RANDOM - 11

Of course, I could see this being solved another way.

I stop this habit and stop being so damn contemplative about this all the time. I'll get used to seeing you with your arm around her waist again, and I'll go back to be that empty shell that is filled with nothing but work. Work shall become my lover, and my works shall be beautiful with the misery of my broken heart.

No, really, I'm pretty damn amazing when I'm heartbroken. My best assignments--the ones that I got A+'s on from the teacher who never gives A's--were when I was utterly heartbroken. When I was drafting, there were these words echoing in mind: "I like J." And I couldn't stop them. They just repeated over and over, and so I poured my soul out onto the paper. And it was brilliant.

RANDOM - 12

But really, is that all I want? Does my work matter to me that much that I will forsake everything else?

Love above all. I am the hopeless, closet romantic. I don't think I could willingly choose it.

But it seems that the choice is being made for me.

And the thing that sucks is that I've never even had a true taste. Nothing.

What you gave me was a tease--a very, very cruel tease.

And know I know. And I want more and more. It's like a bad habit--an addiction.

I really am forsaking all else for you. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I don't know what I'm thinking.

I need to stop this. I can't think about you this way. It's not serious in the least. It's because of this cursed drink. It's not me.

...or is it?

I don't know.

RANDOM - 13

Is this really me or the drink? Was it really you or am I imagining things? Am I deluding myself?

This is what's driving me crazy.

Am I really that other girl in the drama or am I just so desperate that I'll take any role I can get. Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

What do you think of me? Honestly.

Why did you do those things? Really.

What now? Tell me.

But I'm the quiet one, the cautious one, ever subtle and ever elusive. If you really want me, you will have to chase me. It's simply the way I am.

And there's is the question of if I run, will you run after me?

RANDOM - 14

"The hardest part about running away is knowing that you won't chase after me."

And that was the truth for the longest time. This was a very one sided thing. I was the only one who saw reason to run. The other side just stood there and went "What the hell? Whatever." And that was that. I simply ran and wasn't caught.

I won.

But I didn't want to win.

That was never the point. I ran to prove something. I ran because I wanted to be chased. I wanted to be slapped in the face and grabbed and held till I listened. And then I wanted to escape and run again until you caught me and held on and never let me go.

I didn't want to win. I never wanted to win.

I just wanted to play the game.

RANDOM - 15

Playing.

That's what I wish I did--what I wish I could do. Half of me right now says "yes, go for the whole fling thing." But then the other part of me knows that it won't work. I can't really do anything unless I'm serious. I just won't get into it, and I'll wonder what the point of it is.

But I wish I had dabbled a bit more into this in high school--where there was a time and way to be silly and make mistakes--where everyone was in the same boat and still testing things. Now I'm just here...

With nothing.

And there's no one here bugging me about who I like or what boy I find cute. There's not so much gossip like that. If it's brought up, it's in a slightly more serious light--something is usually there. Then we tease. And then we become the worst high schoolers. It's enjoyable. I do somewhat miss it.

But this is not something I can really be teased about. It must be kept a secret. It's too complicated. It's not allowed. These are a woman's laws--do not fall in love with your friend's boyfriend.

You just don't do it.

Yet, I don't know what happened.

RANDOM - 16

Of course, I don't even know if anything really is there.

And I see myself drabbling in a circle. See, if there really is something there, I can go and be all emo about it and just be miserable.

But then I don't know if I'm deluding myself into believing in something just because I want it so much.

And in that case, it'd just be pathetic.

I really don't want to go on a miserable tirade of moping and then find myself to be pathetic. It's been happening too often.

RANDOM - 17

Oh my God.

I want to be in love. Real, good to honest love.

I don't just want to be in a relationship. I want to be in love. But then relationships are often the first steps. I suppose it's a little hard to fall in love with someone when you're little more than newly made friends.

No, I really don't believe that crap about seeing them and falling instantaneously in love. There is lust at first sight--attraction--but not love. Love takes time. Love takes devotion. Love takes something crazy.

I don't love you. Not like that. I would just like to find out...

RANDOM - 18

And now I feel sick.

This is going to be a very fun set to read through after.

I want my phone to ring. I want to hear the skype sound. I want to talk to someone. I want to be able to pour out my soul and know that there's another soul on the other side. I know I could just call. I know they're there. I know they wouldn't consider it a burden, but I can't. I just can't.

Like I said, I play black.

In just about everything.

RANDOM - 19

This is the downward climb--the spiral into despair. It's the end of that heady rush. The buzz of energy is gone. And it feels like the numbing is wearing off, but instead of feeling, it's like my nerves have been shot.

My heart felt as if it were breaking, and now it simply feels empty...

I don't know what to do about you. I really don't. I wish I saw you more.

I wonder if you are avoiding me. I wonder if you were playing with me. I wonder if you knew what you were doing.

I wonder if you think that this is wrong too and are trying to be good and avoid the source of your ere--me.

RANDOM - 20

It was a half something for you too. You found an interest and you poked at it perversely, much like a child poking his tongue at a sore tooth.

And then you found it to be wrong.

And so you try to stop. You leave the sore tooth alone and hope that it heals.

I sure hope that it heals too.

RANDOM - 21

I do wonder: will I ever be truly alright after this?

The reasonable half says that "yes, yes I will. I am being silly. Of course I'll get over you. I've done this before. I can do it again."

But I don't want to.

I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to be that petty bitter girl on the sidelines in all the dramas who never gets the guy. She's learns to accept it. She lives with it because, after all, it's true love for both of them. And she lives her life somehow. She finds other things. Life goes on.

But does she ever love again?

You never find out. All that matters to the audience is that she leaves the main couple alone, so that they can live happily ever after. And the watcher finds that they really don't care about her feelings. They find themselves callous; they want her to just suck it up and go on with it.

But it's really not that easy.

RANDOM - 22

I've gained a whole new appreciation for those girls.

I really do feel for them now. I mean, I still love the main couple, and I know that those girls aren't right, but it really does suck for them. The situation just blows. And you really can't do anything about it.

And yes, we'll live. We have to. Either that or we roll over and give up on everything. And I'm not ready to do that. I think I'm a bit to stubborn to just let go like that.

Stupid hopeless romantic.

And it truly is hopeless. Oh, the irony! The things I find in this state.

RANDOM - 23

There are these cycles of highs and lows and nothingness.

I'm wondering if they'll just keep going and I'll lose the highs and alternate between the lows and nothingness until there's nothing left.

My mind shall be wrung like a towel soaked with water and everything I have to say will be wrung out, wrenched from me, pooled and dripping on the floor.

This is what this does to me.

It is very revealing. It's a good thing I'm not talking to someone. I'd probably say something I regret.

But I kind of worry with me not actually talking to someone. There is something therapeutic about it no matter how much I cling to my writing.

RANDOM - 24

I need to talk.

I don't know if this is a physical sick or whatever. It probably is. I probably had too much.

Ughhhhhh.

It's like I have a poison in me that needs to be extracted and talking will be like drawing it out.

Well, actually, yes, I do have a poison in me.

But it will feel better if I actually try to draw it out.

Of course, I can't do this alone. And you're not available. I don't want to disturb you or you. You would laugh at me. You might think less of me. You might freak out. You wouldn't get it. You might yell at me.

Bah. I hate being drunk. -.-

Well, not realy. It's revealing. However, I wonder, how much self revelation does one really need?

RANDOM - 25

There's something that must come out.

It's inside of me. It feels like it's killing me off. It's eating at my heart until there's nothing left. There is first excruciating pain and then there is nothing. It fades away, and I can no longer feel.

I want it back.

Sadly enough, I liked being heartbroken better. At least I felt like I was alive.

I wish I could call you. I wish I could cry myself to sleep. But see, calling you means that I would have to be far more honest than I ever have been to you--my "best friend."

Oh yes, I am paying for my secretiveness. Because of it, I can't talk to you about these things. Well, I could, but I would have to admit a million other things and have to wait for you to get caught up. But then you'd be so blown away that I wouldn't be able to truly seek comfort from you. I would first have to bring you up to speed with my life that I really haven't been totally honest about.

Maybe I keep too many secrets.

RANDOM - 26

But they feel like they're the only thing I have.

The secrets are the other side to me. They define me. If I were to tell the whole world, what would I have left? They would know everything. They could pull my strings. I would be left to their whims.

And while I'm sure that these would be safe with some people, I'm sure that someday it will come to bite me back. ...Just as I am sure that keeping them will also make it bite me back--like now.

yes, these will all be fun to read later.

@Dragon
Yes, they were very fun to read. And I am now very thankful that I did leave when I did and that who came and didn't come did and didn't. Otherwise, there probably would have been trouble.

I need to go write a bunch more drabbles in response to my what... twenty something that I wrote last night? xD Okay, only twenty six, not that bad. At least I didn't hit thirty.

But it was very amusing to drabble in that state. ^^ I could type! Yay! ^^

RANDOM - 27

I need to stop this habit.

It clearly isn't healthy.

Anyways, it isn't really a habit. I didn't really plan on this, once again. Alright, well, I was somewhat planned, but not like this. I didn't think it would be this bad from so little.

Of course, this was stronger stuff.

Thusly, it took much less. Thusly, I was unprepared. Thusly, I had more than I wanted. Thusly I left.

I almost feel like it still has me in its grips.

I don't think that I should have done this again so soon. It might make a habit out of me.

RANDOM - 28

Yes. I was clearly not in my right mind. I'm happy I didn't say any of that to you. I would be in big, big trouble because really--it is only artistic.

Apparently my perception was altered. See how thin of a line it is. However, it wasn't really crossed last night; I just thought it was crossed.

However, now that I am sober, I look back and I want to take it all back because a good half of it isn't true.

See, it's only almost like that.

I become more honest; however, I also exaggerate a lot more. Therefore, in some ways, I'm a horrible liar then.

And oh, silly skype, why must you taunt me so?

RANDOM - 29

It's a very thin shell of control. It's woven with fine strands of silk, but it is still there. It still takes a touch to break it. It will exist eternally if that touch never comes.

But if it should...

Disastrous.

Of course, there's a chance that nothing will happen. There's a chance that the shell will simply remain whole. And then it crumples within itself.

And the insides wither and die.

RANDOM - 30

I'm somewhat disappointed.

Firstly, this never should have happened in the first place. What happened to my morals? In a way, I despise the bubble. It protected us, but it never really protected us. It taught us nothing, and now we are thrown out in the real world and left to flounder about.

And we have to learn now.

Those tests we took back then--those were nothing. Those were silly assignments that didn't really matter. This, this right now is the real test. They tried to instill this all into us in hopes that we wouldn't fail.

I didn't fail, but I'm cheating.

And I'm wondering what happened to me...

RANDOM - 31

There was the old me who knew that yes, these things would probably be fun, but they weren't things you had to do. There are other ways to entertain yourself. You're pathetic if you have to do this all the time just to have fun.

Certainly, when it's added to any equation, the result becomes much more interesting, but it's not necessary. You don't need it to have fun.

But then I became curious. And could it really hurt? As long as I didn't do anything, it would be fine, right?

And so now I've has this whole new experience--twice. And I'm learning.

Isn't this what I'm supposed to do?

RANDOM - 32

I'm happy that that's all I know. I mean, I could learn at that point, but I don't really want to.

I'm happy with what I've gotten. That was all I really wanted. Just a piece. Of course, I say otherwise, but logically, that is all I really want.

RANDOM - One Fact

I kind of keep forgetting this one little fact. It just slips my mind for a moment because I get so caught up, and then I've lost it completely.

But then there's an idle comment. A playful touch. A photograph. And I remember.

I remember propriety. I remember that I shouldn't be thinking this. I remember that it isn't right.

But then I forget again...