
12-08-2007, 12:45 AM
It's good, but as iViolent said, the ice being mentioned twice is a bit of a throw off. Haiku tends to flow a lot better when the lines mesh better, not just naming off random things about a topic. Something like this for example (Made it up on the spot in a bit of a hurry so it isn't that great, but it gives you an idea of what I mean):
Spring birds emerge now,
Cold ushered by their voices,
Singing like angels.
Try re-writing your haiku as something happening and see what comes out of it :3
Also, be careful with your syllables! Your last line only has 4 syllables, instead of 5.
I hope this helps :3 Also, if you weren't looking for any critisizm/help, or don't like my advice, sorry in advance! I mean no harm, just trying to help you out :3
|