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Kuroko's Poetry
Artic
The cold air, brushes against my skin My breath turns to frost I'm cold and alone A shiver goes down my neck I hear something behind me My heat starts to beat faster I lay close to the ground hoping not to be found It's no use I know he knows I'm here I dart He gives chase I'm slow He's fast He's gaining quickly I'm nearly there I reach a hole and slip in My mother and brother were waiting for me We hear him through the ice My heart stops He has broken through My mother and brother flee into the water I try to follow I feel something pierce my skin I pull away and flee into the water And swim off in a flurry of red I'm free! for now Coma Take me away I want to be anywhere but here I never want to see this place again This place is a hell Locked in the dark Nothing but black Can I get away? Or will they hold me down and force me to stay I can't take it anymore I think I'm going to break A light A spot on the floor A noise breaks the silence I hear it again It's louder now My eyes flutter open Then squeezed shut It's too bright I try to cover my eyes but can't move I groan The noise gets louder I hear them moving about Slowly I open my eyes again The light blinds me I can't see Then all a see is white Shapes start to take form A woman cries I feel a pressure on my chest. I feel water go down my cheeks Finally, I'm free |
I like them both. They're very intriging(sp?). I could picture everything in my mind. Keep up the good work.
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Those are both very good! They create such vivid images with the way you worded them! I really like them! ^.^
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Butterflies
Floating, Fluttering. Our gentle dance in the sky Back and forth, Here and there Dancing on petals, then back to the sky Untitled Tiny spots move under me, like busy ants I can hardly see. Detached from the world below, as my body waves to and fro I feel peace as the wind glides over me, because up here, I'm finally free. |
Those two new poems are very good too! I especially like "Untitled". It creates interesting visuals.
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They're all lovely poems, you are very good at describing something without naming it ^.^ Just few little grammar and flow crits -
In Artic, there are only two things that bug me - The line "it's no use I know he knows I'm here", the repetition of "know" could be replaced with something to make it flow better, unless you had a line count of some kind (I didn't take time to measure) but maybe something like "it's no use, I smell of fear, he knows I'm here" if you wanted both lines to rhyme, or "it's no use I sense he knows I'm here" if you just wanted to replace the word. And second, right below the mother and brother line, "We hear him the ice"... I assume you're missing a word there o.o "Through", "paw", "claw"? In Coma, I'd trade is an "a" for the "like" the line "this place is like hell", it'd make the line more in clip with the two that follow and the very last line to "Finally, I'm free" just 'cuz it sounds more ending-y. Butterflies is just perfect! And Untitled I love too! In the very last line though, it should be finally <.<; They're beautiful, and you're very good with imagery ^.^ You should post more stuff! |
It's been awhile since I posted any thing in here. The two new ones are kind of depressing.
Just when I thought I had the key it slipped through my fingers a cruel mirage The key to my cage A cure for my disease Why? Why has it forsaken me? Am I doomed to this eternal unrequited love? Do I deserve this pain? Have my sins really been that great? That many? That terrible? What have I done to deserve such retribution? Or is it some kind of test. Will I be rewarded if my will holds out? But my will hasn’t been apart of it for such a long time …do I have any left And if I do, is it really my choice to stay fallen? To be wrapped in these chains Bound by my heart Until death do I depart Floating, flowing I’m walking on air My heartbeat crescendos; my spirit lifts with the sound my prayers have been answered my wishes fulfilled my loves been returned and my heart has been found he loves me, he loves me and always has It’s so wonderful I can’t help but to think that I’m dreaming… I wake up in bed and then start screaming. |
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