Aiyanna's Poem Corner Flaming Allowed
Okay I havent been writing for a long time so ima give it a try. I've only been writing for 3 years. Here it goes: Will it away: I cry I smile Even for a little while I swing that white flag above Will away the inevitable The truth I will go down with this ship With you In the crystal seas we call home The waves sway Back & forth Our lives ahead Go down with this ship Put our hands on the front statue of life love and liberty When I stand I'll let it pass Let it fade Know I've moved on I'll go down in this dwelling sea With OUR ship We will surrender Go down We go deeper Together in our life Our life swirling around us The deep sea Deeper and deeper we plunge Gomen my love gomen [Gomen-Sorry] Kimichi: This little girl, The one in front of my house Twirling in the winds While leaves fall silently from trees This gentle creature... I watch and listen This girl with the blue cotton-bell dress With the small corset and bow in the back She sings her melodic tune To bad shes dead And her name is Kimichi She haunts the forest One day two twins wandered in the forest They went missing Three days later their bodies were found Kimichi was seen later that day Blood on the corset Singing her sweet melody Friends: The love is gone The love faded With our song It played for a time But we all know a song will get old We can be friends Its just not there Right there To the left The love is gone As I try to find a way to tell you I ask my mom What to do, What do I do? Later that day I cry and sob and I can't control myself You stand there Near the bench where we used to look at the clear blue ocean Together No worries we can be friends Right? Even though my heart now cries out for you... Blood, Amber: Amber droplets? They fall from the knife As I look into the distance I see all the peoples bodies Yes I have killed them I run An eerie shadow A blur You can never find me I count to three Yi er San Then your dead Body crumpled on the floor Blood dripping out I lick my blade As I prepare to kill again Amber droplets Form And drip :yumeh2: Girl: This little girl is so shy Her little cat hat She hides in a box I try to tell her shes so cute I purpose to tell her a secret She refuses Her cute little cheeks and strawberry,cream skin So fair and beautiful She hates how she refused So she began to cry I try to say her name But she runs and hides Her hat drops I look for her Tell her I love her from head to toe Her name ... I do not know I found her and told her the secret 'I love you' Her cheeks flushed with a brilliant red to take its place on her cheeks 'I love you to' Like magnets: We draw together If our love is a sin so be it We will share this dance This dispicable dance Your gentle touch warms me in the morning While tears fall from my eyes You tell me your truth Three words Threes truths No lies You cannot lie You whisper the sweet taboo in my ears Our love As we share our gentle touches Share a love never known before I love the way you dance with me Eternity The morning light floods the pond with a sweet glow You touch my face with a gentle touch You kiss me As we share this sinful dance Our love A sin A dispicable sin We will share this dance forever As we will always be together Well uh I guess this well is a form of poems and lyrics hehheh You: Can you kiss me again? Can you kiss my lips again? Your love can make make me camotose Baby kiss me again I'll give you a chance Live me Melt me Follow me I'm sorry Please love me Miss me My love goes to you Can you kiss me again? I love your sweet kiss yeah yeah Kiss me again Baby kiss me again My mama won't know She won't find out Your love makes me camotose I know that I love you I want to keep you forever Love me again! Lay here with me Tell me You love me I'm sorry I just can't keep this away from you So kiss me again Give me a chance One more chance Yeah yeah Kiss me again Love me again Sorry again I'm sorry I love you So Will you Kiss me again? Melt me again Kiss me Kiss me Kiss me Love me Love me Love me Love me So give me a chance |
Far away: Inside this hell This fire This death That is all around me How do I cleanse these souls These bloody souls Of hate Lust and revenge Will the light shine down on thee? Or will I have to bring the light? Questions... That can never be answered I'm far away From freedom Heavenly fruit: The sweet taste Of the scarlet treat To touch my tongue The sweet juices Drain down my throat And the taste is so heavenly Red: The color of blood The color of love What is it really? Can it be the color of the Things & feelings that bring pain Or can it be the color of What feels so heavenly but can hurt like hell The truth may be unknown to some But to me Red That retched color Only brings my pain and suffering Do we: Do we all know What we think is true To be true But what I know is true Is the love I know I have from you Is god, The being of heaven Is he real? Is he true? Is Life The life of another? Is it important? Do we believe in whats not real? Last days: What would happen if we die tommorrow? Will we leave all the loved ones, Without saying goodbye? Or will we leave the haters that we wanted to get back, Without getting back out them? Or will we leave the secret admirer Who was about to say 'i love you' We never know So live life to the fullest extent Get back at those people And love, live, and sing Eventhough you might not be able to ^^ |
Why do you center your work! Center the title and your introduction by all means but poetry should be put in plain left hand sided paragraphs.
Other than that there not to bad. Typical coming of age stuff from a girl with a brain in her head! (Please pardon my bluntness) :XD |
lol no problem ^^. I like centering my work for some reason ^^.
:feesh: Fish & the Kat: The fish swimming freely In the globe he calls home The cat come from behind Creeping closer to the globe with the sunken castle The fish swims faster and goes into the castle The cat paws at the globe But falls off the table After the brave fish slapped the cat with an unknown Paddle The end to the question of whos the preditor and whos the prey xDDD ---------- Angelic skin: So fair and creamy I could just taste it on my tongue The sweet looking skin The skin of an angel With a light little halo Above her head She sways so softly In the clouds Spinning Round and round Going to the promised land Coming from the hell on earth Into gods arms The gold gates Her angelic skin So creamy and light Glowing with aspiration As she finishes her flight To her destination She pulls back her amber hair and flashes her blue eyes To the wonderful world around her I welcome this angel With her angelic skin For now we are together again Mime: Copy my movements As we dance together Like mimes in street We dance in the park Like a cat you follow my movements My sweet lover Like mimes we dance Together Till the end Sea Green: The seaweed Sways Like a haven for fish Its hell for fisherman The beautiful sea green Flows together as one In the spectacular land Of the unknown The blue casts a shadow as the green That soft tinted green takes over Hinting of the new and improved ocean of waves |
Anything? Any comments? -bows-
1,2,3: (okay a poem I wrote when I was 8 okay, nothing special) 1,2,3 I love me 4,5,6 I like to write about things that make people go fiddle sticks (don't ask xD from sponge bob I think) 7,8,9 write till I die 10,11,12 Oh theres the school bell 13,14,15 I wish I was 16 So I could have a boyfriend. Who treats me right, We would never fight And sleep at night together Then me and my prince would be together forever lol comment |
Am I any good???? x( Im not getting any response from people. -dies from suspense- xD)
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Okay TT.TT. Anyone???
Ghost: To the halls we've searched To the windows reflection we see Is it our minds that play tricks on us Or is it really the dead Do we just imagine the silhouette In the windows reflection Or the apparitions in the doorway when we lay in bed terrified of what we see Do we like to scare ourselves Or is it really true Are the evil Are the good Or are they... Just there? |
The Lit Forum is pretty inactive. A lot of people post their own work, but they dont go around much looking at other peeps stuff. You have good poems :)
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I'm just a bit overwhelmed; I don't usually comment when there's so many poems to look at!
I was about to say "sorry...but these are all pretty awful..." Then I saw you were 13. Now they're nearly decent! Please don't think I'm cruel, I'm highly opinionated because I'm getting my master's degree in poetry. I started writing awful poetry early on and kept getting better and better and better. Keep writing, writing all the time! I'll give you some helpful pointers, then look in-depth at your first poem. Sound good? 1. DO NOT center your work. It's not just unprofessional-looking, it is really hard to read if all the lines are not the same length. 2. Avoid cliches. What's a cliche? "hurts like hell," etc. Basically write a poem first, don't even think about cliches. Then go line by line and say to yourself "have I ever heard this phrase before?" If you have, replace it with something else. Why? Because it's unoriginal. It's very colloquial as well (in other words, heard in everyday conversation). Cliches tend to dumb-down poems. They're the enemy of good poetry! They're hidden little buggers, too--even the greatest of poets have to fight to get them out of their work. 3. Images over abstractions! An abstraction is another word for an idea, like "sadness," "happiness," or things like "dreaming" or "mystical," or "friendly." These are not words you should NEVER words, but you should realize they have a hazy effect--everyone thinks about "sadness" differently--for one it's not getting a date for prom, for another it's the loss of a child. IMAGES, in response to abstractions, give a clear idea of what KIND of sadness you want. Instead of saying "The sadness is overwhelming, / where did he and I go wrong?" which is fuzzy--we don't know what happened. Is this a couple, siblings, classmates? "His rejection was a weight in my heart, / a tossed stone, now sinking slowly / through thick marmalade ocean." It doesn't need to make logical sense as long as it's an image that people can understand. It's much more interesting than saying "sadness". 4. Language. Make sure your language is cohesive. Unless the speaker is Japanese, and you can tell that in an English poem without using Japanese, then you can add in the Japanese. Otherwise--you speak English, you write in English, so keep the poem IN ENGLISH. 5. Punctuation, syntax, and rules of grammar: remember to edit your work for grammar errors! So, now the first poem: Quote:
Again, get rid of "gomen" unless the speaker is really a native Japanese speaker. Anyway, how does one "move on" from a relationship when they're "sinking" with the ship that was their relationship? Doesn't that mean that you're trapped in the sadness, being sucked down into it while the other person has escaped the wreckage? If I were to rewrite this poem (for fun, because it helps me to do so and also, it might help you get a better idea of what I mean): There is a boat at sea. It is sinking. Though I am aboard I am not worried. For a while I cry; for a while I smile. Here is where you left me, This skiff is filling swiftly, Perhaps they're just my tears. The skiff is our love, I am the captain of the Lonely Vessel, adrift from the cruise-boat, lost. My metaphors are clear like the ice that cuts the boat scrapping away more of us, the memory. The waves erode the wood, Should I let them erase me, too? Should I be afraid? This is still our ship, your sea-foam eyes stare, your clear breath still pours down my neck. Perhaps it is only the wind, pushing/pulling the skiff farther out. I realize you are not here, sinking softly into the deep sea with me. I have been the only one. The gut of the sea is churning, churning, churning It is hungry for me, for a love I could not share, so I broke off during the night with the golden doubloons, your dreams for us. Forgive me, I'm sailing for Scylla and Charybdis. I kind of made it my own, gave it my own story--first you assume it's the guy who has deserted the woman who sailed away (using sexes here just for clarification, but the poem is ambiguous), but then you realize it's really the woman who has betrayed the man. I threw in Scylla and Charybdis just because I could, haha. Literary references--or any references of high culture, really--work really well in poems, especially when you're referencing other poems! Hopefully you have some new ideas. Good luck and KEEP WRITING. |
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