RANDOM - Musings Part 11

He seems the type to have had many girlfriends before or at least a few. He is easy to like and charismatic. I know nothing of his past lovers. I don't know the nature of the relationships--if they were serious or flings. It would be nice to know. Then I would be able to tell if he was doing the whole fling thing.

But I don't know.

My plan of sitting in a corner and doing nothing doesn't seem to be working very well. If he advances, I react--it's just instinctual.

Is that all it is? Instincts? Is that what makes me react so? I don't know.

RANDOM - Musings Part 12

And what in the world is going on inside his head?

If I could, I would give just about anything to know that right now.

Because he did start it.

It doesn't matter that I reciprocated--yes, it does, but that's not the point--it never would have happened had he not initiated it. I will always play black.

Just what the heck were you thinking?

Are you just playing a game or do you honestly think I'm worth going behind your girlfriend's back? And if I'm that worth it, shouldn't you tell her? ...Or are you waiting for me? Waiting for what? To tell her? To tell you?

Well, that's never going to happen. I refuse to directly break up a relationship that I'm not in. It just seems sort of petty. And yes, I may like you, but so does she...

And I know how it feels to be the third person.

RANDOM - Musings Part 13

I suppose this could all be solved were I to just talk to one of you, and all my questions would be answered. But then, asking would require admitting more than I'm willing to admit to either of you right now.

I won't be the one to take the first step. Yes, it's a cowardly way of living. I'm not going to move until I'm absolutely sure of something.

But then how did I end up with my fingers entwined in his hair?

I was sure of nothing at that moment. It had been a casual brush, then a playful touch, and it became a caress.

How did I end up playing white?

Then again, I was not first at that move, but I'm not one to initiate something.

A penny for your thoughts? I wish it were that cheap.

RANDOM - Musings Part 14

Just what the hell was with that look?

I thought it was all alright. You were back in her arms, and she in yours. Whatever transpired between us was gone, forgotten. I do admit that I had to leave the room. I made excuses to deliver things.

But then you half followed me. I don't know what to make of that.

And then when I came back and saw you in her arms again, you shot me that look--the thing that I wanted to capture in art for the longest time--I discovered what makes a face different.

But what bothers me is that you gave me that look from her arms. Do you think she won't notice? Do you think you're being clever? Do you think you can lure me into running off with you somewhere else?

...You probably could, but that's not the point. Who do you think you are? You have a girlfriend. You shouldn't be doing this.

And then I left for good and thought that you would disappear back into your room. But no, you followed me, and somehow it was just you. I don't know how you disengaged her, but you somehow did it.

And then you came to me.

RANDOM - Musings Part 15

I do wonder about you. Who is your first? You can't have both of us--not without consequences. Of course, there's a consequence no matter what, but cheating at the game never gets you anywhere.

It just makes a big mess of things with all the penalties for breaking the rules. What may have been daring and romantic at the time becomes stupid and short sighted.

But then again, it could be the biggest gamble to win the biggest bet.

Of course, you'll never really know until after the rules are broken. And you have to play. The game is always going on even if you're standing on the sidelines. Someone will nudge you into the front row, and what you thought was a prime vantage point becomes the front line. You are always playing.

RANDOM - Woken Up

Why is it that being woken up by a person is so much nicer than being woken by the blare of an alarm clock? It does not matter if the person simply calls your name or if the alarm is your favorite song--the person is always better.

Is it the touch? But then there are times when we are woken without touch, and it is still infinitely nicer.

Perhaps it's simply the personal aspect--the fact that there is another soul there in the room with you--that instead of being summoned forth from dreamland by the mechanical noise, you are called by a kindred spirit whom has also walked the same land.

RANDOM

Caffeine and His Smile

She's running on caffeine and his smile
Her last coffee was over a week ago
And she hasn't seen you in three days
And there's still such a long way to go.

Another cup will take her an extra mile
A passing glance will carry her two
But if you would spare her a single smile
The smallest affection would send her through.

She's running on caffeine and his smile
Her last coffee was over a week ago
And she hasn't seen you in three days
And there's such a long way to go.

It was never the drink that she wanted
Nor did she want to depend on you
But now she's addicted and haunted
By visions of hell and you.

She's running on caffeine and his smile
Her last coffee was over a week ago
And she hasn't seen you in three days
And there's such a long way to go.

There is no cure to this addiction
She's been ensnared body and soul--true
A curse, a blight, an affliction
There's nothing she can do.

She's running on caffeine and his smile
Her last coffee was over a week ago
And she hasn't seen you in three days
And there's such a long way to go.

Such a long, long way.

RANDOM

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v299/Psyrien/Tug.jpg

My life in a bumper sticker.

If you pull, I will follow. I'm not going to approach you, but I'm not going to stay away. If you call me, I will come. If you stand close, I will not move away. If you are there, I will stay.

I love that bumper sticker :) Thank you for everything today, and staying by me. (off to drabble)

@dragon
No problem. Some things are more important than studio--I bet the archi teachers would kill me if they heard me say that. xD

RANDOM - Awakening Part I

So I awoke today to this uneasy feeling. I should have slept for at least an hour more, but I was shaken. The feeling seized me and wouldn't let go. Once I had awoken in its grips, I could not simply go back to my dreamland.

I could not quite name where it had come from since I had gone to sleep in such a tired state.

Maybe it's stress from work. Maybe it's just all starting to get to me. I don't know.

RANDOM - Awakening Part II

Then again, I can now think of one reason.

Last night you walked next to me. Last night you followed me. Last night it looked like you were going through the motions with her.

Yes, you sat next to her. Yes, you put your arm around her. But you didn't seem alive.

Perhaps it's because you're tired. Perhaps it's just that it was one of those nights.

Perhaps it means nothing.

RANDOM - Awakening Part III

Stupid, stupid girl. You knew this could happen. You knew that this was why you should give up.

Everyone is telling me this is wrong; it's a bad idea. I should not fall for my friend's boyfriend; I should not even think about dating him when he becomes her ex.

So I tried to give up.

And it felt like I was dying on the inside, and every time you reached out to me it was like a breath of air. It is pure instinct to try to survive--to live. It takes a strong will to resist life. And so I could not help but hold onto you.

I tried; I did. I know I can't say that I tried my hardest--that I did everything in my power to let you go. But I can't do that. I can only go halfway; if it's what you want, you have to meet me there because I really don't want to give you up.

And I really didn't want to realize that fact.

RANDOM - Awakening Part IV

Of course, maybe I'm jumping to conclusions about last night. Nothing was quite clear--those things weren't said or told. I wish I could say I was a perceptive person, but I tend to simply over analyze.

I don't know if I would rather me being wrong or right.

RANDOM - Awakening Part V

And I wonder about those sayings of how "if it's really meant to be, it will happen."

I believe that they're true, but they only tell you the good part. They leave out the hell that you go through to have it happen.

I don't want to steal my friend's boyfriend. I don't want to be that kind of girl. I don't want to have my friend hate me for something I couldn't control without dying on the inside.

But at the same time, I wonder if it was truly meant to be. And I long for it. I shouldn't, but I do.

RANDOM - Awakening Part VI

But it's just a game. You've got to play it. You're always in it. It doesn't matter if you want to play or not; you're simply bound to do so by the rules of life. And that is the one rule that you can never break.

But it just seems so demeaning to toy with these things like playthings. These are so much more precious than chess pieces.

And all of a sudden, I'm not only gambling my heart and soul but also my image. I suppose that is love--you will give everything for it.

It's a very foolish thing.

RANDOM - Awakening Part VII

Time to suck it up. Time to wake up. Time to get on with it.

Life goes on whether you're standing still or running with it.

And if I were to stand now, I would be knocked over by the crazy currents. I have to start moving one way or the other.

RANDOM

I know it looks nothing like you, but in my mind was the idle recollection of you saying you wanted to streak your hair red. In my mind, I was drawing you.

And it is as if my world has been recreated in E's. It is as if each face bears some trace of you; every person at the corner of my eye is you; there is a possibility that it is you walking behind me until I turn around.

With each person there is the infinite possibility that he could be you. But then there is also the reality that I know where you are, and that it really isn't you at all.

But like a fool, I like to entertain that hope. I would like to dream that my world is filled with E's. Well, perhaps not filled, but to have them appear unexpectedly would be nice that every time I turn around, I could see him.

It would be comforting.

RANDOM

Is it done? I hope to God that it is, but I know better. I'm simply in overjoyed mood because midterms are over, and I can see new beginnings on the horizon. That and I have not seen for three days that felt like three weeks, and I've found that I could live without you.

Well, I knew it before. I had just forgotten in light of being close to you--like one forgets that he can survive without staying in the warm indoors. Yes, it is a nice thing, but going outside in to the cold will not kill one. It will be uncomfortable; it will be a shock, but it will make one stronger and all the more glad of it.

The cold wind is refreshing, but I still like the warmth. It isn't necessary, and I can live without it. However, I will most likely go back to it. It was nice to be warm.

But it was nice to have a reminder--a break in this constant reliance--that I could live in the cold. I can be as free as a bird and just as lonely, but at least I'd be free.

RANDOM

"Come dance with me!"

And her plea was simply so happy that he could not help but half agree. He let his hands be clasped and let himself be pulled to his feet. He half wondered what he was doing. He didn't usually dance. Yet, he found himself being pulled to the open sidewalk and laughing along with the beautiful girl.

He didn't even know her name. All he knew was that her hair was the color of gold straw and that she was happy. He had seen her once or twice before in passing but never had they said a word to each other. And now he had suddenly found himself twirling her in his arms, reveling as if they had known each other forever.

She leaned in close to him and rested her perfect heart shaped face on his shoulder. Her breath skimmed his neck, and she giggled.

"Kiss me." Her voice was breathless from the laughter and dancing.

How was he to say no? So fae was this strange creature that he couldn't resist. He traced the edge of her face with his fingers and smiled at her. He tilted her head back and laid his lips upon hers.

She tasted sweet, like sweet wine though he had never tasted wine. She didn't taste human. She tasted of air and summer. He didn't want to stop.

But then she pulled away. A smile danced in her eyes. She tapped him on the nose and giggled. And then she picked up her skirts and ran.

And he never saw her again.

RANDOM

Friends over boys. It's just something you do. You don't ever choose boys over friends. Boys will come and go, but you don't mess up your friendships--those will be still be there when the boy has come and gone.

It seems too obvious to even be a choice. Who would go against such common sense? It would be illogical to defy such a rule.

But then love is often illogical, unreasonable, and impractical among many other things.

RANDOM - Love, A Game, and Architecture
(Good God, I don't believe I'm making this comparison. Someone please hit me.)

It is like architecture. We are told the conventions; we are shown what we are supposed to do; we are taught the rules. And if we become experts at these rules, we will be able to convey ideas and present ourselves well--people will understand. But people are not complete idiots. And the most beautiful drawings are made when the rules are broken.

Follow the rules, and you will find a love that is sweet and good. But if you choose to break them, you could happen upon something amazing. Of course, there is no guarantee that everyone will love the strange, newfangled work, but there are those who will love it. You can't please everyone, but everyone doesn't matter. Just remember, you must have a reason for why.

You can't simply break the rules because you want to. There needs to be something behind it--reason, logic, or the greatest lack of in the mind numbing passion called love. Yes, in this complex game there are rules for breaking the rules. Ironic, isn't it?

RANDOM - Musings Part 16

Oh dear, it seems that you truly are my muse. I have not drawn for the three days that I have seen you. I excused it simply because I didn't have the time; I thought I was just drained from staying up all night. But this is not true, I have drawn some of my best pictures at those times. But this time I didn't. I had my sketchbook and my pencil and just couldn't summon the will.

Today, I saw you again, and I suddenly have the desire to pick up a pencil again. It's absolutely absurd.

RANDOM - Musings Part 17

Why oh why do I find such a fascination with seeing your name? They are just letters in a certain combination that I have seen a million times before. Why do they evoke so much? Why must they pull at my soul and drag out everything that I held hidden? How can such simple lines have so much power?

RANDOM - The Sweetest Dream

It was some nights ago, but it was the sweetest dream I could ever recall. I would have written of it then, but the sheer loveliness of it overwhelmed me. When I woke I could not speak but simply remembered it with a tenderness in my heart.

And what else would it be of but you? It was nothing crazy. No dramatic profession of love or desperate confession. That's not you.

My soul was in turmoil, and I couldn't rest. I was surrounded by those I loved, but they gave me no comfort. What I sought was not there.

And then you came. I don't know how you reached me. The ceiling should have been too low and you too short to see over the loft. But in such the way of dreams, it was somehow possible, and you were there.

You couldn't find me at first, and I chided you. And then as casually as you had appeared, you apologized for not being there. The words were simple, not quite eloquent, but something sweet all the same--almost like a quote from SCSC I had mused to myself.

And then you embraced me and just held me. And I can vaguely recall being on the edge of tears, but I didn't cry. It felt like a goodbye, but it was nice all the same--comforting.

I didn't quite remember it when I woke up, but there were times in the day when I wanted to give up and I remembered--I remembered the sweetest dream I ever had and I could go on again. I wasn't holding on to you. You were pushing me. It was as if you had told me to stand on my own--to be strong. And so I did.

And for the next three nights, I didn't dream of you again.