97. age

I had always found that age was an issue
the people I loved
the people I wanted to learn from
they were a lot older
and so
disregarding that age gap
I always tried my hardest
to only chase
the ones my age
when in fact
i probably never should have
and now
looking
at the fact
I look so much younger
it bugs me a bit
for you see
i wish i was more mature
more mature looking
so that
i could stand proud
and not look anything
but what I am
to that person
not some young chick
but someone
that I can be with
for the rest of my life
without scaring
but it is the mere fact
I strike never
when I try for younger
and never had one
older
who likes me
this is a first
and how nice it can be
when i see the benefits of it all
when it all boils down to it
how was I so blind
and saw age as a barrier
for one can always be happy
with many people
versatile
even on age

83. rules

there are rules to this contract
that we have
it seems simple at first
but one must understand
I love him dearly
and wish I could stay
but it is something real
something cynical
that says I should doom it all
and so I do
we wrote up a contract
we each have what we think it is in our mind
but one must understand
neither of us expect it to last
so why is it?
is it that it is only three months
or is it soemthign more
we never wrote it down
not in hard core terms
but we both expect it to not
and as long as we follow the rules
it can stay
so why is it
that these rules we follow
is what we live
and yearn
to live forever by?

53. imagination

I call upon your imagination
your way
to tell stories
your way
to create a scene
it is though
that you have just as hard of a time
as I do
for you see
we both liek the prompt
and you have no idea how I react
it is something
you will need a video for
for it is just listening
to even your blunt side
that can speak
say what you want
and through it all
would allow every time
what I want
you say you aren't great
but neither am I
i have created an environment
where i have to be though
and that is why I can come up with it
for you see
it is something
I work on
I work on wanting
it is relaxing as everything
diving into your imagination
but at the same time into mine
so if you have no clue
it is true
teasing is easy
for the imagination
is everything
in the middle of the night

19. lover doves

"it's almost like you two were made for each other"

it was such a cute and sappy line
though true to it's word
but at the same time
have we spent all this time
uncontentious
or contentious
knowing each other
i know some of it
is because of one thing
he dealt with me in the beginning
when everything fell to pieces
but at the same time
then what is it with him
for we see
it isn't just that we are two doves
but not soul mates
but soemthing
where we are displaced
odd to the rest of the world
it seems like forever
but it has only been a few months
and we seem to know each other well
or soemthing
we spend time
but at the same time
we are pessimistic
that is how we want it to be
a contract
of proof
so that when something gets decided
it is a ruling
nothing more
but we change our plans
over and over again
to make
and change the rules
it gives us boundaries
something to never cross
and yet
past that
we know we can explore the world
so is it that we are doves
who know just who we can fly back to
or is it soemthing more?
or is that all that a relationship is?
nothing more
than two doves
exploring the world
with someone to come back to

98. pictures

I send one every day
maybe two
it is silly It seems
but i gives me an idea
of what to do
it is a started topic
something insane
for only him and I
but it seems
that one day
maybe
i will remember him
I need no picture to remember anybody
but there are times
like him
leaning against the glass wall
trench coat and all
i wish I could just take it
and capture that one moment
and hold it dear
it was when we were in secret
yet it worked at the same time
but you
standing there
was a cool moment
a time
while waiting for the blood moon to rise
your beauty
it escalated
it proved everything
and was even more glamorous
for the trench coat
is one I will never stop loving
as is many of your other coats
you like me
can pull some stuff off
randomly
but stil
I have nothing
but the faded memory
of that time
to keep to me dear
of the moment
that I turned
and loved you more

48. friends

there are times
I remember that they exist
and then there are times that I don't
I need to call some
I have no recollection
and sometimes I do
it hurts though for you see
they keep me alive
but then again
there is the one I call all the time
for you see
through it all
i want to hang out with you like I did long ago
it was once
when everything turned back to me
that I understood
that once again
above everything
i am more independent here
maybe I am just feeling that way
but unlike school
I could live
doing my job
and not seeing everyone there
but eating alone
it hurts
to not be around a friend
ever again
and as such
I wish i was there
just sitting
waiting for people to see me
as I
like the ghost to my friends
walk by
in their world
once again
i dropped them all off here
and the few left
only remember the old me
so why is it
I yearn so much
to be alone here
but truly alone
just reminds me
of my friends
at home

34. dating dislikes

I have issues
I know I do
there are many
and many more
for you see
it is that each of us
has our own thing
where each of us
seems to understand
so very little
and that very little
is what causes us to understand more
but it is that list that I have
that separates me from others
the no touching policy
goes to pieces
the only physical
not listening
drives me nuts
it is that every small part
bothers me
and that every small thing
is what it is
I am what I choose to be
and that by choosing to be
I seem to wander farther
and farther
into the knowledge
of what I like and not like
ans as such
it seems that every time
i become closer to someone
the more I understand about myself
but their are things
that bother me
about each
and because of it
I feel
that each date I take
it has it's positives
but it is the negatives
i try to correct
so it is in this list
I see what is part of me
and more of me I have come to understand
and with these dislikes
I shape what I want to find elsewhere
for all of time

72. hugs

it is nice
when I see you again
and when it all boils down to it
I want to have your arms around me again
I listen to a song
skullcrusher mountain
just to remember that feeling
for you see
it is that hug
the one from behind
and holding me
that I remember most
when hearing that song
it is amazing
for you see
it is that very much hug
that wants me to have more
and for that more
I wanted you to wrap me up
and hold me dear
for you see
it is everything to me
we both use to hug everyone
but I am slowly dying from that
realizing it is fine
but the implications
are not so great
you on the other hand
have spent more time
leaving the hugs behind
and as such
will probably
never again understand
the warmth
of them
the the love
that they can give
so may I wrap my arms around you
and live to my fullest being
and understand once again
what it is like
to live
in the world around us

55. return of post

wouldn't it be nice
if I had something
anything
and was allowed to understand
that from now on
every moment I take
will get returned
every small gift I give
I seem to receive
not necessarily by them
but someone else
the return of the mail
of kindness
and the stories
oh what would happen
if in the sorrow
we understood
that from this day forward
someone would see
everyone who was longing in their hearts for the other
and if as an agreement
one put themselves in a box
and postmarked themselves
to the other
what a surprise that would be
nothing small
only the human left
raw
purely for love
as for the post that they see
it is amazing
for every once of their existance
is what we want it to be
and to be returned
by the post
is amazing chance
to understand it all
for nothing happens overnight
but two three days
and something may change
from now on
a transport of it all
but it takes time
just like the return
of post

44. sewing needles

if I could sew
the needles to your understanding
to your amusement
I would
but you see
it is something I do not always do
when i do
it is insane
wonderful
but something very very strange
I want to complete it for you
to sew you and I
back into one entity
that is how it is
and that is why
with this thread
i shall grow more and more
without much explanation
I will do what i can
to be drawn to you
with or without the needle
it can be provided
one side
or the other
but one must understand
that I am what I can be with it all
and that every piece of me is different
it is the whole that makes sense
but to understand
one must remember
it is the not at all topic
that is causing me to know
that one day
we will see it all
through and through
and hopefully
still together
if not though
the torn pieces
of the fabric
shall lie
as proof of what was once
our sewing needles
into fabric

52. dreams

it is the dreams
that I remember
it is the love
that I feel
as it seeps into me
what I actually want
what I fear
the closest thing to what I really am
is hidden in their
the imagination does terrible things
creates me weak
do I want it
or is it me?
but then the fear comes into play
the spiders
the ever lasting hauntings
it is the hardest to understand
for never again
can I be the same
they haunt
as much as reality
if not more
for they are reality
that is hidden
behind the layers
of me
of my personality
it is the true me
that is seen
in my dreams

61. hands

i watch
as I shiver
and you tell me
that it seems silly
cause in the end
I saw myself
hurt
worried
and not wanting to do much
cause in the end
I watch my hand
and you watch mine
for it seems silly
cause in the end
I won't take yours
I wish I could
but it is unlike it
it is a unnecessary
comfort
so it won't comfort me at all
i choose to try and stay strong
when I am
but you can see
that it is my hands
that show
my fear

80. precious item

it is something
that I have come to both despise
and enjoy
knowing i will never get the romantic gift
or huge romantic gesture
is something I am not worried about
it is something
that although either of us won't do much
it is something amazing
for you see
it is not the proof that I look for
but that something happened
you do the little things that count
and that is what I look for
the one day
curled up in your room
and the giving of me a stuffed animal
it isn't the wait for the romantic jesture that I am looking for
but the time i can spend with you always
just because I can
and with that very being
I am at a point where I start to understand it all
it is for me
not a romantic gesture
I have no reason behind it
but rather
i have fun
doing something fun
for both myself
and someone else

81. plushies

I can't help but play with them
they are like a drug
the soft fur
as it runs down my fingers
the insides
either soo soft it is fun
or nice on my dry skin
this is all what it is like
and to bury ones head
into the fluff
the gloriousness
as the softness consumes you
the joy of it all
that is why I love them so much
they bring such great joy
and in that joy, they each have
their own personality
their own name
there own place
at my side
a way I hold them
a way I sleep with them
and in doing so
they find
that like them
I love them all

60. personality

I will not ask it
for you see
what i see in you is what I do
I do not want to ask a question
for it's fear on it's answer
it could go badly wrong
and therefore breaking all reason as to what it is
I will not ask the question
for I fear it's answer
and I could not answer it back
that is why it does not matter
and that is why i could not ask
I wish for your touch
but a thousand miles from here
and there
I can not ask such a question
for it scares me
your personality is the one that I want to know
it is you who shows
i can care less about
i do not want to change your look
and in variably I will never want you to
do what you want with your body
for sometime
I will gain
all to be what I want
and I like to believe my word is a word
and not a guideline
and as to it
it is something
we both must be careful of
for I want to pin you down
till i get the answer I am looking for

23. fallen

what is it?
to have fallen
to now want to bottle it all up
then watch
as my tears
wash it all away
my happiness
my sadness
it all flows into nothing
into the fallen depths of the abyss
it is something
that i could not control
it is when I feel no longer empowered
but the happiness
how was it
it was amazing
for it all just was fun
and watching it all
getting to play it all
and getting the satisfaction it had
it was great
getting to see a old friend
getting to watch people attack each other
getting ot hang out with a co-worker and a friend
and even eat dinner
till I was exhausted
but there is that lingering feeling
that since I no longer have a party
now what
and since nothing happened
now what
then after lifting me up
loving the day
worth every moment
it dawned on me
with a simple tone
that instead of plans
there was going to be none
that I was not important
that it mattered not what you were doing
it is a scheduled day
and you figure
do what you want
and ignore me
and have fun doing your work
or doing your work at all
that your silly side project
is worth more than time with me
and expecting for me to be like
every day is fine
I am yours
but you see
I was angry
and rightfully so
that is you
but still
and through this I watched
and I watched
and I waited
as that smile faded
and fell
into sadness
that had been put me on
it is that lift
that is necessary
so that the fall
and the fallen
can be even more brutal
than ever before

29. the return

I am waiting
for the return
for me to return
he is waiting as well
for my return
the return of favors
the return of many things
I really should give back
that is just how I am
and with that
it seems silly
for we each play
to the other hand
giving
without needing the return
but we both love it anyway
that is how it works
and that is why it is important
I want no return for the gifts
but will happily accept a lot of things
i will not give up my hope
nor his
you will understand
but it is exactly as we expect
I am a doll
to be played with
that is what I want
and in return
I do many many other things
and become evil beyond that
giving what ever I want
to you
and being there
sitting by your side
not wanting anything
but one can break the tradition
as always
do not expect me to read you
but I can and will
if I want
for it is my return
that we are waiting for

20. return to innocence

it is odd
how one sees the same things
how all over the world
the ones who have left
who had to fend for them selves
have changed
and yet
as we all come back
we wish the other place greatly
but one can see
it is a return to innocence
a return to a place
that is although the same
not
and maybe it is just our perception
for that is alll it can truely be
but one seems to understand
that it isn't just that
it is one can see
the other haven't changed
maybe they have
maybe they haven't
but one
when having to change so fast
and grow
not that we want to return
not that we don't
we loved our freedom
but at the same time
loved our life
it is why the return
to innocence
can not happen
one sees more globally
and that information can not change
it can not revert back to what it was
it can't do much
it can just sit
as we return
and watch
as the innocence around us
is no longer what we want
we want the freedom
the change
we want to be around the others that have changed
and for that
we watch
as the return to innocence
is not what we all think it is

20. return to innocence (part 2)

it was that night
the night i cried
it is nice
to know
how odd I feel
that someone else did as well
it isn't that in a few months
we are all going to be back
and we can't handle
but it is a fact
that our lives
coming home
are not what we want anymore
it gave me a reason to hide
but also a reason to be spoiled
but then again
never having hte freedom
and I cried
the night I found
that my freedom was lost
that my world
was the torture it will be
for coming home
as nice as it is
has changed alot
and that change
I wish others to experience
but the ones
with innocence
still left
for not having to take that jump
for always being the place the rest return to
are not fun to be around at all
still young
still clueless
and still innocent
so we should just walk on
for that cry
was a necessity
for myself
to accept the change
back to the world
that as sad as it is
is no longer
the home I thought it was
all this long while

93. second guessing

I feel this is jsut a mistake
what if comes by alot
and it hurts
for you see me
jsut the me who believes
nto the me inside who wants to scream out
and say everyone lies
and everyone is lying to me
no one wants to be around me
no one wants to deal with me
and there is always there action
that small bit
that I second guess
why does he say what he does
why does he allow me to do as I wish
and make him do it too
he really shouldn't
if I go overboard
it isn't allowed
it will let me walk all over him
and in general
it is that little second guessing
that will in the end
be the reason I kill all my own relationships
for in my mind
I am not worthy
of anything

92. dinner

how nice it would be
if I could be there
sitting on the other side of the table
to you
how nice it was
on the same side
but on the opposite
it gave me a nice feeling
it was you who I felt I wanted to be there
that one night
when we were having fun
but then again
there was this empty seat
across from me
that looked at me
and taunted your name
into my face
it made me wonder
since I have been flying
how long can I fly
without you by my side
before I fall
it made me wonder
why I chose to do as we had said
as I gave to what I thought was best
even if it means hurting me
and not letting you be there
was it me who was wrong
to not let you go
or was it jsut simply
I know not what is good for me
or what I can live like
it is then I remeber
how you can take care of me
how you could
during that time
deal with my fractured self
and held each piece in your hands
waiting till I chose
to pick myself up
that is what I remember
and it wasn't till later
when it all died down
that one wondered
why was there a feast
at the dinner
if I am to fractured
to stay with you
or is it
that very dinner
the peace
the calming
the simplicity of it all
that we remember everything

38. dances

we dance the dance
as we can
the summer fun
the spring tide
it is all around us
and between
the great plains
it hurts to see
as we dance around
each of us
have our own times
our own peace
it is jsut
that we both spend some time
doing what we can
for it all
I sit and wait
and then you give up
tired
so close to me
but unable to reach
I rreach
the hopeful optomism that I can't have
or so I believe apprently
it hurts to see
for each day
I turn
I see it now
I gave up
I could take it all
and fall to the ground
upable to get up
staring at you
realizing
just staring is all i can do now

38. dances part 2

you see it is then
while you have your fun
that i must tell you
it hurts for everything
is no longer there
we still have the plains around me
and you
with the timing off
for you and I
it isn't till we are together that we can find it all fun
but how can we come to gether
whe n we both dance
with hte great plains appart
it is those dances
that separate lovers
that make one want to sit
and watch
and not fel the pain
of being ripped apart
and told
even if you are trying
trying isn't good enough
for getting together.

79. blunt

you'll need to be blunt with me


I never understood what that would mean
I saw myself blunt
saw that I will take the object
and spear it into someone
with the words I have
I will tell people how I feel when I can
and when it all dies down
I see it all
and it is in that time that I understand
it might be a gift
it might be a curse
but i will tell people what they don't want to hear
but this property
I wish it never gave me what it did
a stalker
one who through his words
through is actions
will scare me
and actually show me what fear is
it is that system
tha I am not afraid to say what I mean
that I run the gambit
that in my blunt object
I will see the full truth too.
but is that what you want
or is it something that through it all
I will see everything
as how it can be
and that I will see
that I am not afraid to show my emotions
and admit to them
but internally
holding that blunt object
is a shard of glass
in my emotions
and my soul
for it hurts me as well
whenever I say anything

45. I want only you

I sit here
wanting only you
to come through the door
to want only you
to hear my words
to want only you
to speak to me
to want only you
to be beside me

it is this time
that I see what I must
that I am slowly wanting
my kisses
back
the contact
that I had
the small bits
that I loved
the conversations
in person
the distractions I could cause
the ones that caused both of us
to keep being open
and in that sense
I am waiting
waiting for you to be the only one
who I can rush into
and watch
as I am embraced
with open arms
and taken
to someplace
where only you and I
can take each other
when we are still wanting
each other