random

it has been forever
since i feel emotion
past that
but now i watch
as one makes mistakes
falls
picks herself up
and I wonder
can she really see
or is she blind
do to herself
or is it that she just wants to finally see
what it is like
listen for me
what is left
when you fall
i hope all goes well
but I suspect it won't be
but then again
maybe that is just me being cynical
seeing that no one
can be like
the love of my life.

Hmm... It's been awhile since I've been on mene. I suspect I won't be on much, but I'll probably pass by every so often. I like the second to the last one. It captures a feeling very well.

In response to your last drabble, I know what I am doing. I am doing so because I do not know. Or perhaps I am simply bored and the opportunity is there. As to how far this goes, well, the fact of the matter is that I am a good follow and he is a good lead. Honestly, he could probably lead me to the ends of the earth, and I would not object. That's just the way we work. ...I'll admit it's probably not the best for a relationship, but oh well.

hm, part of it that worries me is the leading off the end of the earth, I understand what is happening, and for hte most part I am fine with it, but as the protective part of me, I wish it was not with this one. I have no issues what you are doing in that sense, and understand why, but it is the leading off and pulling you with him I'd prefer him not doing with his attitude around the rest of us.

running off the earth

a year ago, I could admit to it
that I was willing
once upon a time
to ditch everything, and leave
just to be with one
these days i realize
that is what happens
that emotion
that drive
is soemthing that can not be stopped
if I do not feel this way, i will wonder
but it isn't until
all is stripped from it all
when reality hits
when everything falls
that I have continued walking
to see the light
that I don't need him to lead
because I can walk beside him
and continue with it all
and he will not follow
but instead
walk beside me
wherever that may lead
with everyone else
understanding
and without me leaving them behind

its been a while

sometimes i wonder why I never type
then I remember
along time ago
I was in love
in the heat of it all
i wrote everything
when my emotions dictated everything
but even without my current
I have learned that I can not do that
that after a bit
reality sets
that after everything is done
I want to live happily
living my life with someone
but not bound to them by my emotion
but the leather and ropes that I can be so fond of
that it isn't my emotions dictating
but my understanding
and emotions
working in harmony
to give me everything

the list

the list is something
I shoudl return to
to the happy feeling
though I must admit
the sacrifice
to no longer need him
is important
to understand the balance
he once felt
the feelings that control me
and that through it all
the streangth of my emotions
had to
and still have to be controlled
but for now
it is fine
for at least now
if you stay by me
i will do nothing stupid
and then everything will be fine
for in the end
I can sit
in peace
remembering it all

Ahhh, the list. Something we all seem to unwittingly deviate from, yet cannot avoid.

In response to your earlier comment, I am trying to distance myself for now to avoid the whole running off the ends of the earth thing. I talked with Evan last night, and he brought up a good point--this summer K will be seeing his ex. If he hasn't figured out his confused self by then, it's a sign for me to break off whatever I'm in because it will definitely just get more and more complicated if we continue. I really don't want that exploding in my face later. It's sure to be much more messy (not that it probably won't be already).

But yeah, I'll be his friend for the summer and try not to drop him off the face of the planet like I tend to do with most of my friends when I don't see them (for that reason, Evan is my accountability partner or gossip buddy xD). Meh, I find if I don't talk to him, I don't think about him as much... Pretty obvious connection, huh? But I didn't really realize it till recently.

hm, recently talked to Evan as well, though I saw Kristina and Marisa on thursday of last week (wow, two days till I've been here a week, scary). I tend to keep vague contact once a year with people or more, try to gossip when there is something, or bug people when bored.

Katie and i can talk a bit, but other than that, it is bother when see online.

what you talk to Evan about (other than gossip)?

Hmm, well, I pretty much responded to you over aim about this, so I'll leave it at that. ...And what do I talk to Evan about that isn't gossip? xD (I mean, I DO talk to him about other things, but if I'm gossiping, I'm pretty much gossiping.)

Time does seem to be passing in a strange fashion...

time does seem to pass in strange fashion
for I sit here
it hasn't been a week
since I can back
and yet I feel like normal
I feel like life has returned
but when I look back
I wasn't ready
and i won't be ready
not till it happens
and when it does
I will try
to be everything
that I can be.

random

dragonsare a curious thing
my love
my friend
the only thing
that stays by my side
eventually that gave me a nick name
though it does work more as an alias.
but I do love them so
I must have a few around
so that when everything turns around
they are sitting by me
reminding me
that in the end
I am strong
and can be there alone

62. The ultimate

it is amazing
that you can do so little
but with that thought
you have given me an ultimate
a amazing romance feeling
that keeps me going
that reminds me that I love you
that by my side you mean everything
that the little bit of a poem means everything
that you do everything in a purpose
and i do lots of small things
but never big
but that big one
is the ultimate feeling
and love
that makes me remember
the ultimate feeling I have for you

15. Allow me to love all things covered in lies.

you want the lie at this point
the love
that you wish everything else wasn't true
so you lie to self
you pretend not to hear
we all do it
but it is frustrating
as you ignore my words
till they bite you later
but then again
lies makes me happy
able to ignore all my issues
that it is a problem
that everyone is happy
that the world can be saved
that is a possible lie
but it is one
that for the fun
will keep me there.
So keep all things I want to love
covered in some lies
to make me happy.

32. Let’s dance

let's dance
till I grow tired
till I see you in the light
I never did
let's dance
till you get the swing
till you aren't mimicking
but indeed having fun
let's dance
till it burns my heart out
till everything is at light
but in the end
let's dance
till the night forever
bows itself to us

7. Because I’ve got nothing better

I want to contact you
to tell you stories
to tell you everything
it is important
that sometime I don't want to tlak
sometime i o
but that little bit of difference is all it takes
to understand
that in the end
I am doing this
because I want to be with you
and yet when I have nothing better to do
I want to contact you more.

forgetfulness is hard
I try sometimes
and sometime I forget
but I really wanted to be correct
I jsut reread everything
and then freaked
like I can
why must i call
why must I be the one
why must it always me me
but in the end
all I wanted was the peace
and the fun that the internet can provide
i mean to not feel clingy
but that is what is happening
and will
in the end.

the poems

I love him so
the amazingness
the romance
at times not creative
at times is
but understands
when he could pull me off
and could pull the anger out
with a mere apology
and with that we have learned
what is required
to become useful
that we may sit together
in the end

longing for you

I wish i could stay
and return to you
i wish that at the end o a day
I could come back
to you
not to your home
not to your talk
but hom to where you let me belong
I am not quite at love
I know that
but I like being here
by your side
either in person
or one thousand miles away
but when I se you
I remember
that I am there
sometimes
that you liek me there
if I obey
and that if i stay quite
and let you do your own thing
you'll let me walk by you
and follow, and go off on my own
and be led home
back to you

one week

in one week
I want to do it all
to make a monkey pony
to show you crowds
to eat together
to laugh
to be unable to move
due to you
to see your family
and let you meet my friends
the few left
to see movies
and spend as if we are together
once again
watching the fireworks
staying by you
curling up
in your lap
when nothing else matter
painting with you
and holding your dead body
with no energy
to move
and yet
curl up inside that opening
and fall asleep
in your arms
ut can we do everything
it that time
or are we forced
to let some of it go
for we both know
it is me that can drive
the existence of a finished
product
one week
to do it all
can we finish it all
or leave some left
for later return

the roller coaster

why do you drag me left right
up down
and keep trying to go faster
on time
and then stop on your own
it is jsut me
or are you being annoying
and bothersome
and not bothering with the understanding
and let's just say
move on
and continue
and stop dragging me
so I can be everywhere
and have fun again

murder

I don't blame you
for wanting to kill
you won't actually
but yes
he does deserve something
maybe something violent
maybe not
but it is something
i know you all just talk to.
remember in the end
none of them I like
none of them I should like
or you
or at all
but in the end
murder is interesting
to disappear
and get over with
but in the end
we all
didn't really like him

love

love is the word
you have told me is something you don't feel
it is something I think I feel
i rarely say
for in the end
the simple word
must be said
and meant
I would prefer
your complicated way
the part of it
that you like me being around me
that i am fun to be around
and it is that simple
that all of this
is interestng
and different
but is not summed up in one word
but in feels we do not do well with
but in the end
that is fine
as long as I can stay by your side
loyal
and able to get
the attention
that I can I have
it matters not the words
but the feelings

99. Unwritten letters

the letter
I can not write
the letter I cannot send
the one that says
I love you
the one that says I want to be by your side the entire time
the letter
that binds me
that is my love for you
the happy romance
I can not write it.
So why do I try
to write a letter
it is important
but in the end
this snail mail letter
it is important
to send
none the less
the letter of feeling
and the letter
of my emotions

87. Doesn’t feel like it.

I don't feel like it
i don't feel like playing right now
my emotions say I am annoyed
similar ot last time
it is important
but it is annoying
cause you always seem more important
always seem better
like me hitting you with dragons
it is something urking
but in the end
i jsut don't feel like doing this
this thing of fun
that it is not
in the end
I just
don't feel
up to anything
but the sleep
that day.

random

it has been a while
I sit
watching you play
i want to contact you
but you are playing
i want to see how you are doing
but i am afraid to ask
I will wait a day
till you are done being with your sister
I want to know how everything is going
but I am afraid
you will scare me away
being annoyed
with me.