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Trinity Bella
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#1
Old 08-03-2010, 06:54 PM

You said “I’m so sorry.” I said “Yeah, right.”
You said “Yes I am.” I said “No you’re not.”
I did my part; held on with all my might.
You didn’t care, though for your love I sought.

You said “I love you.” I said “Not hardly.”
You said “Come back.” I said “Not in your dreams.”
You played with my heart, now you have lost me.
My heart hurts and my life, torn at the seams.

You said “You need me!” I said “Not hardly.”
You said “You’ll be back.” I said “Watch me go.”
I aint ever comin’ back, just watch me.
I loved you once but my love for you dove.

You said you once loved me, now set me free,
To be what I wanna be, which is me!

wrylilt
Proud Mother, Happy Writer
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#2
Old 08-08-2010, 07:09 AM

Quote:
You said “I’m so sorry.” I said “Yeah, right.”
You said “Yes I am.” I said “No you’re not.”
I did my part; held on with all my might.
You didn’t care, though for your love I sought.
You could try and put "No but you ought" in the second line OR "You didn't care, though I loved you a lot" on the last line, so they both rhyme.


Quote:
You said “You need me!” I said “Not hardly.”
You said “You’ll be back.” I said “Watch me go.”
I aint ever comin’ back, just watch me.
I loved you once but my love for you dove.
You could try "I loved you once, but that was long ago" as a better rhyme?

Quote:
You said you once loved me, now set me free,
To be what I wanna be, which is to be me!
It seems to give it a more even flow.

Other wise it's a lovely poem, I like the wordplay back and forth between both characters in the poem.

Trinity Bella
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#3
Old 08-14-2010, 08:32 PM

THank you! I was looking at it and you are right. thank you for your advice

skye davis
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#4
Old 08-16-2010, 12:08 AM

:)i love your poem. it makes me remember having that conversation LOL!

Trinity Bella
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#5
Old 08-16-2010, 03:16 AM

yeah. . . those conversations are some of the hardest :-/

 


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