tell me to cheer the fuck up?!
i'm listening to the rain on my window
feeling like a train wreck
an unraveling ball of yarn
and you're on the line
telling me there is no try
and all i want to do is drink
and sing my sad songs
and all you want to do is fuck
and i need someone to be nice to me
and you need an orifice
and i wouldn't be able to watch movies with you
so i really don't see how this would work out
you're way too into me
and i lie until it's real
but i just want a nice boy
a door holding
jacket taking
walk around the puddles boy
who will sing and rock me asleep
and we would have a dog
and we would call it nostradamus
because i don't care if you're not supposed to name your pet no
i want a future foreseeing dog
and i want that road trip that ryan and i planned in 8th grade
and i want that apartment in portland with seth
and i want to have a fifth and diet coke
and i want to be the willowy white girl that he wants
and i want to be happy
and this is where my head goes when i'm not
Quote:
|
why i love two in the morning
it's funny how life gets so beautifully messed up,
like a five year old's suit case
everything fits
almost.
and i wish i spoke good enough french
to properly explain my feelings
because i can't get them across in mere english alone anymore,
but we never payed attention in class
because we were the cool kids,
the breaking all the rules kids
who leaned against walls and ran down the halls
with crayons in one hand and a fag in the other
because cancer is chic, just like kissing is chic
just like those bad habits we keep in the back drawer
and those long black coats we kept in the closet
and those tortured angsty teenage years
we kept in a death grip
because don't you know that high school
is the best time of your life?
but we knew they were lying
because we were lying
and lying is fun when no one
finds out the hurtful truth right?
because isn't it better for "us"
to be based on pretty lies
instead of ugly, garish trust?
because trust is weakness, and weakness is death
and i used to watch you while you slept
because you turn to pumpkin dust around midnight-thirty
and i never thought that sleeping was easy
so the rise and fall of your chest was my lullaby
and the stars were like a nightlight
and you kept your shades open
so no unnatural darkness could creep in
because all badasses are afraid of the dark
even if we don't admit it
and i grow glory
and you piss excellence
and we're untouchable
except at two in the morning
when all those carefully planned
and painted facades fall down before
your closed sleeping eyes and my cold bloodshot ones
and that's the only time we actually see clearly
and that's why i love two in the morning.
|
sometimes. . .
sometimes
i live in the shower,
thirty minutes to brush my teeth.
i sing old jazz songs, because they're sad
and it's comforting to know that someone else felt like me.
sometimes
i walk around at night.
dark windows means people at peace.
peace because everyone's breathing is in sync,
i wish i could sleep that easy.
sometimes
i want to break all my mirrors
and tear out my hair
and throw up some more
because i don't see that willowy white girl that he wants.
sometimes
my head feels cloudy
like i am thinking in a dream
where logic dictates that jellyfish live in the sky
and grass is like fire. maybe it's smoke?
sometimes
i want to smoke until i suffocate.
because if i cough up blood, then i feel like a TB patient
and that gives me a reason to feel justified in feeling shitty.
and who needs lungs anyway.
sometimes
i live in the shower
thirty minutes to brush my teeth
because i can't get that feeling of perfect.
that feeling of clean. . .
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why should i care?
i am that one.
that one that paints those words
like i was an amoeba under a microscope
and the world looks on enthralled in a white lab coat.
i am that one that dreams up the rain
and flashes the sky
and i smell like the carnival
clove cigarettes and expensive perfume
and he smells like rain and dying flowers,
the sickly sweet of decay.
and i think of him all day.
and i don't care that
he doesn't care
or that nobody cares,
because caring is something you can't control,
so why would i want to?
and how many times did i look out the window and see him?
every time.
and how many times was he actually there?
once.
he's that one.
that one that brews up wit like any critic should
and we hang on every word as if it was truth
because he is god, right?
he is the one that drinks in the music and
sideways smiles,
sidesteps the important
and i pry the superficial.
and if he's that one,
and i'm that one,
then is there a chance we could be them?
then why couldn't we be a "them"?
i smell like the carnival,
clove cigarettes and expensive perfume.
and he smells like rain and dying flowers,
the sickly sweet of decay.
and i think of him all day. . .
and i think of him all day. . .
i think of him all day.
----------
Quote:
for jarre
Sometimes when these thoughts in my head
eat my body alive like ants crawling all over
an abandoned sidewalk hard candy
the ideas simmer under my skin
and swim in my bloodstream
using the red cells like inter tubes
and the white ones reserved exclusively
as country club yachts for my musings of you
and your voice and the candied acid
burning every look when you speak in a way
that drags razors over my skin
and tastes like crème brulee.
I think about the way
you hated cowboys and liars
and Monday morning stories;
too much like the corporate American dream
with a wife and a dog and a lawn
and the two point five kids that
you wanted nothing to do with,
but your slut high school sweetheart got pregnant
and you don’t even know if the first one is yours,
she looks oddly like your best friend’s sister
and speaking of sisters, you didn’t have one
but neither did I
so it was just another one of those things
that we had in common,
just like our sleeping habits
and love of old black and white movies;
and those times that we sat on your couch
and watched Casablanca
are the musings that ride on the yacht blood cells.
the blood simmering in my veins
the red blood cells are inter tubes
and the white ones reserved exclusively
as country club yachts for my musings of you
but not all of these thoughts are poetry.
|
----------
Dizzy Me Up, Drink My Heart In, and Call Me Baby One More Time
I remember when we danced,
Clumsy waltzing in your living room.
‘Terrible leader.’ I said, but really
I just couldn’t follow
Because I’m like the wind,
That no one leads anywhere.
And I love dancing,
Because it is the language of
Love that humans speak
When words fail.
I remember screaming
‘I love you’ through my eyes
So loud I’m sure that you heard it,
Even though I’m too terrified to say it out loud.
So dance with me,
Because my mouth fails.
Little white coffins holding back
The three most dangerous words one can utter.
Spin me around and dizzy me up
Like I drank too much wine
And can no longer distinguish the walls from the floor,
Or your mouth from my lips,
Or you fingers from my fingers,
Or your soul from mine.
And I love wine,
Because wine tastes like love,
All bitter and sweet,
That brings colour to your cheeks
And warmth to your torso,
And makes you feel so beautifully human.
So valid and vulnerable.
And I’ll drink up any time you want
If you just keep calling me baby. . .
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Quote:
|
The Universe is Cocking the Fuck-With-Me Gun
It's like that calm before the storm;
Laying silent after passions spent in the back seat,
His arms around me
And my mind so far away. . .
He was Hers.
She didn't want him, but he was Hers.
His heartbeat in my ear,
And I can hear him whispering sweet nothings to me.
She'll murder us both for being and "Us"
Out of principal,
Out of passion,
Out of jealousy.
Envy that "We"
Are better than "They" were.
He tells me I'm amazing.
I believe him,
But I can't help feeling
That She won't let "Us" last.
|
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Quote:
I'm No Angel.
I'll whisper my secrets in your ear
Silver fire in your chest
Pull you toward me just in case
I lie a little
To make you like me.
And just in case
You were searching for a princess
You took the wrong turn
My beautiful monster title
Resounds in these alleyways.
But i promise
I'll bring you your coffee and paper in the morning.
|
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The Space Between Your Ears Is Immeasurable.
Feeling selfish in a time prison.
Two days.
48 hours.
Until you arrive.
The grass will be electric blue
When you pull up and
We share
Lightning kisses in my driveway.
48 hours until you arrive.
Your eyes like the sea,
And i can't see what you see in me. . .
Glass shattering bells in my head as you talk.
Ringing, chiming, timing.
48 hours until you arrive.
And this time is pure torture.
----------
for you
i would pick the stars from the sky,
knit them into a jacket,
and throw it at you,
just so i could say
"never say i didn't give a fuck."
----------
mostly the last one
it's cold and i don't have a jacket
and you always have a jacket
and i always want to touch you.
i inhale and it smells like it did last year
and it smells like it did that night
and i remember the feel of your hand
on the small of my back
and your breath in my ear
and your chin on my neck
and i feel like i did when you held my hand
and i want to laugh
and i want to cry
and i want to scream
and i want to kiss you
and i want to be warm.
----------
The Reason I Smile Like That
it's because of the way you twitch
right before you go to sleep.
the way you always seem to be smiling at me.
it's because you think in lines and numbers
and your eyes have rings of orange in them.
it's because you dance with me,
and sing david bowie songs with me.
all the times you thought
about what i would like
all the times you played games with me,
because you're my grown-up version .of make believe.
and you have the warmest embrace,
like summer days with a light breeze
and i imagine laying under trees
with books and blankets and you and me
and we drink tea, because it's the british vicodin.
and nobody can make me laugh
when i want so badly to cry like you,
andi can't go to sleep without you,
and i don't know if you see it too,
but when i smile like that,
check into my eyes
they scream "i love you."
when i'm too afraid to say it.
----------
dana's dream
implants and a bag of bones;
cigarettes and rolling stones.
emaciated past recognition;
perfection in her position.
mirrors tell her in hushed tones,
"look at all those pretty bones!
food can't take you all that far,
starve on baby, you're a star!"
----------
[ some days i feel like crying, ]
some days i feel like crying,
like giving in and letting go
of this undying dream
i don't often let show.
my eyes sometimes go dull,
and my hair falls out,
and i keep quiet
when i really want to shout.
no one cares when a fatass
has an eating disorder do they?
"well, she could stand to lose a few."
is what they would say.
so while other people laugh,
as i walk my fat ass around
Ana and Mia protect me,
until i pass out and hit the ground.
i honestly love that feeling:
when i feel too weak to move.
it means that purging is working;
that fasting is working too.
somedays i feel like crying,
like giving in and letting go,
but i looke in the mirror as Ana and Mia tell me:
"not now, not ever! we love you to the bones!"
----------
Purge
my body is a battleground.
any time i'm called for a meal
a battle of wills ensues.
"dont eat that, you're already too fat!"
says my mind.
"you're about to pass out."
says my body.
"i just want some lemon water,
to settle my stomach."
i lie aloud to myself
as i stumble into the kitchen.
the kitchen: my own battlefeild.
i enter and automatically
cross to the fridge.
opening the door, the flourecent glow
spills across the floor like a stain.
i reach for the lemon juice but
stop. there's left over pasta
from dinner last night.
i grab the bowl as big as my
head, and shut the door.
three bites into my frenzy of noodles
i remember.
dropping the bowl onto the counter,
i spit into the rubbish
all the delicious calories.
unforgiving fingers purge me of sin.
i sip on water, getting the taste
out of my mouth.
back in the livingroom,
everything spins.
my hands shake,
my knees quake,
and the earth falls away beneath my feet.
----------
still alive
i could never go to that park again,
not after what he did.
i can't walk by the tunnel again,
because that's where he hid.
i waited in the night for silence;
while they were asleep i snuck out.
escaping the violence in absinthe,
escaping the echoing shouts.
He said the rusting car in the driveway
was much more important than my life.
He said he hated the sight of me,
my ugliness causing him strife.
so like other days i found comfort,
the bottle my way out of hell.
little did i know someone was waiting
in the park that i loved so well.
he watched me taking the sidewalk,
cement squares flying away.
i couldn't have guessed he would do it.
i wasn't the same from that day.
he captured my body and broke me.
my shattered soul never the same.
i thought that my first would be special,
or i would at least know his name.
he left my body bruised and broken.
the girl i was forever gone.
and only now i know it wasn't my fault,
and i won't let it happen again.
the scars that he left
run much deeper than skin.
his terrible theft:
the very worst sin.
my soul still in pieces,
so much left to give;
i'm glad i made the decision
to untie the rope and live.
----------
abc's
all bleeding, crying dreary.
every fool grasping hope,
is justly killing laughing minds.
not only people quite regretfully.
stop thinking.
understanding varies.
without xceptance,
you're zoning.
----------
untitled
look into the bleak oblivion
with broken heart and heavy eyes.
watching, waiting, tyrannical dominion
look out songs for secret spies.
with the flame of love untold,
the human mind dwindles and dies.
the heart will burn, the blood grow old,
and love's first memory softly cry.
in the womb, the marchers sleep
with no real life to watch fly by,
no heart, no soul, no means to weep.
the wanderer's song to oft imply
wherein the secret words were written
and in no memories wish to die.
the wit of tongue and all are bitten
sing prayers and ancient lullabies.
----------
stinging kisses
complications in life's long walk,
killing nation's hope in one quick shock.
love be sweet, and tender, and loud;
hate be need, powerful, and proud.
watching numbers pass by, time;
familiar faces recorded in mind.
wounds that won't heal as time passes by;
tears in the hands as children's' souls die.
superficial needs for masks and lies,
make statues bleed and make angels cry.
glinting metal angels with razor-blade wings,
give quick soft kisses, making you sting.
love's painful beauty a miracle cure.
cry out in the nighttime, your heart stained and sore.
head hung low, no more silent tears,
only wishing for lost time, all wasted years.
living the lie one more day at after another,
whilst started thinking: 'why even bother?'.
child flower games: nothing left to give,
just to find out what it is to live.
----------
ashes to ashes, dust to dust
woven fibers severed slowly,
while the pain, like acid, eats.
life, the tapestry frayed and folding,
scars for heart with wounded beat.
no more safe in bed inside,
than standing out in the rain.
they can't see the tears outside,
no one knows about the pain.
make believe that nothings wrong,
pretend like you don't care.
they'll all know when you are gone,
the things you never share.
secret whispers in the night,
like lover's words so soft and low;
they are seething with the spite
of the scornful weeping blow.
watching gleeful faces taunt
the dying embers of the flame
they all don't expect the haunt
even though they're the ones to blame.
no one cared to see it through,
so now, in black, they must
fake the cry of loss of you:
'ashes to ashes, dust to dust.'
----------
i'll love you for eternity (acrostic)
I wish you to know how much you mean to me.
Loving you has brought me to life,
Like nothing ever could.
Losing myself in your loving gaze.
Only you could have made me feel this way.
Very often i find myself missing you, even when you're just a room away.
Everyone will finally know how much our love means.
You are the one.
Our love will last til the stars burn out.
Underneath it all, you are the only thing that really matters.
Fresh and new, our life together is a fresh start.
Only you can make me laugh the way you do.
Reading your emotions by looking in your eyes, for they are the windows of the soul.
Everyday i'll wake up to your smiling face.
Together we take this step forward.
Everyday i'll prove my undying love to you.
Raping the world of one of the best men, brings a smile to my face.
Never have i been so happy before i knew you.
I'm yours completely
Til the end of time.
You had better know, i'll love you for eternity.
----------
forgetting to live
there are many things
i'd love to do,
and do them before i die.
but oh,how i've been a fool
oh,how i've made myself cry.
i wanted to see a miracle,
i wanted to fall in love,
i wanted to sing in public,
i wanted to fly above
the clouds i wanted to sleep on,
the buildings i wanted too see,
the the flowers i wanted to plant by my gate,
the trees that wave to me.
i wanted to see great cities,
and reside in the country for a while,
i wanted to kiss a stranger,
and make someone else smile.
i wanted so much
and got too busy,
i forgot to be me.
i forgot the thirst i had,
i was too blind to see
i forgot to do all i wanted,
i got so busy i forgot my dreams.
i had so many things to see ,
and so many gifts to give
it never once occurred to me,
that i had forgotten to live.[COLOR="Silver"]
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