lonely

why must I feel lonely
why must i feel like I want you here
like I want to hear your voice
and your words
but if I kep you there
an image of you
it won't work at all the same
so I am waiting
patiently as I can
for that image
is an ideal of you
and I love you
for not being that ideal.

70. Where the heart is

my heart
is in chicago
left on a open table
told to be stronger
told to become more
yet I wait
till I start to yearn
beyond my ability
i want to talk to you
as you hold a piece of the hear
and every single section of it
please hold it
and don't tear it apart
you are important in every way
and the part of it that i hold
you are not able to have
for till you commit the end
I will rather hold it
for if you shred everything
soemthing will be left
for me as well.

79. Miss you

I do miss you
with every breathe
I think about you
when I have some time alone
I wish you were by my side
I wish I could hold you
make you smile
remember everything
your purpose
your fun
but then again
I want you beside me
petting my head
reminding me I have fun
that humor exists
that everything can be important
and that is the fun time
that we must share.

to the person

you know i am not patient
so how does one work on it
try over and over and over again till I snap?
till I get annoying to you?
it is fine to some extent
but I want you back
yes we need to work on this
like every other part
like the scruffy thing sometimes
that can be amazing
or the end of the world
but we all have to
to give me what I want at times
and learn not to
is also part of it
to have us make up
and do some stuff
seems off
always has
but it never hurts
cause if my mood is really changed
then we can both tell
so thank you for molding me
and gaining patience
but be by my side
while you do so as well.

the night

I am apprently not worth your time
not worth being around
or even keeping your word
you'd say you'd call
yet you never did
you don't even tell me how things are going
or why you do what you do
instead the pain
as you go back on it all
as I sit crying
waiting
patience dried up
is nothing but pain
pain to me
and makes me wonder
why I bother
and why I let you do this
over and over
pushing me to my limit
and beyond
as if I don't matter
at all to you

random

why do I play with you
why do you give me what I want
though is it just right now you do
cause I am new?
why can you give me
what a mulie was suppose to be
why can you give me that strength
that listening
be fine holding me
and letting me be there
stupid temptation you are
standing
both avalible and not
I want you around
and important to me
but i will never have you
for in the end
you are not what I want
you could have been
years ago
before the kid
but with her I can't
and with the age
there is nothing I can give
but the fun
and cute
pet feeling
possible

maybe it is that you can be there
and know where I am
maybe the person at home
has come to love you
and the person here does not love him
maybe it is everything
maybe it is that in the end
I am tired of fighting
and want to remember what the love is like
maybe I jsut crave the attention
the wanting
and have found it
maybe I remember why I liked you
why you werre interesting
that you can be interesting
and that i know
that you would like me too
but that we both know
I will move
and be someone different
and not be by your side anymore
or maybe it is because
you can be the emotional person
who understands
when I curl up and cry
from the loss in my life
that burns me to pieces
that maybe
you can still help me up
and take all the enery away
that is gone

you make me feel important
and don't drive me crazy
but maybe that is me
that maybe you can try
and that this in the end
will be not much
and that it won't matter
but I want you badly
I want to be your girlfriend
but I know better
I know the important self
the one who does not stand
or have to deal with mom
but you are the one
who can take it away
and I can see yours
but it is important
that we all delve
deep
to remember what learning
is like again

love where are you
how'd I lose you
in all this mess
did I jsut get tired of losing
of feeling unimportant
of feeling liek i was getting picked on
and started to break
and gave you what you wanted
and tried again
i want to be with you
sitting
being witht you
bending to your touch
but I feel like I have lost
the reason to be with you
since i am no longerr appreciated as a person
but rather cause I exisit
we can be there
I want you
but yet no longer do
I must stay with you
to remember that in the end
you are amazing
and a good thing
but till then
I will curl into a corner
and wonder where I could be
for talking about stuff
and remembering our past
is interesting
but you no longer want to discover
for we know which way we will just
till the end of time
and being taken
by someone like you
reminds me
that in the end
you are important
but need to take me back into your arms
and want to take me home
but is it that you are no longer interested
at all? or is it me
for I push to much
to be therre with you
and you push back
wanting more and more time alone
than I can give you
as the ever nearing winter
drives me crazy
to the point of breaking
what I need you to break out of me

stop bugging me

I have my own plan
it involves doing what you want me to
so stop pushing me
making absolutes on me
i want to clean
and do what I want
on my week off
can you keep it at bay
for I will do things in the end
so stop pushing me
into a corner
and then yell at me when I am there
give me a chance to go through
and do my own thing
and maybe then
you'll understand
i am an adult
and that I will be
from now on and let me grow
on my own.

curled up
wishing to hold someones hand and cry
sit there
remembering it all
and not have anyone scorn her for it
she wants to just sit
and remember
how hard it can be
how like can cause tears
that are not shed
but in the end
she is raw
wishing emotions to be full
and acting as she may
but do nothing
let her sort it all out
till she calls for help
she just wants someone's hand held.

may I be a part of your world

I want to see it again
the world outside my own
a different one
that can be explored
one that means alot
but yet very little
I want to remember
what it is like
exploring you
exploring who you are
with no intent or back-stab
I want to see you again
in the light i use to
curling up
by your side
holding you
and not letting go
for in the end
I still love you
more than my hate
will let me see

it's been a while

you have never before expressed how you thought it was stated
yet when you finally do
it contridicts everything I have leared to achieve
nothing but back to where I think about you
and not about us or me
but hwen I do that
you get grumpy
et you want me to appreciate you for you
and then come back
later
reminding me my competition is a ghost
of far off memories
reminding me what you asked for
you can not give back
not now
and I knew earlier
not then
why ask me of this
when i try to give it
yet then you remind me what I want
and what you ask
not only can you not give
but you've burried inside
so I can never find it
but see glimpses of it
because it belongs to someone else

I'm sorry

to those who I have hurt
to the extra burden i have given them
for the adavantage unknowningly i gave
for my existance and worry
for the time it has caused
for the years of my life to cahnge
that went back in one instance
to the sorrow that has left
and for the blade that has gutted both you and i
maybe one day you'll understand
what has happened that day
maybe one day you'll see
the pain that caused
the remorse and the backtracking
as you shoved the blade deep through me and as the effect ripples
it reminded me of what i was doing once to survive
and have to do again
to let you live
goodbye

the letter

I called you
though you didn't answer
but ihave this feeling
possibly scared I am not quite sure
for you hurt me
much more than you realized
much deeper htan you had planned
and though i know the actions to prevent the pain
you may know, and may not
it isn't i don't trust you
but I do no feel liek I should
not to someone who I feel like jsut beat me
after giving me a hands up of helping
after i asked
that pain ripples deep within me
and i am scared
sacared to reach out to you again
for that pain was too much
it wasn't the words
but the timing
and the delivery
it isn't the short term pain
but the long ripple
as you imbeded an image into me
the rest I hade known
the rest of the message i was slowly walking away from
and was feeling fine
but it is still there
the trust that seems slowl breaking
with each passing day that you refuse to talk
and maybe it is you are waiting for me
and maybe it is me waiting for you
but i wish again to speak to you
so I don't fear talking to you
on a long term
i know it is alot to ask
and everything I ask seems to be alot ,though it has not changed me asking
but remember
never ever
do that again
and make the ripple burn into me
for it is what I have needed healing from
and it is why I am and was in the shape I am now
maybe one day you'll see all the way through me
or at least understand the emotions and what they are
but till then
remind me once more what it is like
to know that you don't mean what has happened
and pull the sword out for the words it has caused
and iron out the ripples in my mind
and remind me that nothing was meant to hurt me
and I'll understand

it's been a while
since i can see
the change that seems to be
I never understand
what will happen
what use ot happen
what does happen
my life has been altered
or so I said
people tell me it has been a drastic change
that my life is better
that working through it all is good
sometimes I see it
sometimes I don't
but ultimatly
does it matter?
I jsut want to control
what little part of my world there is
again

finished

It took forever
it is not my fault
the teacher
and the shop
that it took forever and then it loomed
forever
sitting there
reminding me that I needed to get it done
but it didn't help
because no matter how much I tried
it was something that if
I didn't want to do it
I couldn't
it would just frustrate me

but finally
a few days before it was due
I finished it all
the large piece
that everyone was looking at
but hopefully it will wok
and be amazing
in the end

the change


I am glad we worked through it
because no matter how scarred I was from you
I still wanted to be around you
I hated the silent treatment
the fact i was scared of myself
you represent alot to me
and sadly I fell for you
maybe
but i do want to curl around you
to be who I was
and who i can e
but it is hard
cause I hurt you
possibly as badly as you had unitentionally torn into my skin
and ripped the scar into me
but now is better
we are going ot try again
I will to fast
if I am not careful
but soon
hopefully
we can take the friendship slowly
so I can trust what you are
and you can trust me again
for I want to be around you
at least a little bit
I liked it
and i miss it
but now
at least i am not scared to dream again
about you
about what can happen
and that help
and alleviates a lot
of the pain and the last two months
that have slowly buried into my life

people and their roles

I wish everything was simple
that the person who I liked
that i wanted to know better
could understand and read me more
that we didn't have a huge rift in the beginning
that everything was fine
I wish that the guy who I want to just play games with
could stay only that
that i didn't need to worry what image I was giving off
that I couldn't consider what is happening a date
I don't want to
don't believe it
I am not interested
and he's not someone worth every once of my time
yet I am lonely
and will take what little I can get right now
I wish I could reverse it
so that the fun times were with one
and the awkward was with the other
right now I am pretending
that everything is perfect
but it's not
but it's not that bad
a nice relief from life
and i wish he would go away
at times
and only come when i need him
he bothers me too much
worries about me
to the point of where it can be creepy
I just want to move on
walk past
have a time of happy blitz
where I feel i could fly again
but that is a long way away
for right now
i have to figure out to return the situations from what they were
to what i want them to be.

----------

you have no sparkle

you use to laugh
you use to have life in you
you use to smile
but I can see
something is shredding inside you
something still hurts
you are dragging through your day
I wonder what it is
what has been hurting you so much
but you pushed me away
made me no longer understand
and talk
but i see you
looking
spacing
being confused
but it is weird
to see it
to be able to see you one more
and look
and see the hurt in your world
that you will no longer see anymore
or tell me ever again
what is going on with you

----------

15. Allow me to love all things covered in lies.

I wish I can
I am at least attracted to you
but my image of you
is covered in lies
and i know it
but I love it
it is perfect
and it fun
you remind me of what i want
maybe it would get better
maybe your life will mold into what I want
I forgot about all hte pain that was caused
that went bad
because we couldn't talk about it
but we'l lsee
it'll be interesting
I want to lie
I want to forget it all
and lovey ou anyways
and sit by your side
on your lap
and let you tell me what you know
and let me curl around you
and let me listen
and learn everything
but we'll see
for I love
the thing
and you
covered in lies
to become what i want.

SO now what?

I wish to change the world, to add it all up,
but you know
it's the formal
and the informal
if it's formal
be it everything dressed
gleamed fun for the sake of the formality
not fun for anything else
but now you take it
rip that ream to shreads
and now you'll see
that you took it all away
you cna't take a formal and make the spirit informal
it doenst work liek that
it can't
so i will back out
and let you all live...

sullen

I am sullen
for something i cared about
disappeared
was given to someone who doesn't want it
who doesn't care
so here I sit grumpy
and it isn't a personal thing
I jsut wis
others had seen
how much I had wanted it
how little she cares
it isn't a let's give her a good position in hopes that she'll get more active
she doesn't want to be more active
she wants to be distant
and she doesn't consider it a high priority of aything
to her the work is more important
her social new group is what matters
it has nothing to do with us
but why
for it made no sense
to take away what I cared about
and turned it into nothing
so here that passive aggressive part of me
wants her to fail
wants her to quit
for I want what I are for back
and she does not deserve it
and hope she continues to have her hard time in the spring
rather than anything else
but we'll see
but all I can do
is hope she'll let it all go
and let go of being exec

Summer

I do not understand
what to do
it is boring
a nice boring at times
but it is a weird boredom
I want to find more to do
I want more time to understand
more time with friends
but everyone wants a actual time off
so I get bored
so what is the point of summer
I want a break
but not a summer break

politics

you keep me up at night
you mess with everything
to have someone find out
exactly how much they have it out for me
at first I thought it was paranoia
the saw glimpses of where it couldn't be
it tears me up inside
to hear that people dislike me
when I do nothing
when my voice is told i am the only one
so it doesn't matter
and to be the only one left
and still be pressured out
i am annoyed they voted me out
that they are doing stuff just to hurt me
it's not healthy for me
so why am i in it
cause I cared about what it was
what it should be
and somewhere in my mind
I'm an idealist
so here I am
awake and stressed
after having a very nice break from the world
i sit doing nothing
tired of them
tired of campus
for nothing but drama and spite and hate comes from them
and yet here I am,
taking it all
and wishing it was gone

You should have never done that
you are a child
and I finally fought
and you lost
yet here you are
being a spoiled brat
throwing a tantrum
how old are you
cause you sure you have a full ride scholarship
cause you don't act your age
cause here you are
angry about something that was a group decision
you took it personally
I knew you would
yet to not set aside your feelings and do your job
to not realize that you are doing the wrong behavior
you lost
and you are now just making it worse for yourself
I laugh
at the ridiculousness of the situation
you want to flaunt all you have in front of me
but at the end of the day
no matter how jealous you are of me
and me of you
you act like a child
and get mad
and say things you shouldn't
and expect for your behavior to just be whimmed away
yet you are going to stand now
dealing with the consequences for a while
you are stupid
yet if you are going to fight and fall
digging a hole for yourself afterward
is just stupid
so I laugh
cause i can do nothing else
but think
that you should have learned
if I care
if I truly care
they will be there when i need them to be
and that is all that matters
that when I need the support
to get a dream
that others share
we will get it
and nothing you can do
will stop that force
cause we united
will beat any amount of your petty attacks
together as one
we stand, dreaming and believing in a better future

hope?

you plague my sleep
you remind me of the things I am unhappy with
they haunt my dreams
sitting waiting
arguing
is this really what I care about
the conflict that exists
between "friends"
does it matter I get my way
yes
does it matter that I want less mentally
yes
but then why do I not back away
why do I not say I'm done
and suffer this torture
these nightmares
living and sleeping
for something I don't get long term value for
hope?