RANDOM - As an Artist

These muses used to be imaginary, pure conjurations of my mind. They were nothing more than that. I wrote for them.

But now my muses are of flesh and bone. They walk where I don't tell them. They are free in mind and soul. They truly do not belong to me, and yet in a way I have made them my own. I now live for these. Instead of simply writing to the air, I write to someone who will never read these words.

They are very much like unsent love letters. It's the act of writing that I get caught up in, not the reality. The only purpose of the reality is to inspire and for my body to live in. As for my mind, it lives somewhere else entirely. Reality is not its home. It lives in the realm of romantic notions and pretty poetic devices.

Yes, it is a bit pathetic, but that is my way as an artist.

RANDOM

This whole not seeing you thing isn't helping matters. I don't know exactly what seeing you would do. Maybe it would ease this strange pain eating at my soul. Maybe it would make it worse.

All I know is that I can't stand this--this nothingness.

It really isn't that bad. I've gone longer without seeing you--months even. Why do two days seem so very long now? It feels like years and years, and there is still no promise of an end.

I've entered the dark of the storm and there is no light to lead the way. I am lost--completely and utterly lost.

What am I to do?

RANDOM - Dramatic Confession Part I - The Confession

Oh, but what am I to do?

My love, surely you need me as much as I need you. My love I can't be mistaken. I simply can't. Such an idea is preposterous!

Because if you didn't, that would leave me here all alone, left in anguish. You wouldn't want that for me, would you?

Don't you want the best for me? Don't you want to see me fly amongst the clouds one day? My love, I'm falling right now, and it's up to you to catch me. If you catch me, we can fly.

But if you don't... Well, it would break me. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I am simply being honest. Perhaps it is a flaw of mine--being to honest. But I have to tell you.

RANDOM - Dramatic Confession Part II - The Response

You, sir, you may be too honest. And no, you do not have to tell me of how I would utterly break your heart and leave your soul in a puddle on the floor.

You could instead simply choose to suffer in silence. Do not think that a lady does not know how horrible it is when she must reject a suit! It is hard for her and horribly awkward.

Well, it's true for most ladies at least, but those others are not truly ladies, in my opinion.

So sir, I will answer you're question: What are you to do? You are to go on your way and learn how to actually care for a woman without letting your honesty get in the way. You will learn to actually confess to a woman and mean it. You will not be over dramatic and try to win her on pity.

And sir, before you say I am too cruel, you should know that I don't consider myself a lady.

RANDOM - This is it.

It's in that one, that photograph right there. That's what I wanted to capture. It's that expression. It's in that way that I have come to recognize him in my mind. That is what I want to put to paper.

And it sort of blows me away...

RANDOM - Heartache

They say love is all in your head. It exists in the mind. The brain is where you think, where all your thoughts are. This is what modern science has discovered.

So then why does your heart hurt?

Your heart doesn't think. It beats. It's a muscle that pushes blood through your veins, that gives breath to your body. It is vital for survival, yes, but it is not where the thought process takes place.

Yet, there is this searing pain that happens right here.

Why? Is it simply because we have thought this way for so long that it's become a mental fix in which we have tied love to our hearts? But even the old fashioned ideas die sometime, and there will always be rebels who deny it. Yet, none do.

And it's not just a culture thing. This is everywhere--all over the world. It's not something cutesy that the greeting card company came up with to sell to us. It's real. Every person who has been in love has felt their heart ache.

But love is supposed to be all in the head and your heart no more than an organ. It shouldn't feel things.

But then what is this pain in my chest?

I should respond again soon, but I am currently paying attention to my own, will respond after i am bugging self that I need ideas or soemthing. Haven't read in depth, I might catch back up the 3-4 pages after event. Keep it going.

RANDOM

They all seem disappointed; they frown and shake their heads at me.

But was I really that bad?

I don't feel like I was that wrong. Yes, it was against conventions, and I know conventions are there for a reason, but nothing worse became of me. In fact, I've grown. I've had a whole new experience. I've learned so much.

And you shake your head at me.

Is it wrong to be happy about this? I know that this was perhaps not the right time to learn, but what's done is done, and it's made me who I am now.

And I like that person. She's done some things she shouldn't have, but she's learned. She lives for the joy of it, and the things she's done help define her.

And yet you still shake your head like you want to take that all away from me.

RANDOM

And every night, they walk in each other's dreams...

I wonder if you walk in mine as I walk in yours. Perhaps your presence in my mind is simply the result of me trying to summon you to myself. If wishing with one's entire soul and being made wishes come true, I would have summoned you to me.

But alas, that is not so for you still remain far away from me.

Truly, it is not that far. I could walk there in a trice. It would be the simple donning of my coat, movement of my legs, and opening of doors. Physically, you aren't that far away at all.

But that is not the distance I speak of.

There are so many things between us--some put there by us and some not. These things distort the physical distance and make a wall seem a mile wide--uncrossable.

It's funny how lovers say that they would do anything to be by their beloved. Really, it's a very easy task when one breaks it down. Just go.

But it isn't that easy.

There's too much space.

RANDOM

Relief. She finally saw him again. Not that she was worried, not that she thought he was in danger, she had simply needed to see him. Nothing had to be done. Nothing had to be said.

She simply had to sit there in his presence. She would be a pair of eyes to watch, or a pair of ears to listen. She didn't need a sense of touch because she would be so far away that wouldn't matter. Besides, he didn't have to be so close.

She simply needed to see him again.

And she saw him. And her heart mended.

But when she left, it broke again. And so each time she sees him, it mends; every time she leaves, it breaks again.

And so she must see him again.

She doesn't care that her heart would break again. It's broken already. When she sees him, it mends, and that is all she needs.

Author's Note:

Gah. That was an incredibly emo-lovesick drabble. >_< Remind me to never randomly think of Ella Enchanted when I'm recovering from drinking.

RANDOM - Your face... Part I

What makes a face a face? Not just a face, but what makes each face different? What is the difference between features that can capture such a striking mood and one that we simply pass over? What makes a face catch one's eye and not let them look away?

Yes, features are of different sizes and different shapes. But just what makes that face that face?

The artist stares and scrutinizes, and she notices small differences--the nose is longer, the mouth fuller--but she still can't quite get it right. There's always something missing even though she has stared and stared. There's something vital missing from the face of the person she knows. It is recognizable as a face but not necessarily of the person.

Perhaps it is the expression--the light in the eyes that I know but just can't capture. But no, when the artist detaches herself, there they are, just twin dots of white as she has made them just like the picture.

It's not enough to get the details right. Either that or there is one very vital detail that I haven't found yet.

There's something else behind there--something just out of my grasp.

RANDOM - Your Face... Part II

I think I finally know what Bran meant by "artist's eye." I now share that same craving to look at someone and know everything--their dark corners, their sides, their shape.

And the crazy thing is that I really do mean this in a perfectly artistic way--right now at least. It is a line that could be easily blurred.

But even though I do mean this artistically, it doesn't give me an excuse to walk up that person, plop myself down, and just stare. They would stare back, and then I'd probably lose my nerve. I wish that I could just stare and stare at a face till I knew it like a rock worn smooth from rubbing. I should like to study it and know it and be able to recall every detail and crevasse.

But society says staring is rude. Besides, it would probably scare the person away, and I'd never be able to look again.

The closest I can get is photographs. ...and while they are better than nothing, they still lack. At the first glance, you see nothing exceptional. But then you study it, and you think you see it--that look that you wanted to capture. But then you lose it, and it becomes nothing more than a flat paper with colors.

And then trying to capture something from a forgery of life just deteriorates the value. It goes even further away from him.

RANDOM - Your Face... Part III

Is it really that I'm missing something, or is it that I get so caught up in you that I can't focus properly?

I'm really not sure which is the problem.

All I know is that I must see you again to do this properly. And again. And again. And again.

You don't know how frustrating it is to draw you. You change every day. A photograph from a week ago is no longer enough. After seeing you a time in between then and now, it isn't the same. There's something different about you that wasn't there yesterday.

But this is absolutely insane because I really have no guarantee of seeing you. And so the artist's eye in me withers and grows desperate from hunger.

I don't know what will become of it--if it will snap or simply die...

I wouldn't want that.

But I really don't see any way for this to be resolved when the object of my artist's eye is so far away.

Alas.

RANDOM - 1
(Note: The following will be very overdramatic and stupid because of my current state... Ignore the large amounts of melodrama.)

Yes. Yes, you probably are the worst mistake I ever made.

I was not supposed to lean on you. I was not supposed to fall for you. Not like this. Not right now.

You weren't supposed to encourage me.

It was hard enough before. I did bethink you charming and had one of those slight crushes, but it was nothing serious--it just disappeared.

But then two factors came in--you and drink. Drink encouraged me, and you encouraged me further. ...and now I've come to associate the two with each other, so now that I lack one, I feel somewhat empty.

But it really isn't my place.

And I swear that this isn't me talking.

RANDOM - 2

And this had made me reckless. It makes me feel like I should march across campus and fling open the door. It makes me feel like I should go and make a scene.

...but I know I shouldn't. Not today. Today would bad. And I would feel horrible after. I know I'm not myself. The ordinary me does not contemplate being bold and reckless--well, fine it does, but it's always in a more dreamy way. I never really do consider it.

But now I do. And it scares me.

That's why I left.

But that was bad too because I could glance over at the window, and I fancied that I saw you. And I was half a thought away from going inside to drop by.

But I know that's not a good idea. I'm somewhat rational right now. For that I'm thankful. But then I think that side is a little too large. Because of it nothing ever will happen.

Of course, there has never been a right time.

RANDOM - 3

Every single time I even felt an inkling of something, I couldn't go for it.

Why?

Because they were all taken. LKSDJFIEKNLWDFS.

But see, up until now, it has always been a one sided thing. I was the only one who saw something. I was deluding myself in to believing them in love--well they were, simply not with me.

Do you know how very depressing that is?

And then now... Nothing against you guys. I really do love you all, and I'm happy for you, but it's like you're all hooking up. And I know I put up this big front of being bitter and proud of it, but honestly, it kinda sucks.

I guess I cling to it because it's the only thing that I really have. Yeah, yeah. I'm pathetic. Bah. Live with it.

RANDOM - 4

And now I wonder what you're doing. I wonder about you. I wonder...

I wonder if I'm missing out.

You know, I really feel like I want to be around people, but at the same time, I know that I really shouldn't. Control is telling me one thing, but this is other thing is telling me another.

Good god, I'm so far gone that I think these guys singing aren't so very crappy like I swore they were this afternoon.

Yeah. This is why I wouldn't let myself knock on your door.

But I still have half a mind to do something.

It's just kinda lonely, but it's probably better to sit here and be lonely instead of doing something I'll regret later.

RANDOM - 5

I sort of want to cry. Well, no, not really. I feel kind of mellow right now. I suppose this what I'll be like if I can't get the affection and happy feeling.

Right now I'm at that point where I could get pushed very easily, but see, no one pushed me. And I won't seek your affection on my own.

Like said, I like to play black.

But after the first move, I'm going for the throat.

Yeah... That's why I'm not around people right now.

But I still want to be.

Well, more specifically, I want to be around one specific person.

I don't think it's really anything more than physical. I... don't know. It was just that having it was nice and I want more.

And it's so insane--your song. It seems to relate so very perfectly.

RANDOM - 6

If it hadn't been for you, and it truly was you, I wouldn't be like this.

You sat too close. You leaned over too much. You toed the line. You crossed the line. You handed me the cup. You played with my hair. You did something to me ear.

If you hadn't done anything, I would have been content to simply sit on the sidelines and wander around in the background like the unattractive, unrelationship deserving goon that I am.

But then you gave me a taste.

And I could almost hate you for that.

But like you said, I don't. I really don't.

But I really should.

RANDOM - 7

And the sweet taste is still on my lips and the rush is still in my head. I need this to go away. I need to just forget this all.

I suppose I know how all those girls in the dramas feel now. I'm now that mean, bitchy girl who falls in love with that guy who's already going out with the main girl.

And I never thought that would be me. I could hardly be so petty, I thought. I had more control then to fall for someone else's guy.

Apparently not.

Well, not like this anyways.

And I really do feel for them now. It sucks. It seriously sucks.

And I almost can't blame them for being so petty because come on, they're in love too. It's not like the main couple is the only thing that exists in the world. Other people fall in love too. Other people feel that searing agony of sweet torture.

It's just that not everyone gets to reap the awards.

But oh my gosh, I hate being the character on the sidelines.

RANDOM - 8

And it's been like this forever and always. It's not necessarily that I will fall in love with them, but it seems like couples just seem to click together around me. I don't know. It's not like I play match maker; it just happens and I'm doomed to watch it happen.

It's sweet--it's really sweet. But it's heartbreaking. Have you ever heard a boy sing a love song and had it break your heart from pure envy?

I had to leave, so he wouldn't see me cry.

I love you guys; I do. It's just that it's maddening--absolutely maddening.

I mean, I could supposedly go and make a mission of the whole thing, but that seems a little, oh I don't know, desperate.

I don't want a relationship out of desperation.

I want one where I'll fly, damnit.

RANDOM - 9

But of course that's not going to happen while I'm so fricking needy.

If I had actually kissed someone before, I should have walked up to you and done so. ...And that was a random thought. This is how bad I am. This is why I must be alone when I lose control.

I suppose it isn't quite artistic any more.

I do wish that it was something more. I wish that you really did find me a better match. I really wish that there was something behind all those gestures.

But I don't know.

And how am I to find out?

And if I were to find that I was right, what would I do?

Would I really be so petty as to steal you away? Would I at that point become the lead girl and you the petty one?

But she was there first.

But then being first means nothing.

RANDOM - 10

They loved each other first, yet they fell apart when he found his true love. He had only really been playing, while she had been serious. She didn't want to let go. But it just wasn't meant to be, and you knew this as you looked on. You watched and saw the main couple get together. You saw the other girl steal away another's love. You saw them be petty with each other. You saw them fight for something more. You saw that it was more than just play.

It's the story of many a korean drama.

And I don't know which role I have right now. Maybe this isn't a drama at all.

Maybe you were just playing the field. Maybe you didn't mean anything at all.

But it bugs me.

What if you did?

What then?

And how do I find out?

I suppose at some point this will drive me insane and it will just come falling out of my mouth uncontrollably--like a poisonous venom being extracted. And then it will be a spewed mess all over the floor, and I'll want to swallow it and take it all back. But I won't be able to. You'll have seen my insides, and the sight will be so traumatizing that you won't be able to forget.

It will be one way or another at that point.