RANDOM - Laughter

They sit; they talk; they laugh.

It is amazing how much joy one can find in another's laugh. It is the sudden quirk of the lips, the crinkling at the corners of his eyes, the rush of sound bubbling over and overwhelming all other details.

It is the whole light of the expression, as the realization sweeps through his face--passive to expressive.

And as I watch, I cannot help but find it infectious, and soon I am laughing as well.

RANDOM - Secret Places Part I

There are times when I would like to go for a walk. I want to just walk and walk. I don't know where I want to go; all that matters is the act, the cold air on my face, the still night around me.

But I can't do that here.

You specifically warned me that I shouldn't. And I may not have thought about it before, but when said by you, it somehow seems more relevant. And this time I listen. I don't go roaming the cold, cold campus and it's night time shadows.

I did once. But that was before that I heard even you feared it. Besides, that was the cold daylight--much tamer than the wild shadows of night and my soul.

But simply listening to you did not put me to rest. The feeling wouldn't leave me.

RANDOM - Secret Places Part II

I had to do something. I had to go somewhere. I had to escape.

This room that was my sanctuary, my haunt, no longer felt safe for some reason. Though it was mine, I could never be truly alone.

I longed for a roof top.

But instead, I found another haunt. It is mine and mine along with all the others who have discovered it. It is not empty, but it is secluded and few choose to traverse its passageways. And even then, there are still many secrets, many roads untraveled.

I long to throw myself down these courses, but I chide myself; this is not wise. But what could lay waiting for me? Surely nothing too horrible. And if caught, I could simply plead being lost, which would probably be true enough if I ended up finding anything.

And there are locked doors here.

Some are empty hopes--nothing more than spare linens and storage. But then some are greater things. Some are rooms unto themselves.

I hold the key to one of these rooms.

RANDOM - Secret Places Part III

It is strange--my fascination with this place. Being there unnerves me, yet it is thrilling--exhilarating. I cannot help but want to return.

But I can only walk so much each day. There is only so much I can take. I only need so much to make my soul forget.

And so I pass by the open door yet another time. I tell myself that I will take it one day--one day when I need to. ...But then, there is the question of will it remain open?

I have a feeling that if I need it, it will be.

For now, I will have to content myself with the one room and its wonders.

RANDOM - Musings Part 3

It's funny how so little can mean so much. It's funny how so very little of you can be my day. It's funny how stupidly obsessed I am.

It dies, and it comes back; I take it back into my arms without questioning, simply welcoming it holding to it like a mother's lost child. I should not love it so.

RANDOM - Company

I am happy for you, truly. Yet, I feel slightly betrayed. It isn't your fault. I am in the wrong. It's just that, well, misery loves company, and now she's been abandoned.

I had not realized how close you were to me until you left. And you cannot say that you are not really gone; while that is true, the other truth is true as well. In this sense, you are gone.

But that is the way it should be.

It is the way it should be for everyone. I should not hate you for finally being able to be like them.

And I do not...

It's just that misery doesn't like being left alone.

RANDOM

I would like to lose myself again.

But then I don't.

While it can be a way to weave a nice illusion, it can also be very sobering. It goes one way or the other with me. I will either live in ecstasy or drown in my hollow truth. And there can be no guarantee which way it will go.

I suppose that it is a good thing that I got to do it a second time. It was that time that taught me how very sobering drinking can be. It's a strange irony. One drinks to forget, and somehow everything becomes clearer. The outer world becomes blurred, and everything else falls into focus. Those strange shapes that you squinted at sharpen, and you find that you didn't want to know what they were.

And for some reason, I want to be in that state again, though I know I would regret it. I know it would solve nothing, but it would be something to do. It would be something that would ravage my mind and body, so that I would finally feel something again.

RANDOM - Deceptions

I know I'm seeing it this way just because I want to--just because I'm a stupid, wallowing, pathetic worm right now. It's all put into my perspective, and none of it is really true; I can even find arguments to my point.

But it feels like it's true.

And I know that emotions can be deluding, but I can't help but fall prey to their hypnotism. I cannot help but feel like I am being thrown off the cliff and spiraling into its unknown depths when in reality I am still standing at the top. It is like I am apart from myself, watching as I fall.

It is frightening.

RANDOM - Musings Part 4

I have concluded that while I can see you and let my heart mend, another part of me dies as well. My heart mends only to die. And then when I leave, it can no longer break because it is no longer there.

Seeing you like this is not enough or it is too much. I could stand it if you were some beautiful stranger that I only saw rarely but occasionally. I could bear it if you were not taken and my heart not tied. But I cannot be so close to you. I must distance myself lest you see through my act. I do not trust myself to not give myself away, though I know such a thing would be disastrous.

Every time I see you like this, a part of me dies. A part of me reconciles with this idea and falls off the edge of the earth. I cannot see you like this.

But how else will I be able to see you? There is no other way. To be mended is to die, and there is no other choice.

RANDOM - Musings Part 5

So this is what they mean by killing yourself. It's an incurable addiction to this thing that hurts you, yet you can't stop. You know that you will fall to this. You know that this will be the death of you. And it's not that you don't care; you do. You just can't stop.

And it's strangely satisfying to see these wounds, this blood, these marks. It makes you remember that some very small part of you is still human and can still feel.

Not that I am to that point yet. There is no cause to worry for me yet. I am simply musing. I suppose I understand it now.

But oh, I don't want to go.

RANDOM

Some days I love you,
And some days I do not.
My love is a fickle thing.
I am desperate; I am aloof.
My fancy turns as it pleases.

So what is this called, my love?
What is this soul-searing agony
Ever present and seemingly never ending
There one moment but gone the next?

Of what I do know
It is not love.
Love is a constant.
Love is true.
This lie that comes and goes
Is like the wind.
Don't rely on it.

So, my love,
...but can I even call you my love?
No matter, my love you shall be
In this twisted manner of perversion
You are my love through my contorted vision.

But, my love,
I do not know what to do.

RANDOM

I wrote you a letter, but I have not sent it. It is not that I do not want to send it. If I could have simply dotted the last period and sent it instantaneously, I would have.

No, it is that things simply get in the way. Letters are not free. Letters do not travel over that domain called cyberspace and cost nothing but a click. Letters take time and money; they take care.

It is not just the fact that you are writing--one could write just as easily in a chat or an email, but it's just not the same. Letters have more--they mean more.

That's why it's called a love letter and not a love email or a love text message.

Letters simply have that romantic quality within them that say "I cared enough to actually write this out for you." That is something that can never be replaced.

RANDOM - 1

Just what do you want of me?

I would have been content to have let you go, but no. It was you who pulled me close. It was you who started it--again.

But we couldn't say we weren't sober this time.

Is it your intention to drive me insane? What am I to you?

Am I a substitute? Am I a preference? Am I simply something to pass the time? ...or am I something more?

Am I to provide what you lack? Am I to be there when the other isn't? Am I the second wife?

What am I to you? Honestly. She is clearly your first--or so I think. I do not know any more.

Or is it simply that you play the field? Your love is casual, and perhaps this is the only way to reach me. I don't know.

RANDOM

And my soul has been stolen away yet again...

You're not a replacement, but you're certainly worthy competition.

My soul is prey to the arts--to beauty, to aesthetics, to prose, to poetry, to music. I am susceptible to all, and all are capable of spiriting me away with the drop of a hat.

But oh...

How I have missed you.

RANDOM - The Interlude Part 1

So this is apparently no longer a one sided seduction. I suppose I cannot completely be called victim any longer.

But I now see how it is. What else is there to do but react and act?

And before I knew it, I was testing him. I wanted to see that if it were truly fair--that if he was allowed that I was as well. But then I didn't want him to notice; for some ridiculous reason, I thought that he didn't. Of course, I am a fool and only a greater fool would have not noticed. However, I am not such a fool that I am completely inept.

Besides, I now understand why pretty hair isn't just for looking.

Of course, I also thought that I would be able to get away with it as he did. No one had questioned it. No, the girl is just terribly susceptible to it--no one asks why the guy initiates it. However, when it's the girl, there are questions.

Well, there wouldn't have been if not for one person.

RANDOM - The Interlude Part 2

"Why are playing with his hair?"

In a way, I had expected the question. However, I had also thought that none would be so socially crass as to ask it and induce the awkwardness. Simply accept it and wonder when we leave, perhaps discuss it amongst yourselves, or ask us privately later. I had not truly expected it to be out loud.

So, of course, it caught me off guard. What could I say? I wasn't even half sure of the answer myself. I had simply been testing something. And what had begun with my fingers gently teasing the stray locks in a inconspicuous fashion somehow ended up with my hands entwined into his hair. I'm not quite sure how I went from subtle and unnoticeable to not caring and savoring it.

How was I to answer the question?

"Because he is here."

"That's just the way she works." And I am grateful for you for once, my friend, for misunderstanding. You give me the benefit of the doubt, which I really don't deserve at this point. But I'm thankful nonetheless.

RANDOM - The Interlude Part 3

You didn't seem to like him either. For it was he who did question us, hang doubt in over our fun. It's none of his business. Then again, I suppose we shouldn't be doing this.

But this is normal for me, isn't it? I commonly use others as human furniture, and they commonly use me. Why is this incident so different?

I suppose I don't always end up playing with their hair, but you asked the other question too. And do you not play with stray threads running on your blanket?

Yes, it is not quite in the same nature, but it is an idea. It is how it started if not how it ended.

RANDOM - The Interlude Part 4

And now I am utterly confused as to where in the world we are and what in the world we are.

Is this simply an interlude while your partner is away? Is this what they call a fling? I would not know. I have neither had the fake or genuine; all I know is that there is definitely something there. It's no use trying to kid myself with that silly cultural shock crap. It's obviously not true.

But just what is this?

Oh, I don't know.

And you, my new muse, though you showed promise, have been blown away. I'm sorry, but you will never be here. How could I choose that over this?

Oh, don't be mistaken. If you were here, I don't know what I would do, but for the time, I choose this one over you... Even though I'm not sure if this one would choose me back--even though this one shouldn't choose me back.

RANDOM - The Doll Part I

I come to life in your hands. Your finger tips inspire motion, and I dance as you see fit. I am a pretty thing--amusing--entertaining.

But as it is with all toys, I cannot compare to the real thing. A stuffed horse will never compare to the true black pony named Clover. It is simply a leap away. They cannot compare.

One may pretend that the stuffed horse is a real pony, and he will love it like it is. However, if he is given a real pony, he will immediately drop the toy and turn all his attention to the true pony.

And so it is with the doll and the real, live human being.

It's just the way it works.

RANDOM - The Doll Part II

But is this really a doll?

It acts as a doll. It amuses you; it entertains you. However, it is not as a doll that can simply be thrown aside with no consequences; this doll is human too. She lives and breathes and feels just as the girl does.

Yet, she is still a doll; she will only do as you wish and nothing more--she is afraid. And she cannot compare to the other girl, or so she thinks.

And now the doll is beginning to think for itself. It is beginning to get up and move about on its own.

What does that make her?

RANDOM - Musings Part 6

Never have I slept for several days and had such vivid dreams of one person. Not that they are dreams of that nature; they are dreams that I can barely remember, but I know he was there; it's like a presence that can't be forgotten.

It's somewhat strange.

And then there is the fact that when I'm with you, everything else falls away. It can be a nice thing, but it doesn't exactly help when you leave and let the rest of the world come crashing down on me.

Being close to you is like an addiction, a drug--I can't get enough, and it feels so good. And for some reason, you don't seem to mind it either.

But you should.

RANDOM - Musings Part 7

I need you to go back to her. I need things to go back to how they were. I need to know that it's all going to be alright and that I haven't just royally screwed someone else's relationship over. I need to know that things are alright between you two.

Either that or I want you to give.

I would really like for you to give.

But that would be selfish and horribly cruel to the other side.

Before I thought that love triangles were wonderful dramatic aspects of plot. Now, I realize the complete agony and misery of them. There will be pain either way. It isn't just two people. There was another and what of that person?

Alas.

now I want to drabble about love triangle...gahhhh!!

RANDOM - Musings Part 8

But I don't want to see you yet. I want to let time wash over us and erase it like the marks in the sand that never existed.

And yet, I do want to see you again.

For some reason, you've gained the ability to make the rest of the world fall away. When I'm with you, it's like nothing else matters--well, it does, but with you there I can keep it at bay.

Yes, it sounds like stupid sappy love poetry, but it's oddly true.

And I should want to embrace these feelings. I should be rejoicing in them, but I can't. They feel wrong. It's not my place, and I don't want to cause waves.

What could have been dismissed as an idle fantasy before has escalated into something of guilt.

It's hard to talk to her now.

RANDOM - Musings Part 10

Before it had been simple, playful, artistic. I had not really been attached. However, in that one night when I found my hands in his hair, something changed. Before I could write it off as a crush, infatuation--something that nothing would never come of. Yet now something somehow has.

It never should have happened.

Yet it did, and I don't know what it means. It means that I'm far more serious than I have ever been in my life--me who is shy to hug her guy friends that she's known for six years played with his hair. It may not seem like much, but it translates into so much more when put in proper perspective.

But then I don't know what it means to him.