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Oh no, not another poem..
Damn right another one.. Here's something new.. This poem flowed through my head as I created my Gaia avatar.. See the avatar here ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ EnTrApTmEnT Tangled, lost, trapped, Within your words, here I am. Wondering what will ever be Of me, the girl who tries, but never reaches the mark. Tell me that you love me Or shatter me one last time. Leave me breathless, Or leave me heartless and wounded on the ground. Make your choice, Because time doesn't wait.. And to be honest, my love.. My soul fades with every tick and tock of the clock. Leave your mark now While I await in this web. If I lie with you this night, You'll see yourself what will come in the end.. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ YES, I am aware that depression/bad relationships/entraptment/whatever is overused, but that's not what this poem is about, so shut it if you are gonna say that.. |
RaTeD:
6/10 |
*laughs* GREAT! Instead of getting comments to help, I get a rating.. Innie is always barely above average, huh? Oh well.. Anyways, thanks for posting at least.. |
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In my honest opinion, I don't see what you're trying to get across in this poem, since every stanza talks of something vaguely different. From what I've been told, poetry is a condensation of language that gets a point or emotion across.
What are you trying to say to the readers? |
Mmmphh.. Innie says nothing with this.. Interpret it as you wish, because I made no meaning for it.. But analizing it to add a meaning is easy, so I suppose you could fine one >.<
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Maybe a simple name change will do. |
I don't think the title suits the poem, & I don't really understand what point you're trying to get across in the poem because you say one thing, then another, then another? Then something about lying in bed?
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Okay, if you didn't change it since the comments then i don't know what everyone else is saying...i mean, it's hardly confusing to me. I flows nicely, has an emotional depth, the situation is clear...
The poem doesn't jump around from one subject to another as seem to be implied by others...i mean...what don't you get? To me is seems a girl 'entrapped' in a relationship or with a person who is either stringing her along or can't make up his mind...does he want her, he keeps her to him with his words [perhaps, i need you, want you but never i love you...], she needs to here she is loved...or not and she doesn't wish to wait forever to find out, her soul [or emotions] are dimmed in a relationship that she does not know can or will last.... He'll leave his mark upon her while she waits 'in this web' or in the relationship, in the lie and if she lie/sleeps with them then, well that's seems a little cliff hanger, what could come from sleeping together...an end, beginning...? Wow...and that's what I took from the poem....but i see things that people usually might not... |
Mmmphh..
Thank you, Ayashi <3 |
-kicksaroundinthedirt- may i post a poem?
okay..maybe not a poem..but a short story? this was for a class...we were told to listen to a symphonic peice and write what we imagined...this was mine @[email protected] can't decide whether i'm proud of it or hate it... Her crimson glare seemed to penetrate through the glass imprisonment and burn into his eyes. “How could you?” she questioned, her tone sounding shaken, desperate, and strangely authoritive. Her red eyes reflected distress and anger. “How could I not? You were simply to gorgeous to pass up,” The man mused, a smile playing across his features. She stumbled slightly, her once strong legs becoming weak and frail. Long silver locks framed her small figure, encasing her body in a shimmering frame. “I hate you with a passion.” The words were strong, yet her tone was weak. When there eyes met, both were shouting words that no longer seemed coherent. He held up a hand, breaking the short connection, “No need for such things. You are too valuable, and I will not return you to the meadow, no matter how much you loathe me.” She fumed and her arms shook and the pale skin over her knuckles became translucent as she gripped the crystal bars. He could see tears well up in her eyes from frustration; they were beautiful to him. “I hate you!” she shouted as her hands suddenly slid from the bars and fell limply to her sides. Her perfection wilted as she slid down the bars, a few silver strands falling onto the floor. He reached out and stroked her face, the softness pleasing him. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he whispered before pulling back his hand and taking his leave. The next day he returned, expecting another heated argument. However, when he arrived, the man found that his prize was not even standing. She lay on the ground, unmoving. He rushed to her in a panic as he stepped through the crystal, his feet tramping over fallen silken thread-like hairs. He cradled her withered form in his arms and lightly shook her. “What have I done....?” A young boy’s tear fell onto the fallen petals of his dead rose. “It was still only a bud,” His mother said, caressing his shoulder “you shouldn’t have picked it. It deserved to live.” He cried as she dumped the water out of the empty vase. He walked toward the door and tossed the flower outside, still holding the soft petals in his hand, before he let them go into the wind. He would have sworn he heard a voice mocking him in his foolishness. xF-Sx anyone tell me wutcha think? :oops: Here are a pair about the grim reaper......the 2nd one is kinda like a sequal...the 1st was written way back @[email protected] ~Life in death~ What am I? Is that your question? Well, to put it simply I could help a soul Earn it’s redemption I’m not living nor am I dead I catch the souls who have fled To you I could be.... The angel of death? Grim reaper? Or maybe just the deads’ keeper I laugh at those names You want to know why? It’s because I have none not even one I AM NOTHING! No soul yet only a heart of coal only unforgiving My existence is lonely is sad the only point in my being is to give assistance I simply stand here and chuckle I am truly pathetic and why am I being so poetic? Here comes another another soul another life gone another life to pass on xXxXxXxX Now here is the second one Death's Life Story I’ve committed taboos beyond reason. I am the shepard of all seven sins. Death was the penalty for my treason. And I stand where my real story begins. I condemn the souls of the departed. For all eternity, here I must stay. My life’s story not for the fainthearted. Bound by their sick imperfections, they pay. Never can I avoid my deserved fate. I am here in my own personal hell. And all I can feel is vehement hate. And I wish only to say my farewells. I can’t even beg for my redemption Even the reaper is no exception. yeah...critiques..? not to harsh please thou *_* |
Ou~ I quite liked the poem! It was very, very lovely. I could feel a very heavy sense of unrequited love in it, or maybe even an honest, curious passion and want. I don't see how the avatar has much to do with it, but I do like it~
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