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Sisidia
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#1
Old 02-01-2011, 11:24 PM

I look at the blood,
Dancing from my wrists.
As it thickens into mud,
My tears become the mist.

The tombstones are my nails,
My mind makes up the graves.
My soul is trapped within its jails,
Freedom’s what it craves.

My body is the bone-yard,
Long dead but full of life.
My heart has become stone hard,
Sad and full of strife.

Hate walks the grave-yard’s land,
Haunting, yet very real.
Looking for the blood of man,
A disgusting sought out deal.

It walks amongst the living,
Vicious and insane.
It takes without ever giving,
Causing always pain.

My body is the bone-yard,
Long dead yet full of life.
My heart has become stone hard,
Sad and full of strife.

All the flowers die,
Nothing here ever lasts.
No days ever pass by,
Everyone always goes separate paths.

No one ever speaks,
Depression always sits.
Waiting in dark peaks,
Crouching in the ditch.

My body is the bone-yard,
Long dead yet full of life.
My heart now stone hard,
Sad and full of strife.

No one would ever join me,
Here amongst my dead.
Everyone leaves me be,
Here inside my head.

Insanity eats at me,
Closing quite suddenly in.
It now engulfs everything,
Nothing ever changes, in….

……….. THE END

Last edited by Sisidia; 02-08-2011 at 03:37 AM..

ZeGuMmIBeaRQueEn
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#2
Old 02-06-2011, 06:23 AM

This is very, very good. I love the ending, it's so creative! And the entire first paragraph is amazing; a great use of metaphors.

Quote:
I look at the blood,
Dancing from wrists.
As it thickens into mud,
My tears become the mist.
I do think you could change the second line, to "Dancing from my wrists", though, just because it seems to work better.

I also love the fourth paragraph. It paints a very interesting, very lively picture. In particular, I like the first two lines;

Quote:
Hate walks the grave-yard’s land,
Haunting, yet very real.
I don't really know why. They just fit so perfectly.

However, there is one thing that I don't really like. This may be more of a matter of opinion, but I don't like it when poems repeat the same set of lines more than once. Songs do that often enough as it is, and it sort of...takes away from the writing? I guess it kind of ruins the flow, for me, anyway, and it comes across as filler, to make the poem seem longer. Like I said, it's just a matter of opinion, but I think it would be better if you took out either the third, sixth, or ninth paragraph, beginning with "My body is the boneyard", for this reason. I would suggest removing the sixth and ninth, as it seems that it would flow the best that way.

Also, in the line that says "Everyone always goes seperate paths", it sounds like there might be too many syllables. Maybe you could take out the word "always"? It might also help to add in the word "on" after "goes", so that it would say "Everyone goes on seperate paths", or something similar. You might also want to take out the word "quite" from the line "Closing quite suddenly in", for the same reason. No hate, just a suggestion...

In all, I really do like your poem. Quite a lot, actually, as it has great potential. (and I'm a big fan of the darker stuff) There are just a few changes that could be made. (If you don't want my opinion, feel free to tell me so, and I'll shut up. Like I said, no hate. I'm just trying to help.)

Sisidia
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Sisidia is offline
 
#3
Old 02-08-2011, 03:36 AM

I appreciate the critiquing, but taking those things away, isn't a part of my personality. Like I said, thanks, but all those little things you don't really like is what makes us separate individuals. :3

thanks for reading. <3

----------

oh, and the dancing from wrists was a typo, nice catch. lol

 


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