Maddie's Testing the Waters 50 Drabbles-7/50 Complete
 

#46. Voice

"What happened to my voice?" asked the woman as she sat gazing at her reflection in the water, completely dismayed that it was nothing more than a whisper.

Her voice used to be loud and flamboyant and laughter would often spill from her lips as she told stories and engaged with those around her. It used to be powerful and able to direct and lead and inspire. Somewhere along the line that all changed. Her voice was now quiet and meek, afraid to speak up, and unable to laugh.

Was it age that did it? Was it because she was forced to give up her life and who she was for the lives and wellbeing of others? How would she get it back?

She ran a finger through the water causing ripples to form and fan out from where her finger had been. She didn't like who'd she become and who she saw staring back at her. She stood up and walked away from the water, determined to get her voice back.

#45. Shooting star

The air was cold and crisp as the woman and a young girl no older than about eight years old looked up at the stars.

It had been a long year for these two. They had moved twice that year. It has been particularly hard on the child as she had to say goodbye to friends that she had just found. The woman had gone from job to job, each one worse than the last, in order to attempt to make ends meet. She thought about what it must have been like for her grandmother who had raised four children back when being a mother alone in the world was considered taboo. Her grandmother carried herself with such dignity and poise and the woman tried to emulate that everywhere she went.

Often though she didn't feel like she was very good at it because people judged her based on everything from the size of the shirts she wore to the color of her hair and the crookedness of her teeth. The unspoken ridicule that the woman felt from anonymous judgemental eyes was often enough to tear down her strong persona, leaving her feeling worthless and alone. She wanted to cry out "Why Me God?" at the top of her lungs so that the entire world and God could hear her plea for help, but she never did. She buried her feelings of self loathing and put on a smile and tried to face it head on.

"Look mommy, a shooting star!" said the girl with an excited squeal.

The woman looked at the shooting star and made a wish. She wished that her daughter would never feel that same self loathing and carry herself just as her grandmother had done: with poise and strength and dignity.

"I saw it honey", said the woman as she turned to look down at the child who was wrapped up in a blanket in her arms. "Don't forget to make a wish". She hugged the child close and let the feeling of unconditional love wash over her. It was moments like these that gave the woman her strength back and allowed her to press on each day.

"It's starting to get cold. Do you want to go inside and get some hot chocolate?" she asked the child.

"No mommy. I want to stay right here with you forever." said the girl as she turned her attention back to the sky. The woman also turned back to gaze at the stars and wiped away the small trickles of tears that ran down her cheeks.

#32. Diary

August 10, 1977

Dear Diary,

Today my mom let me go to the old cow pond behind the school. She didn't want me to go there at first because she was afraid that I might get bit by a snake or something. I told her I'd be extra careful and that she won't find me dead in the desert somewhere. I'd run if I saw a snake. Really I would. They're icky.

I had a great time there! My friend Casey came too but I don't think her mom knows she was there. She wasn't supposed to be anyway. She splashed me with water so I threw mud at her. She screamed because she thought I threw cow poop on her. Like I'd touch poop or something.

I found an old coffee can lying in the wash so we scooped some water in to it and caught tadpoles and frogs and I took them home. I was all muddy and my mom made me take the tadpoles back since she didn't want them in her house. She made me take a good bath.

I hope she lets me go back there tomorrow.

#44. Piggybank

November 12, 2004

Dear Diary,

My mom makes me so mad! She grounded me for a week because she said it wasn't right for me to take the money out of my brother's piggybank to buy him a gift for Christmas. I don't see why not. I mean, I spent the money on him. She says it wasn't right for me to spend his money for him under the guise (what does that mean anyway) that it is a gift from me and that I need to use my own money for stuff like that. Whatever... lame.

Oh and I saw Eric today with that girl. Got she is so ugly. What does he see in her anyway? She looks like she could be a piggybank herself. She is pink and round and has a pug nose. I bet she squeals like a pig too. Probably has a cork in her you know where to keep him out and who knows what in. Ugh I despise that girl. She is just using him you know. Once she sees something better she is going to drop him like a hot rock. Casey still has the hots for monobrow although she'll never admit it. She says she doesn't believe in love, although I think she is a liar.

Oh well. I better go to bed now. I'll write more later!

#13. Afterlife

"Mommy, what happens to us when we die?" the little girl asked as she sat next to her mother in the very last pew of the church. Her grandparents had been taken away very unexpectedly one evening and she hadn't quite grasped the concept that they were gone and would not be there to greet her anymore when she woke up in the morning; nor would there be days when they would pick her up from school. She sat confused, lonely, and scared in that pew, staring at the closed caskets up in the front. She had not wanted to be close to them in case they opened up like she had seen in a horror film once that her mother didn't know she watched.

"I don't know baby. No one does. Some people believe that your soul goes to heaven, while others believe that you are reborn and given another chance at life on Earth, and still others believe that nothing happens," her mother whispered to her; her eyes glued to the caskets in the front and occassionally dabbing away tear drops from her eyes.

"Casey told me that people go to Heaven when they die and if they are bad they go to a bad place. Is Grandma and Grandpa going to go to a bad place mommy?"

The girl's mother sighed aloud. There were so many secrets in the family that she had only recently learned and secrets that she herself carried about her parents that she wasn't sure if they would be forgiven for their sins or not. "I don't think they'll go to the bad place place dear. Oh, it's time to stand up and sing." Thankful for the interuption, the woman stood and took her daughter's hand in hers and began to sing.

#12. Bitter

All was quiet in the house as the woman drank the last bit of coffee in her cup. She stared blankly at the computer screen wondering why she was up at this hour. It wasn't time for work yet but her daughter had woken her when she had gone to bed, and the woman could not go back to sleep.

She lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. She was making herself sick, essentially smoking herself to death but she didn't care. Not anymore. Yes, her children would miss her when she was gone but she was sure that no one else would. She had one friend but this woman was self absorbed with parties and her own self inflicted pain which manifested itself in panic attacks. The friend had also allowed herself to be used by most men saying that it was because she wanted them to stay with her, as though just being herself wasn't enough. Her friend was a very large woman who had gone through gastric bypass and had a tummy tuck but did not change her habits and was right back where she started. Her personality however was brilliant. She glowed and made everyone around her happy. The woman thought it was sad that her friend couldn't see this in herself but remembered a time when she believed the same to be true, although she had not had any surgeries and was not big like her friend. She hoped for her friend's sake that she would find a man who loved her for who she was, and not use her simply for her money and not shun her because she was large. The woman smiled inwardly. While she hoped this was the case, she knew that most men were shallow and wouldn't find her attractive enough to date, even though her personality was beautiful and she was a beautiful person.

She pushed the thoughts of her friend from her mind. She didn't have time to dwell on other people's problems. She had problems of her own to deal with. She wondered if the school was going to call today to tell her that her son had been officially thrown out for being mean and abusive, or that her daughter was being suspended again for fighting with another particularly mouthy girl. Academically she couldn't complain about either child. Both were honor roll students, her son being in top percentile nationwide, but she couldn't understand where all this anger came from. Well, yes she could but she wasn't sure how to deal with it. She never hit them herself. Yelled a lot sure since they often stressed her out.

Right now though she was woman who was slowly shrinking away from everyone. She was stuck between caring for her children and caring for her own parents. As an only child there was no one to bear the burden but her. She accepted of course because she would do whatever she could for her family, but then again she had no choice. She remembered living in another city and going through another failed relationship which left her financially devastated. She often stood in the rain with her daugher and son in the line at the food bank, focusing on the ground and avoiding the stares and the compassionate looks that people often gave as they passed by. Sometimes kind souls would come up to her while she stood in line and offer her money but her pride would never allow her to accept. She would smile graciously and decline each time. With paper grocery bag in hand they would walk back to their fourth floor apartment and put the items away. She tried to keep a happy face for the children so they wouldn't worry and since they were so young she knew they didn't understand.

It had come to a point where the woman had to make a decision. Rent was due soon and she wouldn't be able to pay it. She decided to go back home and packed up the children and moved back to where she had started. She was surprised at what she had found when she arrived at her parent's home. The yard had been overgrown with trees, so much so that it looked like an entire grove had been planted. They obscured the house from view. The windows were broken and taped with duct tape. The weeds were as tall as her daughter and large amounts of junk littered the drive way and the yard. Her mother had gotten sicker. She was on oxygen now and would never come off of it and never left the house because of it. Her father had begun to rot from the inside and could no longer do many of the things he had in the past.

At this point the woman wasn't sure if what she had left behind was better or worse than what she had walked in to. Over the course of time she managed to dig out all of the trees and clean up the yard. She picked herself up financially and relies on no one for support and will probably never rely on anyone or share her finances with anyone again. She supported everyone now, all five of them. Realization was that she was stuck here. She couldn't abandon her parents now, as with most things, time had gotten to them and they were worse than they were before. Her mother needed constant care, if for no other reason than she couldn't or wouldn't leave the house unless it was to the doctor's office. Her father shared the burden with the kids, taking them to and picking them up from school. He would sit with her son and ensure that he did his homework each day while the woman worked.

While she appreciated his help she couldn't help feeling like she would never truly be free to live her own life and be who she was and have friends over for large gatherings and parties and have the kids' friends over to play unless her parents were dead. The burden she carried was overwhelming and she felt bitter and resentful that she was put in this position and even more guilty that she sometimes wished that they would die so she could be free. She was losing who she was because she could not BE who she was. She lived for everyone but herself and had no idea how to change it.

#4. Broken wings

The woman sat once again staring at her monitor as she exhaled grayish blue smoke from her lungs. It had been a long week, one made longer by the constant complaints and whining. It had gotten so bad that it became like white noise to her, only it didn't relax her. She realized that while she sat and pretended to listen to their petty complaints that she was just feeding off of their energy and making herself more stressed than she should be. She slept for an hour during lunch and felt a little better but that feeling was short lived since it was simply back to the grind.

She had come to hate her job and had to force herself out of bed each day and shuffle her way to the computer. She had begun to withdraw from her friends and sought solace online, to people she didn't know from face to face interaction, just mental interaction, which to her was actually better since there were no stereotypes of being fat, skinny, ugly, young, old, etc., to get in the way of real communication. She had come to love this interaction and probably knew more about these people than she did about the ones near to her physically. She came to care for them deeply and often felt helpless or worried and shared in their happiness and sorrow.

Somehow the interaction with some of these people began to hurt her more and more. Friends fighting with friends, petty arguments, and others simply stabbing them in the back for their own purposes. She wondered if her own negativity was somehow feeding in to this angst, anger, and sorrow that was being felt. People say that the internet is faceless and emotionless and that you can be anything you want to be online, but to her this statement was simply not true. Experience had told her that much.

Over time there were several fights and lost friendships. She considered herself a reasonable person but she found that she simply could not reason with these people. Something inside them had changed and they had become bitter and resentful, hateful and angry at everyone around them. She loved them but decided that it was best to simply let them go with the hopes that someday their broken wings would mend and they would once more be able to fly with the beauty and grace that they once possessed.

#8. Nostalgia

The woman sat and admired her nails. She had chosen a dark purple from the rows of colored bottles that lined the wall. It was always the same colors with her, either a deep scarlet, a bright magenta, or a dark purple. The shades might vary slightly but that was the range of her color choices. Her friend would get mad at her and want her to wear some ungodly pink, or worse, some form of puke mint green. She wasn't living in the 80's anymore and saw no reason to wear such crap. Even then she never did succumb to the really bright colors or shiny blue eyeshadow. She did have the blue mascara though and loved it. She never owned jelly shoes because even then she thought they were just stupid. She did, however, have these great pair of black steel toe cowboy boots and white moccasins that laced in the front. She wore those to her third Metallica concert along with her ripped up shirt that left her tits hanging out. She also had these sunglasses on and her hair was probably teased out about 6 inches all around. Her friend Denise didn't even recognize her as she walked by.

She sighed at the memory and smiled. At the time it was all festival seating and she was lucky enough to have managed third row. She felt bad for the girl that must have weighed 100 pounds soaking wet because she was smashed up against the barricade and eventually had to be pulled out and given oxygen. The giant Indians from the reservation that stood behind her kept trying to move her but she wouldn't budge. She finally got tired of being squashed and made her way to the mosh pit with her friend Nicki and met up with Andrew, John and Johnny Quest. She had a great time and eventually two pits sprang up and Denise later described it as this swirling vortex of people. She was chicken and didn't want to be down on the floor. The woman's shirt ended up getting torn to the point it was just a rag so she threw it off and ran around in her black bra for the rest of the night. Needless to say she got a lot of attention. She remembered going up the escalator after the show and seeing another girl in the same sort of shape she was in: bruised, makeup smeared all over, hair fucking everywhere. The girl smiled and high fived her and told her that they were the queens of the mosh pit. Fuck yea they were.

The woman's mind fast forwarded to a birthday party where her friend had rented a limo and they had gone out partying and they rented a hotel room along the freeway. Super 8, if her memory was correct, and continued the party there. She remembered walking by a room with the door wide open and a bunch of men also partying. At the time she wasn't shy at all and she walked right in and started partying with them. They had lines drawn out the length of the table. And it was time for blast off... She tried in vain to remember what her friend had said the next morning but she couldn't. It was a hell of a night.

Her mind fast forwarded again. She was not quite 20 years old and she was working for this little mom and pop deli and would deliver sandwiches to the local bar. As her tip the bartenders would make her up a vodka and cranberry and she'd sit and drink it before going back. Soon she found herself going there after work. By then everyone knew who she was and had no problem serving her. They never once carded her. She even lied to a cop's face while struggling to stand up when they ran her license and found that she wasn't old enough. Said that they had made a mistake. The cop knew she was bullshitting but let her go anyway. Probably the best lie he'd heard all night.

She fell in with the local biker gang and eventually moved in with one of the president's women. She remembered many nights of shots of root beer schnapps or cowboy cocksuckers being lined up along the length of the bar and you couldn't stop until they were all gone. She thought about how they would all empty the bar (bartender included) and go out on the back patio and pass the blunts around or the little envelopes of crystal that were made out of those camel bucks you used to get.

She knew that this was where her downfall started. She was living hard and fast but she wouldn't trade these experiences for anything. She wouldn't go back and repeat it, well maybe the Metallica concert and the general partying but not the bar experiences she'd had. That experience was a life lesson for sure and one that opened her eyes to what she was becoming and what people that lived that life everyday were all about. It took her a while but she eventually straightened out and put herself back together, a little scarred but definitely that much wiser.

She had hope now... new car... opportunity for a new life... time wasn't necessarily on her side but she needed it. 6 months... she could do it. Maybe March instead of May. She couldn't do January or February since those months are blacked out because of the busiest time of year for taxes and book work.

She had done the hard part... talked to her mother. Now she needed to save...

Things had suddenly become hard on her though. The sudden disappearance of one of the people she trusted most and then coming to find out that the person she trusted wasn't who he appeared to be at all. She was devastated and heartbroken to think that she had been played all this time. She had bared her soul over and over again and was getting nothing in return. She tried to put thought and effort in to things she would send but got nothing back. She had been told she was amazing and intelligent and funny and sexy but at the same time had been easy to just drop to the wayside without a second thought. She had rehearsed over and over in her head about what she would say to him when he came back and she would try to stand firm but she knew herself well enough to know that she would crack because she would be happy to see him. She wasn't crazy because she missed him but she soon figured that she was being driven crazy because she was constantly in the dark. She was always kept at a distance and allowed to only see bits and pieces while she herself bared it all and put it all out there.

She berated herself for believing in something like that... something so intangible. She wanted it to be true so badly that it hurt. She wanted to believe that there was someone out there for her, someone who liked her for who she was but at this point she was hesitant to believe anything. Her heart was shattered and she didn't know what she was going to do about it just yet. March would come and go and she would stay where she was. She had been looking forward to that trip and had been working hard and saving and trying to pick up the pieces of her life so she'd be ready for it when it came. Now, she would stay where she was since she had no interest in searching for a ghost or a child. Her friend had been right in that she shouldn't trust what people on the internet tell her because you can be anything you want to be. She hated that she had fallen so hard for him. Even more so because she couldn't understand it. She wasn't desperate by any means and had gone a long time without anyone because she wanted it to be right this time. She was tired of doing things wrong and kissing the toads as it were. Looks like she is going to keep on searching. She doesn't want to give up hope. She's not quite ready to give up on him either but as the days go on and the silence continues and if the things she is finding out are really true, looks like she will have to pick up the pieces yet again and continue looking...

The days went on and finally she received the answer she didn't want to hear. She was devastated to think that the girl had played her so badly, so horribly. It was by far the worst thing to do to a person. She wanted to say she hated the girl but in reality she didn't. Not really. She had forgiven her but she would never ever trust her again and doubted she would face her. Probably just slink off in to the shadows under another assumed name and do it again to someone else. The woman realized that she did not know the girl at all. The person she loved to talk to and had feelings for, didn't exist at all. He was just pieces of several people's realities all spun in to one.

This was precisely the reason why the woman didn't trust anyone and wanted to say "Thank you for furthering my distrust, resentment, and general dislike of the human population" to the girl. She wanted to thank the girl for being just like everyone else in her life and breaking her heart yet again. She wondered what kind of human being does that to another person. What kind of human is so unsatisfied with their own life that they have to make up someone else so that they can seem more interesting and then use that person to prey on someone else. Someone who didn't deserve it. The only thing the woman had ever done was be honest. She hadn't lied. She hadn't been a part of what had happened before. She had always treated this girl with respect and was never mean or cruel.

The woman had made peace with it and had started to pick up the pieces of her heart and her life and was moving forward again. She only hoped that the girl who did this would realize what a horrible thing she had done to someone who only ever wanted her to be happy and wanted a friend. She hoped the girl realized that she had destroyed every speck of trust she had earned and essentially destroyed the friendship that they had had. The woman would never believe a word she said and would probably only chat with her superficially. That is what she had reduced herself to. She hoped that the girl realized just how much pain she had caused the woman unnecessarily. The woman guessed that she probably wouldn't and would just go on to do it again to someone else. The girl didn't seem to understand that there were real people behind the text on the screen or maybe she did and that is why it was so easy for her to simply turn off the computer or the phone and disappear. Once the power was off, those people didn't exist anymore. It's just the internet after all...