Cheya's Profile

Today I go in at 4:30 pm - 10:00 pm, so I have enough time to clean here and there--maybe (as in very likely) trash old stuff.

I think it's upsetting that I have to answer to three-four people in my departments (because HBA is composed of three departments). If one dept. manager tells me one thing about something, another tells me another thing entirely about that thing--it's maddening. Asinine even. I feel like I'm being torn apart in so many ways. Worst of all I haven't learned about the Telzon device so I'm limited. So far I haven't been coached... three coachings and you're fired. [headdesk]

Also, I want to schedule an eye exam with JC Penny but... the closest eye center they have is at the Christiana Mall in Newark. It's so far away. -__-;

I've decided that TODAY (on my birthday) I would straighten out my life and computer. A bit of spring cleaning of sorts I guess.

So far I have thrown away a lot of items. Well, not a whole lot, but one trash bag is good enough to start hacking away at hoarder urges. I don't want to become like my father. His solution to life is shopping, more stuff and filling up new houses when the old one gets full.

My computer is back in order thanks to a factory reset, a few online file hosting services, Google's user data retention and Ninite's download it all service. I hope to keep my files in order and not be so willy-nilly about where I stowe things.

I'm also busy downloading all my Steam games. I don't have many since I rarely buy stuff, but the ones I do buy are the ones I actually do play. Like Counter-Strike Source and Smash Cars.

Um and... Seamus passed away last summer. She was suddenly hit with Saddle Thrombus. She died in my arms. After I laid her to rest, there was a double rainbow in the sky that signified to us that she had crossed over to the other side. I myself have finally put her passing away though it hasn't toughened me up... loss still aches painfully.

But all this mental, physical and digital spring cleaning is good--it's a step toward getting better at accepting things I can't change and changing the ones that I can.

So I run a Minecraft server with my sister and one of my crew keeps putting up a sign over a hole in his house that says "Hooker Dump".

I've explained to him before that I don't appreciate that and why I don't appreciate that. I've told him time after time that sex workers are human beings and that two fictional or not, I'd rather not have my server promote the idea that the lives and remains of sex workers are nothing more than trash.

It's posted that our group does not tolerate such things like that and it hits close to home for me since I sort of do sex work (porn really).

The thing is, he's 14 and autistic (he keeps reminding me of this--as if I could not tell). But I believe he can take into account that disability is not an excuse of douchebaggery. I know he understands why it's god awful and why I don't want it, but I guess he's compelled to do it over and over again.

I had a long disturbing journey since the beginning of 2012 up until now.

I just want to say that I'm having trouble trusting men. Once you deal with the narcissistic predation, the lies and cheating, the manipulation and humiliation... you'll never want to try to love or trust again.

The pain was so bad that I can barely feel any sexual/romantic attraction toward men. Granted I'm bisexual (leaning toward women), but I still felt an attraction to men. Now I don't feel much of anything for them.

Its not as if I don't try to feel... there is a guy in my life who is a "fur brother" and "fox kin" to me. Before that he was a brother, father, teacher... and I feel a little bit for him, but the past reminds me that I have to be careful. It tells me not give up so much of my heart that end up where I was last time. I don't want to get tangled up with another guy just to get hurt again. So I keep my distance.

I know that is selfish, but I don't want to be in that hell filled with negative thoughts, heart pain and self-harm. It took me so long to crawl out of it... I don't want to fell back in again.

It's not shallow or conceited to want to turn your dark dank prison into a beautiful modern day palace...

I mean, what were you doing before she announced she didn't like her face? Or he wanted to stop losing hair?

Did you even notice that distant look on their faces sometimes? How dark and listless they've become?

Did you stop and notice how others treat them before you went to tell them off--or matter-of-factly tell them all those feelgood bullshit statements.

I asked my sister if she thought I was shallow.

She said yes.

I laughed on the inside--nervously. I am shallow--toward myself. I want to be pretty, but I've come to pretend to accept myself. I pretend to love myself so people won't tear me down about how I really feel and the difficulties I have.

She doesn't understand the depths of loneliness, disregard and other stuff I feel. Sometimes it gets so bad that I end up crying and locking myself away in my room.

It's like a princess in a tower, except I'm a monster locked away in a tower. For the good of everyone else.

It's impolite to have emotion, to have desires and needs, to talk about one's problems...

Please do me a favor... if someone's talking about getting plastic surgery, don't judge them. Don't sneer or tell them they won't be happy. Don't call them shallow.

This goes 20x if you were one of those oblivious to cries for help.

Yes it's true there's bigger fish to fry and this is all so selfish, but it's therapy in a way.

Let them just have that fantasy.

Let them dream.

It doesn't affect you anyway.