RANDOM - To fall asleep with you

It really is nice to sleep next to someone. I mean this in a perfectly chaste and pure way. It's just nice to have someone there. Warmth. A presence.

Yes, it is tempting. I would so like to reach out and hold it close, cherishing it for it is a life next to my own. It is something that should be treasured.

But I'm not allowed to do that.

It's something written in the laws of society and good faith. I can't ruin this. It isn't mine. And it too is precious.

No matter how much I wish to seek comfort from it, I can't. I can't do anything. Yet, I can't help myself. I will grope for some excuse. I will write it off as something done unconsciously in my sleep. He can't blame me for that. Well, he could, and I do suppose it would be awkward.

Why can nothing be chaste and sweet? Why is it that there must be these rules so that everything must have some sort of innuendo to make me cautious?

I want to fall asleep with you.

That is all. I simply want to share the sweetness of the night and two minds in dreaming and the warmth. I don't want anything more, yet even this is denied of me.

ahck,why must you write this right before I have to go, I want to respond!!!!!

RANDOM - Out of Your League Part I

It's silly. I've always had this notion of having a very pretty, awesome guy. And I know looks aren't everything. I know just wanting this will probably screw me over. However, I can't help it. I've heard the stories. I've seen it happen. This is just something that I have to learn the hard way.

I know it, and I'm prepared to own up.

I'll figure it out, and change respectively then. There really isn't much of a way to break the dream girl from her fantasies without shattering them. They've got to be shattered sometime sooner or later, so why not go about it in the most fantastical manner?

RANDOM - Out of Your League Part II

Perhaps you could call me stuck up. I know that those guys are "good guys"; there's nothing very wrong with them that makes them below me. I suppose I'm only out of their league because I make it so.

I suppose it makes me a terrible heartbreaker. Alas.

However, I want what I want, and I would rather do without then settle for anything less.

RANDOM - To my love Part II

Oh my love!

I've found I can't leave you. Even when I don't even see you for a day, I cannot escape you. You are forever in my thoughts, the voice in my head, the shadow at my heels. Not to complain of it, it's comforting at times.

How I long for you, love! It seems as though I must love you--what else could such obsession be called?

Here I have had many lovers, but there I have truly had none. Yet, what am I to call this then?

Lover! You are mine just as I am yours as soon as you ask. You simply do not know of it yet. With this, I have claimed you as truly and irrevocably as a real lover would. The only difference is that you are ignorant.

And alas, ignorant you shall stay. For, love, though I have claimed you as such, it must remain so for propriety's sake.

Propriety! How I hate it. Why must I be such a good girl and abide by all the implied rules?

But love, I wish you were a stranger I could disengage. But it is not so. You are very much a part of me and have been for a long time. And it doesn't seem as if you'll be going away soon. Yes, you will leave, but that end is farther ahead. It just doesn't seem to be in sight yet.

There is still time to hope.

RANDOM

I want to melt away.

I'll just slide away into the sand. My body will dissolve, and it will be warm like lava. My essence will evaporate as smoke, and there will be nothing left but the air from my last breath.

It would be so soothing just to go. I would be nothing. I would be free. A peace.

----

A/N: Okay, yeah, I'm in a really weird mood. Please do note, I'm not feeling suicidal. It's just that I think it would feel so cool and peaceful to melt away... Yeah. Like I said, really weird mood. xD

93. Meant to Be
(Wow, it's been a long time since I've actually used my list. xD)

Meant to be? It sounds so romantic, so sweet, so quaint. There's that one whom you're meant to be with. There is no rhyme or reason as to why--you simply are.

Hah.

Meant to be... Meant to be alone.

It's like those comments on your report card in elementary school "doesn't play well with others." It didn't matter to you. You didn't play with them because you didn't feel like it.

It was a foreshadowing. That's how it's meant to be--a walk alone.

Author's Note:

Wow. I sound bitter. xD Well, it's not that--okay fine, yeah, I'm bitter, but that's not the reason why my posts are always so angry sounding. Right now it's the weird mood, the music, and the fact that I refuse to be sugary sappy for all the topics on the list. Why did I choose the romance list? WHY.

...it just brings out the bitterness in me. Oh the irony. xD

RANDOM - Choice

I would like it to be a personal thing. It should be something that one person chooses simply because they want to do it, not because they're just jumping on the bandwagon or to rebel.

Of course, I know that when it comes down to it, it's not just going to be a personal choice. Outside things affect it. Friends' opinions, family's expectations, peer pressure. Everything is a condition. It's impossible to make an isolated decision.

So when it comes down to it...

I just don't know.

I think I need more time. And for now, that will be my choice.

RANDOM - To fall asleep with you Part II

It's sad that this will probably never happen again. Not in the same way. Or perhaps it may, but it would be a very rare occurrence. It was not even supposed to happen the first time.

We were simply tired. We were bored out of our minds. All of us.

There were two beds, but for some reason, we all collapsed onto one.

It wasn't exactly comfortable, but in another way, it was nice. Very nice. Of course, after awhile, one was ousted off because there simply wasn't enough room for us to actually sleep.

And then that left me there with you.

We stayed like that for awhile. It was nice but uncomfortable. How I wanted to stretch out and lie comfortably! But to do that would put me too close to you. And so I restrained myself.

And then when you awoke and left for awhile, I couldn't help but expand into the expanse you left. It smelled of you; it was strangely comforting.

Of course, when you came back I wouldn't move. I wouldn't give up that comfort. So you tried to move me, but didn't quite have the heart to. And that ended it. You went to sleep on the other bed.

And I won the battle, but I really hadn't been trying to. I would have rather kept at the fight forever.

RANDOM - Coming

There's something there. You just don't know what it is. It's like a bud of some flower or another. They all look the same at the beginning--this little green cluster--but you know that something will come of it. There's something there that's great and wonderful and beautiful, but it's not quite arrived yet.

And it's almost maddening because you know it's coming. There's this crazy rush, this torrent, that's coming. It's raging down the mountain in a rush. You know it's going to leave you breathless. You know it's going to make you gasp.

But you don't quite know yet. It's not here. It's coming. It's on the tip of your tongue. It's something you can't quite describe.

All you can say is that it's coming.

RANDOM - Misheard

I missed you. I did. Honestly.

I just didn't say the right thing. I heard the wrong words. It's not that I'm too prideful to admit it. I would have gladly hugged you and confessed it, if I had been truly in the moment.

I'm a little distracted, yet. It takes a little bit more to get my attention.

But it doesn't help that you mumble. -.-

It's half the reason why you think I'm so cold. I simply don't hear you. I'm not intentionally trying to be cruel. I don't mean to ignore you. It's just that it's difficult to understand you when you talk. And so I end up being cold to you.

I don't want to be. I like you. You're my friend, but I'm not as close to you because of that one small fact.

Well, I suppose that is the way of things.

RANDOM - The Good Fight

It was never about winning the battle.

I didn't want to take something from you, not really. It was never about that. There's so much more than just winning and reaping the spoils.

It was the fight I loved.

It's the engagement of wits, the tension, the casual disarmament by words, the temperature, and sometimes the play of blows we came to. It was always these things. I never wanted more.

RANDOM - The Girl and the Piano

It means nothing to be the pretty picture of the couple and the piano. Although one must admit, it is a pretty picture--even prettier whilst one is experiencing it.

And then the music! The music opens an entirely different dimension. One forgets whats around her. One forgets everything. One forgets that she isn't in love, but the music makes her feel as if she is.

It's quite silly; they're foolish, these notions. Of course the girl can't fall in love after one song for when the music stops, reality comes back into place, and the girl remembers that she isn't love--it's just the music. It's just that it's so nice...

She would like to be in love; she would like to hold onto that feeling that took everything away. Perhaps it would work if she could watch him play forever.

RANDOM - But would you?

"...If you would have me." He trailed off into an awkward silence, looking abashed.

Her expression was one of pure shock. He could imagine her arching her eyebrow in that skeptic look of hers and telling him he had to be kidding. She blinked as if recovering from a blow.

"If I would have you?"

The boy sighed. He immediately regretted saying anything. Of course she would shoot him down. Who was he kidding? A girl like her would never have one like him by choice.

So of course her next words took him completely by surprise.

"Have you? Why wouldn't I? You, you're everything most girls would die for. Don't you know that? And then there's me... I'm really nothing compared to you. Truly." She looked him in the eye; the usual sarcastic look in her eyes was gone--she was being completely honest.

It was his turn to look shocked.

She brushed his face with his fingers in an almost sad way, as if she was sorry that he didn't know any of this. And then before he knew it, her lips were upon his forehead. The kiss was sweet, chaste; it carried the same tone as her fingers had.

"My dear, the question is not if I would have you but if you would have me."

The boy could hardly respond but for simply staring at her in wonder.

"Poor baby, did you really not know that?" She shook her head. "Silly."

RANDOM

You really love her, don't you?

This shouldn't be something that makes me sad. It's a wonderful thing. It's not something that should give me this aching empty feeling.

This is why I hate happy couples.

It's their purity--their chasteness in simple love--I can't stand it. I see it and I want to feel it. It's something so exquisite and indescribable. It's something that I crave so badly, but can't have.

It's watching the boy play the piano.

It's listening the boy sing love songs to himself.

It's seeing the girl change from tomboy to woman.

It's standing on the sidelines, while your two friends fall in love.

...you really do love her, don't you?

RANDOM - A Free Breath

It is done.
Another weight off my chest,
And I can breathe again...

But it's a sensation
All too short lived.

I take a breath.
As I inhale,
The world is pulling at my sleeves.
As I exhale,
I am being dragged under.

In the space of that one free breath
I have been claimed again.

It is destined that we shall never truly be free.

RANDOM - For Free Part I

The air and sun are free. One should be able to take a breathe and never have to pay; one should be able to lie in the warmth without giving coin.

Technically, this is true.

However, there are obligations--the poor tugging on the hem of your coat to get your attention--that you cannot ignore. These things dance before you extravagantly to catch your eye. They show off all their bonanza and flair to garner a look. They clamor like a noisy crowd on the verge of a riot. And you must look at them. They simply demand your time, and you cannot give them anything less in exchange.

Soon you are gasping, and every breath is hindered. It feels like all these things are upon your chest, pressing down, as if they maliciously want to take and take until they squeeze the life out of you.

No breath is free.

RANDOM - For Free Part II

Surely, one cannot be denied the sun.

A man cannot be sentenced a winter exile forever. Even if he were to live on the darkest side of the earth, the sun would come to him.

But in the same way that one's breath can be taken away, the sun can be stolen. The thief is our occupancy--the things that we need to do. We are always busy. We are always behind. We must always be somewhere.

The schedule is filled, and it seemed too silly to write a time slot for "enjoying the sun" in there. And so by these things, the sun is taken from us.

But it's amazing. You would have never thought that you could steal the sun from yourself.

RANDOM - For Free Part III

Yes. You are the thief.

You are the million hands reaching out. You are the schedule book with appointments scrawled on every line. It is you.

Do not make the excuse of "society." While society does play a part in it, it is ultimately you. You are influenced by society, but society is not you.

It will be for free if you make it so.

RANDOM

It's slipping away. It's like a wave on the sand, a butterfly on wing. I run after it in vain for it is like a hart, uncatchable.

But it isn't it's speed. It lingers, ever tempting, but as soon as I am close enough to touch it, it dances away.

It's infuriating. I can't get a hold of it. It escapes my grasp no matter how I reach for it.

Alas. And I have lost it again.

RANDOM - Touch Part I

It's strange--not quite foreign but not yet familiar. I've felt this before, but not in the same way. It was never so close, so sudden.

It almost feels forbidden.

And it is perhaps this that makes it the most alluring of all. Really, there aren't any rules that say this isn't allowed. This much is perfectly acceptable in society's standards.

Perhaps I'm simply the sheltered island girl unused to the mainland customs. Well, it isn't quite mainland. It's certain cultures. I've noticed it in some with all the international students here. Some are far more touchy than others, and some are far more distant; some are only touchy in their clique of the same race; some are casually touchy with their friends. However, there are certain patterns that they follow.

RANDOM - Touch Part II

As for me, I suppose I fall under the category of only being touchy with my close friends or when I want something from them. As for the latter, I'm usually never bold enough to actually take anything, so it ends up me only being touchy with close friends.

But that boy isn't so touchy with anyone else besides his girlfriend. If I recall, he doesn't do that to any of the other girls in our group. ...Do I seem needy or something? Is it necessary to be so close to me in order to induce me to be social? Is that the vibe I give off?

Perhaps. It may be the case. However, being so close tends to make me freak out rather than warm up to a person. That or it makes me have stupid little theories in my head like this. Normally, I really wouldn't have stayed so close. I'd make an attempt to make space, but I was just so tired, and it felt nice to be close to someone... It was purely physical comfort that meant nothing but was nice.

RANDOM - Touch Part III

That's a dangerous thought. Seeing how easily I can fall prey to it means that I'm probably very susceptible to becoming addicted.

And the avian turns serpiente...

Then again, perhaps I am still truly like the avian. Touch has always been something so special. It isn't that I've been cut off from it completely, but it has more of a value instead of something that was simply always there.

But I have always loved it and craved it. So perhaps I am a serpiente simply cut off from its needs?

Either way, it's addicting. Terribly so. Physical touch is just nice. It doesn't have to be sensual. It's just the feeling of someone there--their presence next to yours.

It is much like sleeping next to someone. In fact, it is one and the same for the two could very easily overlap.

It's just such a nice feeling. I didn't want to let it go...

RANDOM

This girl has a problem. She always wants what she cannot have. She will fall for those who are taken. She'll try to reach for the prize just out of grasp.

Some call her silly; some call her a Romantic. Well, she is a Romantic if you look at it in that light.

However, the outcome is always the same.

Notions fail. Real life sucks. Unrequited love, while it makes good stories, never has a happy ending.

Yet the girl continues to believe in these things. Of course, it isn't quite the same, but she just can't seem to abandon these principles. She certainly sees thinks much differently, bitterly, cynically.

But deep, deep down, those things are still there. The girl has felt like these things left her long ago, but then the feeling sweeps her up again--unexpected, unwanted.

She wants them to leave her alone. Life would be so much simpler if she didn't have something she was waiting for.

But she just can't let that go.