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zeroSenshi12
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#1
Old 04-11-2007, 02:07 AM

Oftentimes when I write poetry, I do so from the point of view of one of the characters from my stories. This is such a poem. It is by far not my best, just one that I enjoy reliving.

Any constructive critisism would be appreciated.

Design of Fire

graceful fingers trace a pattern in the air
a snap of the same fingers
causes it to flicker
flicker
flicker
flicker
ignite
and the graceful fingers of graceful hands
clap gleefully
as the flames burn bluer
and the flames burn brighter
brighter
brighter
brighter
doused by another’s laughter
and graceful hands cover a face filled with anguish
and graceful fingers wipe away tears

Molotov21
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#2
Old 04-11-2007, 11:23 PM

I really like that poem. :3

Keep up the good work. x3

starlight memories
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#3
Old 04-12-2007, 03:46 AM

wow, that's really good :D

zeroSenshi12
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#4
Old 04-12-2007, 03:46 PM

Thanks you two. ^^ I'm planning on posting more soon. I have to type them out first. XP

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#5
Old 04-12-2007, 05:11 PM

Ooh, I do like the repition. ^^ It sounds almost...like rhetoric, the way it becomes emphasised.

Normally I would complain about a lack of form (I like form) but in this case it's such a short and to the point piece I think it works fine alone like that.

The only thing I think stands out is "as the flames burn bluer", I don't know there's just something a bit off about this line compared to the rest of it (plus I don't like the word 'bluer', it's a bit kiddish xD). But yeah, otherwise I really like it! And I'm not just saying that because I know you, I do think it's a nice little piece. :)

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#6
Old 04-12-2007, 07:24 PM


I too like the repetition. I think it makes it sound lyrical almost like a song. The words created a picture and you followed through with it nicely.

Great job!

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#7
Old 04-12-2007, 07:42 PM

I love it. The 'Bluer' thing bugs me too, but how else would you put it?

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#8
Old 04-12-2007, 07:47 PM

i saw this on my fridge magnet

sit down my friend

and talk to me

lets share our thoughts

over cups of tea

(sorry about my spelling)

Tagia
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#9
Old 04-12-2007, 07:50 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by [x-Peanut-x
]I love it. The 'Bluer' thing bugs me too, but how else would you put it?
I was trying to think of a suggestion actually but I suck at writing poetry - giving my opinion and analysing them is as far as I go. xD

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#10
Old 04-12-2007, 07:54 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tagia
Quote:
Originally Posted by [x-Peanut-x
]I love it. The 'Bluer' thing bugs me too, but how else would you put it?
I was trying to think of a suggestion actually but I suck at writing poetry - giving my opinion and analysing them is as far as I go. xD
Lawl. Me too. x.x Plus, I don't think there is any other way to put it.

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#11
Old 04-12-2007, 08:07 PM

Maybe Zero will be able to come up with something. ^^

Or maybe I messed up her poem. xD ^^;

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#12
Old 04-14-2007, 12:50 AM

maybe you could just say
the flames burn blue,
or you could say, growing blue
but whatever you want...

zeroSenshi12
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#13
Old 04-16-2007, 09:51 PM

You didn't mess it up. I really wasn't sure what to put... I try to use short and simple words most of the time... but "bluer" ... maybe I meant to put "brighter"? Hmm... that might work. ^^

Thank you all for the comments!~

Edit: Most of my poems are free-form... Well, why say free-form when that means no-form. I normally don't do well with structured poems... it seems like I force things when I try to structure them. ^^;;

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#14
Old 04-17-2007, 12:23 AM

I thought this was a very awesome poem. I liked the imagery, and the way you used words... and especially the repetition. It's annoying when overused, but wonderful when used just right... and I definitely think you used it just right! =D

The only place the repetition bothered me was here:
"... and the graceful fingers of graceful hands"

It just seemed redundant and didn't have as neat of an affect as the other repetition. n.n;

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#15
Old 04-22-2007, 08:32 PM

That was a really cute poem. I hope to see other poems made by you. <3

 


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