I think I put this in the right forum... Please let me know if you think it belongs somewhere else.

I am hoping to turn in this poem to Tales Around the Fireplace with Sizzla & Neyor. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. Does the poem make sense? Does something not quite flow? How is the grammar? Should I bother to submit it?

Nariko's Christmas Story (version 2)

‘Twas a chilly night, the first night of December,
That quiet night on Gaia when I remember
Lil’ Nariko decided to pack up her things
And move to Menewsha to try and find her dreams.
A daffodil, PEZ dispenser, and a cookie
Were all the possessions of this rookie
As she stepped into Mene; how her face did glow!
Fields of fair flowers sprinkled with soft snow,
More flavors of PEZ than ones taste buds can endure,
And plates full of cookies with gooeyness so pure
The sugary delights dripped through her fingers to her toes
And took away the chill for newbies have no clothes.
And then what a staggering sight her eyes did see
That Nariko could not help but quiver with glee.
A colossal fan on a Menewshan of old,
A white fan with a red dragon and shiny gold.
The Oriental Fan; it was love at first sight;
No pixels had ever fit together so right,
As lil’ Nariko and this Oriental Fan,
And so this newbie concocted a cunning plan.
Nariko only let a tear or two fall as
The newb sold her cookie and daffodil and PEZ,
And bought the Ragged Shirt and a Single Red Rose,
The red rose because the Ragged Shirt really blows.
So she got to work posting to keep her limbs warm,
And drew in her shirt for protection from the storm
Like a golden leaf clinging to an autumn tree
Praying for someone to turn around to see
A lil’ newb like Nariko, a transparent ghost,
And reply to that dreaded “Fresh Meat� post.
But to her wonderful surprise she was welcomed by all
And if she needed any help she could feel free to call.
By the end of December she nearly forgot
All the details of her crafty plot
As lil’ Nariko began to post just for fun,
And before she knew it her quest was done.
Lil’ Nariko in an unnatural state of bliss
Did purchase the Oriental Fan for Christmas.
She got her winter wish but thought it was cache,
So Nariko married the fan on Boxing Day,
And then she realized the fun had just begun.
Happy Festival of Winter Nights everyone!


Thanks for taking the time to read!

Aww, I really like it, one note unrelated is, that since you wrote it you needn't use the quotes for it.


Critique:

In some places it stopped flowing and became choppy, so you might want to watch that, but it was a fun easy read.
Good luck, and make sure you read over it again alound to yourself so you're hearing it, and make sure to read what's written, and not what you want there, so you know what you are submitting.

Cute. But the choppiness made it difficult for me to read. I would recommend you look up poetry on wikipedia and study on the literary devices that way you can make your imagery more concrete and effective.

Your poem has potential, but you also want to make sure that you have your sound devices down. You don't want to make your poem too heavy either. Either cut some parts out that fatten the poem so it may read nicer or discard it. Being concise in any poem is what makes a good poem.

Line breaks and pretty words alone don't make very good of a poem sadly.

Thank you for spending the time to write critiques guys! Sorry but rl dragged me away...

::sigh:: You're both right, it is choppy. I've been working on literary devices, but sadly I am far from mastering them... I'll probably end up just shorteneing the poem and switching around a few rhymes... I've very happy that it was at least slightly entertaining. That was my main goal. Hopefully I will have time to post an updated version before I submit it. I wish I had a few more days to work on it...

Look up post by the user name Seraphly. Then, take a look at the poem titled: (What is it to fly?). There, you'll see an example of a free-verse poetry in effect with sound devices. Not all poetry has to rhyme. Rhyme is one sound device that's greatly weighing your poem down. Try to use more metaphors and similes too.

There... I posted an updated version.

I know not all poems have to rhyme, but my rhyming poems tend to be stronger than my free verse. I tried to make the rhyming flow better, added a metaphor and simile, and rewrote a bunch of lines near the end of the poem. x_x

I will certainly check Seraphly out though for my future poems. Thanks for the advice. ^_^

More flavors of PEZ than ones taste buds can endure,

I would take out taste buds.

The sugary delights dripped through her fingers to her toes

How about 'The sugary delights dripping to her toes'

And so this newbie concocted a cunning plan.

'And so she concocted'

Nariko only let a tear or two fall as
The newb sold her cookie and daffodil and PEZ,
And bought the Ragged Shirt and a Single Red Rose,

'Nariko let only a tear or two fall
as she sold her cookie, daffodil and all.'

The red rose because the Ragged Shirt really blows.

Doesn’t really flow with the rest of the poem

A lil’ newb like Nariko, a transparent ghost,

How about ‘Nariko, a transparent newb, a little ghost.’

She got her winter wish but thought it was cache,

I would pick a different word besides ‘cache’. It doesn’t seem to fit well.

Hmm... thanks for the thorough critique Alaunt. I'll think about those...

Edit:
I panicked I wouldn't be able to submit my poem in time, so I just posted it. Here is the link to my post of my final version of this poem for the competition. Thank you everyone who helped me with this!

I stand by what I said before. You must be more concise, and consistent with what you are trying to convey. I recommend reading the correctional guide on Poetry.com, in order to understand by when I mean, poetic devices are important. Thank you.

I like it. xD