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Sisidia
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#1
Old 02-08-2011, 03:41 AM

Porcelain is mine flesh,
White and cold to thy touch.
Hallowed is mine heart,
It's beating always hushed.

Mine eyes are empty orbs,
That shine with the fake of my smile.
Forced are my lips upturned,
With the mind that acts of bile.

Mine own body moves without my will,
Stringed as a puppet am I.
Emotions set to please the lot of you,
I say this and bat not an eye.

Yet inside there are only whispers of happiness,
Quiet standings of what all you see.
You see the fault in smile now?
I'm only here to please...

See me dance to every tune that you all play,
See my smile as I peer through my bars.
My fingers tighten round your throat in mind,
This prison that is distanced so very far...

Trap the beast and prod it with sorrow,
Cut the soul and watch it bleed through.
Empty happiness shines in the reflection,
What the hell did you do?....

Iro
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#2
Old 03-03-2011, 05:53 PM

I really like your poem and how it starts out, the entire mood of it is very nicely done. :yes:

Is there a typo here, though? Should it be "in my smile" instead?
Quote:
You see the fault in smile now?
Is there any particular reason for the added dots behind the last three paragraphs? I feel them a little misplaced, particularly the last one after the "?". xD

Projectwolfie
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#3
Old 03-04-2011, 07:16 PM

Oh yes, that intro just reels me in. I love the feel of this entire piece.

I feel however, the last sentence ends everything in a bit of a moot point. I just feel that it could have been worded differently, or something similar. The Ellipses after the question mark make it seem just a little awkward to me as well.

 


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