Under the light of the moon
(The Moon)
She walks to me
(She walks)
I can see
(I see)
Her death is bloody
(Drawn out)
Don't move
(Let me take a picture)
Her mouth opens in a silent scream
(No)
Blood furls from her gut
(Why?)
This is what you get
(What you get)
For chasing Fool's Gold


A/N: Constructive criticism would be appreciated. And It's sort of a poem within a poem I guess? The Parantheses make a poem and the non-parantheses make a poem. And it all makes a poem together. It's a different kind of format I'm using. And don't ask me exactly what it's about because I'm not entirely sure. Again please use constructive criticism. I really want to know if it's working.

I'm going to move this on over to the Poetry subforum for you, and you can make this your permanent poetry thread. :yes:

Thank you, Sizzla. I just noticed the Poetry Subforum.
:)

mmmm...... I like it, It is very intriguing.

just a tip, the parenthesis poem accents the poem very well but they dont make up there own poem quite as well. But it also depends on what you were going for.

Keep up the good poetry :)

I don't completely think the poem within the parentheses makes sense. Maybe it's just me.

I'm going to put notice right here. I'm going to use this thread to expand on this "three poems" idea. I like the way that I'm forced to think about it. Anyhoo.

Since two of you have expressed that the parantheses don't really make sense as a poem. I looked back over and here's another try with a little bit of difference. I'm going for more of an underlining affect to see if I can make the poem better.

Dying Inside
Terror that lights my heart
(Fill me up)
How could you leave me
(Empty)
The thumping of my heart
(Drowns out the screams)
Don't let me go
(I'm dying)
All alone inside

The Dying Inside poem is a bit better than the other one but they don't really flow. I like how the two accentuate each other but I don't think either half can stand up on its own.

Edit//Hey Blissful! I just realized you are in my RP! You should jump back in x3