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despairs-life-loli
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#1
Old 11-12-2007, 01:17 PM

A place to put my poems! Yippie, for my first poem I will introduce a morbid seclusion of two people going threw depressing times all while filling a bottle...
A bottle of tears.

I cried all night and then all day.
There is nothing else I can really say.

I took a bottle and collected all.
I let every tear fall.

The bottle fills and I just take my pills.

The bottle fills until half full
I don’t let any fall.

It begins to get to the brim then I stop my crying and give it to ‘him.’
He takes my tears and with it all my fears.

He smiles and redness goes straight to my ears.

The bottle filled to the brim is later emptied and I go limp.
He dumped the tears on my head, caused me pain; I take the hint.

I start to fill the bottle once moor, I see death knocking on my door.
He laughs and I cry, he is brave and I’m shy.
What an awful guy.

Cry and cry and cry and cry, I do it until I die.

The bottles full, he frowns this time.
The bottles full, church bells chime.

He looks at my dead body and regrets all
Takes a bottle and restarts the rhyme.

He cried all night and then all day.
There is nothing else he can really say.

He took the bottle and collected all.
Let every tear fall.

The bottle fills and he just takes his pills.

The bottle fills until half full.
He doesn’t let any fall.

It begins to get to the brim then he stops crying and gives it to me.
He places the bottle on my grave, now he is able to fully see.
He smiles and goes pale from ear to ear.

The bottle stays full and he goes soft.
All is lost.
It was a big cost.

He didn’t see death knocking at my door.
He now regrets all, what for?

NOW’s the end of this odd rhyme.
Goodbye, tata, until next time.

ForkoFried
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#2
Old 11-15-2007, 07:41 AM

I really like it, very interesting,
and different style
One edit: you spelled more wrong, lawl
And also, although i'm in no posistion to
critique, you might want to not try to ryhme so hard,
maybe make the sentences a little more simple-ized...
I mean this purely to help you improve,
i actually love critiques myself, lawl

despairs-life-loli
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#3
Old 12-08-2007, 01:34 AM

Yah, lol. I wrote this at like 2am and was so messed up tired that I typed it frantically on the computer. I re-read it and yah...bit morbid. My friends said it to. Yup, when I'm tired thoughts flood into my mind and I guess that's why I made a million ryhming words along with it. XD ah...yah too many ryhms! lol. I will have to fix it when I have time.

 


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