: more poems
When: IDK why: ID hav time to post ^^ that much. i will soon though |
We all know of death
As the fire from hell burns across crystal waters We call home We scream and cry and run for cover But we cant hide from the demons inside The eat us from the inside out Look into the cascade of fire arms The fire from afar See they place we call home Burning Burning infront of our eyes We cant fight the demons The demons With there fangs and scythes There Black eyes, the crystal pools that look into your soul The kill with one strike Killing everthing and everyone in sight The ones we loved and cherished The ones we hated and wished death upon The animals we helped from dying They drag your soul to hell for eterninty We all will die tonight from these demons The Fire comes closer Closer to you It burns your skin as your cornered in your house You scream And scream You try to escape But..... You burn and burn your skin peels off your face Your legs and arms burn to ash Your still alive somehow The demons come from below Grab your soul Then take you down to hell Where you belonged In the first place The things we call "home" Is just a joke The litle homes with the happy families Smiling the fake smiles "Loving" one another Why cant I have a family That loves and cherishes me That hugs me And loves me In a nice home with embroided table cloths And nice antiques A father and a mother Together As a family Thats all I want A "Home" A "Family" A "Place" To call my own. Feelings held inside You my lover cast aside We should say goodbye Lost little kitty My little lost kitty cat You died from the moon My love is so sweet Like a sugery treat My love is so true Like the lies that were never told My love is like the stars and the moon Like shining eyes with a cast of a crystal My love is like A mother and a baby A bond that never breaks My love is like a church God is what we cherish to all of his worth My love is so great You'll know its like a chain that could never break My heart is a concert It sings out loud On a really big stage To cast a sound The lights so bright The chairs all empty Except one You sit there And listen To my heart sing of the love The very love I had the first day I met you :love: lol okie :offtopic: Back on topic lol. |
You really, REALLY need to use proper grammar. It not only helps others take you seriously, but it also seperates one thought from another allowing it easier to follow what you're thinking.
And a lot of them seem to "skip". It's the style of writing used. |
@ Mewni - ( Post #15)
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