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wrylilt
Proud Mother, Happy Writer
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#1
Old 08-08-2010, 07:23 AM

I wrote this a few years ago. Feel free to comment or critique. It was inspired by watching a movie about a woman who stayed with a very violent man as well as what I've seen in life.

The Final Blow


The hand falls down
The angry man turns
She hits the ground
Feels the fire and burn

She can bear the hurt,
Even take the shame
Till she feels like dirt
And hates his name

Felled ‘neath his blows,
And forgotten dreams
Worthless she knows
Are her silent screams

She opens the door
Finally leaves her foe
She can take no more
It was the final blow

ZeGuMmIBeaRQueEn
⊙ω⊙
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#2
Old 09-30-2010, 01:34 AM

This was very, very good! It has a good flow to it, and a nice pattern. Not all of it rhymed exactly, but it was always close enough. Good job, keep it up!

Ode
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#3
Old 09-30-2010, 09:58 PM

Ummmm, it all rhymed. Not sure what doesn't...

If you like this form, level the lines, all the same length. 5 syllable lines, perhaps? Not sure if you want to work in iambs. Perhaps a more stressed meter would fit better for the small lines. If this were pentameter, maybe iambs would work. I don't know, up to you. I don't usually write formal verse.

Overall, good emotion, but needs more concrete description. Keep it up!

ZeGuMmIBeaRQueEn
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#4
Old 10-01-2010, 12:10 AM

Oh, sorry, maybe I should have clarified. "Turns" and "Burn" don't rhyme. I think "Down" and "Ground" count as a rhyme, but I'm not sure. Like I said, it's very close, so I'm not surprised you didn't notice.

 


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