I know my poems arin't the best and are for the most part sad Free vears, but I still like to get feedback on them. : 3



Heart of Steel
By Hiei14
Hurt feelings locked in my heart,
His fingertips brushed at the real me.
I can't fly,
Because there is only burning.
Like sparks dancing bright blue,
I'm Shinning in this moment.
Stand tall,
My heart of steel.

Like a wild rose,
Blooming from all the lies.
With my unbrakable will,
One day I'll sore again.
Till then I'll be looking for the place,
Where winds of new begings blow.
Stand tall,
My heart of steel.

Rising from the ashes,
like the fabled birde of fire.
Alone I will walk,
Wishing for someone out there to find me.
Now the tears they like rain,
A river flowing ten fold.
With rust all around,
My heart of steel.



Sin Ribbons'
By: Hiei14
Crestline tears fall from her eyes,
Her Prayers fall on deaf ears.
With every passing moment,
She dies a little more inside.

He try’s his best to hid the pain,
But his eyes won’t lie.
Her words wont come,
Desperation mounts.

Ribbons' of red fill her view,
Sorrow hangs on every tear.
He's every breath,
Is weaker then the last.

It's time for good-bye,
The sweetest of pains.
Surrendering love,
To the darkness of death.

Heart of Steel:
Unbreakable
Beginnings

I don’t think I understand it. You may be attempting too many things at once, or I may be an idiot. I think its “Him� that confuses me the most. You mention him once, and all we know is that he made you vulnerable. We don’t know how, or really anything else. You’re defiant for the rest of the poem.


Sin Ribbons:
Ribbons’ shows a plural known possessing something. If you have of after it, the ‘s isn’t needed, because its not the noun possessing the subject, but the subject possessing the noun. So the apostrophe after the “s� isn’t needed.
Present tense- make it hide
His not he’s- this ‘s can only signify the contraction of he and is.

Change one of the “fall�s. Its too repetitive to not be noticed, but its not continued passed the first stanza, so it makes the recipient think there is more significance to them than there is.

Despite some mechanical problems, I rather like “Sin Ribbons.� It has potential, it just needs a little more work done to it.