Rhumbullion's Profile

Dear Paul,

I love the way you laugh, and smile, and the way you scoot around your house when you're in a hurry. My world comes to a grinding halt when you look at me the way that you do, and each kiss takes my breath away. You make my head foggy and my knees weak. Falling asleep next to you is a bliss that is indescribable.

I want to hold you and tell you that no matter what, I will never leave you. I will never let you suffer this world alone, and if you wanted me by your side for the rest of your life, all you need to do is ask me.

If only you knew how much I am in love with you. If only I had the courage to tell you. If only I did not think that things would end, and badly, if I told you.

Maybe some day the time will be right. Maybe someday I will not think that matters of love do not end in my favor. Maybe someday I will have the courage to tell you. That day is not now. Though I have a sneaking suspicion that you know, I will never know for sure...

Love,
Me

I cannot believe that it has been 7 months already since I have been seeing this man Paul! I met him in mid to late January of 2010, and we went on our first date on February 19th. He took me to see [URL="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0775489/"]The Illusionist[/URL] over at [URL="http://laurelhursttheater.com/"]The Laurelhurst[/URL], and when I first saw him, I didn't know what to think. A slightly effeminate, tiny, good looking man. I never thought then that he would want to see me naked, let alone see me again. But after the movie, things went surprisingly well. We had loads to talk about, and I discovered then that we have a lot in common. We continued talking the next day, and even now when he and I text or IM each other, I still can't get enough.

My main concern was and will be his boyfriend. Don't think that I am cheating on anyone here; it's an open relationship. To some extent, I am still not entirely comfortable with this dynamic. I think his boyfriend is funny, and sweet, and it is really odd to see that Paul and I have the same taste in men. But I still feel slightly awkward around Alex, like I am breaking some kind of rule when we are in the same room together. Add to that the fact that someone once said that "as long as he is living with his boyfriend, you will always come second." I have never been able to get that out of my head, even though when Paul and I are together it totally doesn't feel that way.

I guess I am just slightly confused. I usually invest all of myself into something like this. I am the kind of girl that gets into things for the long-haul, and usually rushes into things. But this is so different. Paul and I didn't even kiss until our fourth date, and we didn't have sex together until we had been together for 3 months.

I don't know how to handle something this great. He actually treats me like a human being; not like a piece of meat or a trophy. He doesn't try to do stupid things to impress me, and when we are together, it isn't all about sex.

I really like Paul, enough to be with him for a very long time. I know he has deep-ish feelings for me, and I know he prefers sex with girls but I am still afraid to let on [I]just[/I] how much I like him. If he rejects that idea, things wouldn't be the same. There might be that awkward air between us, because there my feelings are, but it isn't entirely reciprocated.

I think I just need to keep my standards low here, like I have been. I don't expect him to ever be anything more than himself and that is what I should continue doing. Historically, things never work out when I rush into them and something is telling me that as much as I like him, I am not entirely ready to admit just how deep those feelings are.

What I do know is that I am happy right now, and things have not been this good for some time. I want this thing I have with Paul, this very good thing, to continue and to continue on this positive trend.

Yes.

The weather is finally starting to cool off, and I am becoming inspired to write, dance, and make more music.

The wind rustling the dry leaves, the cats snuggling on the bed together and purring, the feel of warm apple cider going through me. It has been a good morning for me.

It's nice to be back, Mene.

I got 42/45 on my Intro to Uni Studies today. I still have to take my Health final but, I will get to that in a bit.

Got a FB message from my ex today. I don't know how to feel about that.

Used the application "Cap'n Mal's Wisdom" and got an interesting quote. "We'll get through it soon enough." I found it odd how fitting that quote is in terms of what I am doing today and where I am, and how I feel about my life right now.

The staff was gathered around at lunch and our Program Director told us that his last day will be on Aug 20th, the last day of summer programming. It was a decision that was made by our ever increasingly faulty executive board. Wondering why I think they are made of fail?

-When Maura left PAL, the thought was that her salary would go back into the organization to support the staff. She thought that the Board would give the Exec. Director position to Beth. Instead of making Beth the Exec Director, the Board has started a NATIONAL search for a new Director. If you don't know, a search like that can cost anywhere between 5-12k depending on who the agencies find for you.

-Instead of taking the paddle money from our Auction to service the building, they are putting it into the search for some strange Exec. Director.

-Taking a more "hands-off" approach, they do not assist the Center Staff in any way. If there is a program that we want to start, we are allowed to start it but, we are expected to raise any needed funds for it ourselves. What are they doing with all of the (little amount) of program money we have?

-Continuing to take a more "hands-off" approach, they do not make themselves known at the Center. I have only ever met ONE of them and one of the member's wives. She takes more interest in the organization than he, the board member, does.

-They laid off Mike and, if Britt does not take the position, they will probably lay her off, too and find someone that will fill both Mike and Britt's position all in one person.

I do not like the way things are happening and the Board certainly does not give two shits as to what we, the workers think. Do they EXPECT US, the part time workers that they don't want to meet, to train some new person in the daily activities and functions of the Center that they hire to be the Exec Director when there is one sitting in the wings right now, ready to go?

How do they think we are going to react if they lay off Britt? They are going to lose ALL OF THEIR STAFF and the Center will be run into the ground when a new staff comes in because there will not be enough people that know WTF they are doing to train people. So they will make a new system, probably raise the prices, kick out all of the at risk youth that we have always catered to and who knows wtf else.

They fucked Mike over. I realize that it is for the good of the whole. Because he is gone, we all get to keep our jobs. But, do we really? We were told our jobs are safe and yet now, it doesn't seem like any of us are.

The Board doesn't care about the kids. They care about boosting their resumes and trying to skim some green after the fact.

As long as Britt is there, I will stand steadfast and true. I am still not happy right now and I know that the Board does not give a crap what direction they are taking the organization.