
01-11-2011, 12:23 AM
You seem to have a need to write with words that folks often throw out there when they start working with poems. Fate, astral, eons, etc. and I've also noticed a certain fondness for the word symphony in your work. These words are undoubtedly fun, they make things sound cool and, admittedly, they have their places. However, while they fit well enough in the second piece, in the first the descriptions seem almost at odds. One interesting idea floats into another that doesn't quite fit with it, the pieces not quite working to make a truly cohesive whole, which leaves the reader with the sense of missing out on some sort of fulfillment.
To get away from/avoid this in the future, try seeing if the symbol or imagery you're trying to use works first in a literal sense, as what it is before it serves to mean anything else, otherwise, chances are you'll lose your readers in the ever shifting tangle. After all, poetry is half expression and half reaching out, taking the reader by the hand, and guiding them through the contents of your mind and/or soul.
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