Dear brain,
Can you cool it down a little and not go around whizzing a million miles an hour!? I feel like you are about to explode. What is going on here? I know I have a lot going on but you need to.slow.down.
I know I have to think about college
and papers
and a job
and school work
and that spider in the corner
and friends
I get it. I know there is so much more but can you PLEASE let me relax for 5 minutes?????

Dear body,
Can you please stop getting sick. I have been sick for 2 weeks. Why do you wait until I am about to sleep for me to start coughing? I haven't coughed that much all day. I just want a day where I can feel 16 instead of 60... My back hurts, my chest hurts, my whole body aches, and my throat hurts. Can you just.... heal up so I can focus more in school and get more than 4 hours of sleep? Please and Thank you.

Dear Jaedyn

You've become an absolute fucking asshole and one of the worst people I ever met. Last time I saw you, you were begging for forgiveness, then managed to hound me into another chance, and never showed your face again. I'm sorry I've ever met you and spent so much time making your life better, while I was in dire straits, and you only made it worse by adding more hurt to it. A small, immature part of me wishes you to dropped dead or had a slow, horrible death. The adult, mature and wise me wished you'd someday learn what you did and become a better person.

Dear Forrest,

I'm sorry for WoW time was more important than I was. I'm sorry you didn't have the balls to break up with me like a person. I'm sorry I didn't have the chance, namely, I wish you had given me the chance to yell at you until I lost my voice. It's been four years, and I haven't had anyone since, while I'm sure you're happy in some way or another, as it always happens. That's fine, I don't mind that you're probably happy. I just wish I had meant more to you, that you at least had enough decency, respect and courage for a proper breakup.

Dear family,

You've almost exhausted me and put me in an early grave a few times, but I endured. I endured all the alcoholism, abuse, neglect, mental and emotional torture. You've slowed me down so much, or possibly ruined me, but at some point, sooner or later, I'll be away from you. I wish you knew that we could've all loved each other, that a family isn't made of dictatorship and alcohol-fueled events. I am a sensitive, living person that has feelings and flesh that can be hurt, and you've managed to do that do a very deep degree. I get the feeling you wanted an inanimate object or a robot to do your bidding. I'm not perfect, I have flaws, I'm strange, and maybe my way of seeing the world is unimaginable to you, but if I wanted to help all of you quit drinking and work on our relationship, I at least deserved to be accepted as I am. I think you all actually scarred me into being afraid of relationships of any kind. In my mind, the word friend is someone who'll betray you and turn your back on you, the word family makes me think of medieval torture racks, while a boyfriend is the person who'll change his mind and find someone better. All of that is linked to you, it's not entirely your fault, since others helped me think that way, but a lot of you told me that I'm not good enough, that I'm insane, ugly, fat, and that nobody would ever love me. Maybe I wouldn't fit in with human society, anyway, without your... help. I have a suspicion I'd be an outsider regardless, but I could've at least had a home to return to when I needed it.

Dear William,

I don't' think you understand how hard this is for me. I've liked you for a very long time, but fear and insecurity kept me from acting on it. Had you expressed interest earlier, I probably would have left Chris a lot sooner, but for a different reason (you).
I've written you countless letters (that, of course, have since then been burnt as I reckoned it was futile and had no address send them to).

Reconnecting with you after the nightmare (for all parties) that was Chris, was pretty surreal. I thought for certain that you'd basically just ignore/block me rather than letting me add you on skype. And telling me you'd thought I was cute for a while? That was nice, too.

But you see, I'm afraid we moved to fast. i was pretty shocked when you just sort of dropped trou on camera (Though my perverted side does not mind in the least, I got a nice show out of it (that I am still thinking about, by the way)). I even rather like your set of interests (they match up with mine fairly closely).
I would have liked to have caught up with you before we got to that. I want to know how you're doing, how your (amazing) photography has progressed, how life has been to you, etc.

Because, you see, I respect you. I want to be a part of your life. I don't want to be that girl you skype on Friday nights when you've had too much to drink and you can't control your body. I actually would like to be there.

I don't want to rush things. And I'm not sure I'm ready for a relationship, so don't you worry your pretty little head thinking that's what I'm after right off the bat. I have a lot of unresolved trust issues and a lot of healing to do.

Even now I have my doubts about you. Like I said, trust issues, and they have nothing to do with you. I'm just being cautious for the time being, and I don't know if you are serious about me or not. For all I know I'm just setting out to be a notch in someones bedpost again, and that's not something I can handle. I don't know what you think of me, or if you're even being honest.

I'd like to believe we're some grand missed connection, but I'm scared. So don't hold that against me, please, and don't think that I'm not talking to you because I'm angry or dislike you. I'm just trying to process.

Love,
Jess

Dear M,

I used to think of you as an angel. Maybe that was a fault of mine, an expectation I should have never placed on you. We are only human, are we not? It is just strange though, to think, that when we met back in middle school, I saw someone who was much more caring to me. We were tiny little bookworms, who wondered what it would be like to have our very own boyfriends, and dreamed of the day when we could drive around in our own cars. We spent a lot of time talking, and looking at the clouds, running laps with each other in PE, drawing pictures and wondering about the world. I loved being your friend so much. I even got jealous when you started making new friends, and another girl called me a lesbian for it. I was never sexual towards you. That was never in my interest. But I loved you like a sister. You were my best friend, and I was yours. It seems like such a long time ago.

A few years passed and we started high school, and I think that is where everything changed. We tried to keep our friendship, but it was never the same. Of course in high school, everybody wants to try new things, and some things, I wasn't so eager about. I didn't think it was funny that 14 year old girls would bring "apple juice" to school and get drunk. I didn't think it was funny to sleep around, or exciting to see how many boys someone could kiss in one month. They were all games to you and your friends, something that made your hearts race and made you feel empowered. I never got it though. I was attracted to one guy seriously and one only. I tried dating, taking the opportunity since I was in high school.. it didn't have the strings attached as if we were in adult relationships. But my boyfriends started asking for things I couldn't give to them. A, though... A was so different. He was gorgeous to me, mysterious, with eyes and a mind both deeper than the ocean itself. Within only a few weeks of knowing each other, we confessed our love, and decided we would spend more time, our lives together wherever we had the chance. And so many girls were jealous of even the time when him and I weren't even dating. He would give me the sweetest smiles, come running up to me and twirl me around in the air, kissing me, what, even twenty times in a row. I fell so hard for A.

It's hard to believe what happened after high school. Everyone I knew got into drugs. I avoided the people I knew for the longest time because of that. The last amount of innocence I saw in you just seemed to flit away. I haven't seen the same light in your eyes since. Your boyfriend last year took everything from you and I both. He stole thousands of dollars, he broke your trust, and even deteriorated your strength as an individual. You have a strong heart, so you've been able to manage... but I can tell it made an impression on you. It definitely did to me. I was so sorry for the day that you got accused by the cops of doing what C did. I never meant for that to get you any trouble. I had to call them on him though. He wasn't going to steal thousands from us and get away with nothing. That was especially because once I told my bank that happened, they were going to put 100% blame on me unless I convicted someone specific! I couldn't believe the lack of customer service with that lady. She didn't believe me at first and it made me so upset because I've spent my whole life doing things that earn good credit, retain myself personal integrity and good will... and over an incident which I needed her help to know what to do, she would go back and instantly accuse me of lying, cheating, and stealing the system. What nerve. I can't say I was entirely surprised when something similar happened at your bank... but for the cops too? I was really pissed about that. They should have never done you wrong, especially after I already explained the truth and where they could probably find C. They went to the entirely wrong place. C had already left the apartment... that was so stupid. Did you ever forgive me for that though? I feel like you still hold me accountable for that like I am too naive to handle situations with the legal system or that I was trying to set you up or some sh*t.... I never had intentions of the sort at all. I only wanted to protect you. I am sorry that what I said didn't go as I had planned, and that you had to suffer for that...

Right now... I have to admit I have a hard time not getting mad at you. I can sense your upset feelings with me, and I'd like to clear everything up... but... I don't feel like you are ready to. I know what happened freaked you out... It freaked me out so much! I almost died that day. Thankfully, the paramedics came..... I never meant for that to happen. I was fine one second and then everything hit me at once and I was out. That was so scary to me and it was just one of those things, if there was a slight change to start with, it never would have turned out that way. Also, if there was a slight change from what did happen afterwards, I probably would have been dead. Thankfully, A was there and made the call for me. That he went to the hospital with me.... that was something I asked of him. I wouldn't have asked though if I knew you were going to kick him out over it. It was never his fault to start with. Do you know, too, that he has no family like your rich ass to go back to? Ugh. Both of our mothers are dead... his father is out of state, and def not stable to support anyone else. You guys living together was supposed to support each other. Just because your name is on the lease does not mean you have the right to try and run his fucking life like you're some kind of guardian. Back off. You can worry about yourself a little more. I am sure there are things you want to accomplish for yourself without putting your nose in anyone else's business...... I don't mean to come across harshly, but I am upset.. and... I guess this is why it's a letter I can't send. If I told you what a bitch I thought you were being right now, you'd probably talk to the billions of people you know and make my life a living hell, after leaving me for dead and telling me that I can't ever see A again in the house that both of you live in. Oh yeah, you already did. Thanks for that, by the way. Bitch.

Don't act like you're so innocent either, because you've done the same thing that I have, only it was outside, not inside someone's apartment. You literally did very similarly, the same fucking thing as me. So don't judge. I have my own reasons and it's not because I'm a lowlife.

Sometimes I just wish I had a normal life... There is so much drama day to day, intended or not. Everything is moving so fast... changes happening constantly around me. I am being productive with myself, and the ONE day I decide to let loose a little, everything comes falling apart at the seams. I am going to school 13 credits, while working part time in a different part of the city, living at least 15 miles away from that. But I manage. I have good grades, I keep up on all of my chores around the house, I even read the bible, and make sure to exercise and eat right. Every day I try to become an even better version of myself. I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of my mistake. I feel as though things would be a lot easier if it was just a littttle bit less.... but since that wasn't the case, maybe this is good for a lesson. Maybe I should learn to live without you.

I wish you the best.... but most of all, I hope you learn what you need so you can be happy. Because at the end of all of this, no matter how much of a 'bestie' A or I was to you in the past, this too is changing. When he moves, neither of us are seeing you again. We're getting our own apartment again and not inviting you over... If you think you can kick him out of something like that, put rules on him as if he's a kid of yours, and act like you know what's best for him (while you're several years younger, btw, with tons less experience..) your thoughts are in an entirely different spot than either of ours, and you should rethink who your friends are. I know I am.

C'est la vie, motherf*cker

William,

Thanks. I got up the nerve to ask you if you wanted to catch up (not even as a romantic interest, just as friends), and you shot me down. Sorry, but I'm not that type of girl so I guess this is goodbye. I'm not removing you off my skype list, but I'm just shutting it down for the time being. You're the only one I talk to on there anyway.

I don't like it, but at least I got some screenshots of you doing shit so that if it backfires in the future, I'll have some incriminating evidence as well. I guess it's to be expected, considering you used to pal around with my ex.
Eh, at least you're cute and I got you to act like a sl*t on camera.

I admit, I was a fool to think it would go anywhere. Hope is for fools, that's something I'm learning quickly. I exposed some of my most intimate insecurities to you, and this is what I get in return. It's to be expected, and I think that's what hurts the most.

I'll cry and moan for a little while, but I'll be over it soon enough. Not that anyone worries about me anymore. Or worried about me to begin with. I mean, even Chris did shit like this, so I guess you're really no better than he is.

~Jess

______,


In retrospect, I want what I've always wanted...to be something other than the villain. My thoughts and actions have never been fixed on insult or injury. I have, as ever, wanted to help and to heal, and I know well that I am guilty of deluding myself, of telling myself that there was some way to do that without ruining someone or something. Oftentimes it feels like I break whatever I touch, that my doubts, fears, and guilt are passed on to those who come into contact with me. I reach out in moments of absolute darkness and I become the light, I can't help myself. But usually, I am above it all, nothing touches me.

You touched me.

In the process, you rekindled my creativity, my muse, my passion for life itself, and I was swept up in the rush of it all, in the song that you brought to life in me, and I tricked myself into thinking that I had an answer to all of my problems, and created half a dozen more in the process. I wanted everything. I wanted nothing. Mostly, I just wanted to live, to give the world my all again but, as with most things in life, it wasn't anywhere near as simple as that.

I will say that now I know exactly how it feels to find a light, to be led out of the darkness, to get attached, but with that renewed strength has come perspective. I often say that no one is meant to be the rock in someone else's ocean (I then proceed to ignore my own advice more often than not and try to be that rock just the same), but it's true, and I'm not entirely sure that I completely understood that until now.

A person needs more in life than a single-minded focus on one individual, or the strain becomes so great on both individuals that they end up being swept off into a sea of despair.

In short, people are part of the answer, but they are not meant to be the only answer, the single reason for someone's happiness. That isn't to say that you can't have a person who never fails to make you happy when you're around them, but to rely on them and them alone strains them to the point of breaking, and when they begin to crack, you go with them, harder and faster than ever before. I thought that I could be the answer, but I'm am less rock and more twig, less stable than I pretended to be, less sure (and I know never seemed all that sure to begin with).

If you ever happen upon this, I imagine you will think me cruel. It will seem far removed from the issue, emotionless - the things that matter always do when I try to get a handle on them. My explanations of what goes on in my own head, rarely express the feeling and sentiment behind them. I wonder if I lack something fundamental, or simply possess less of it than most people. You often make me feel as though I do. You're so certain, so direct. I am rarely certain about anything, and even less direct. I spend far too much time caught up in my own head, far too much time worrying and telling others to live while I hide and put on a show of living in the moment, of being the kind of person that I want to be, but can never seem to hold onto for long. I often wonder if that's who I was meant to be, who I could be if I could keep everything from getting twisted up in my head, if I could let go and give fully of myself, and damn the consequences. But right now, I can't, I'm not quite strong enough for that. I think too much about what others will see, how they will react, what they will say, or do, or think. I shouldn't, I know this, but I can't help myself, and every time I have in to my own fears, my own insecurities, I find myself getting farther and farther away from who I want to be, who I could be, if I could just let go of it all and live, enjoy myself, give of myself.

I am, and always have been, my own worst enemy, and it wasn't fair of me to bring you along for the ride, knowing that I always arrive back here, lost in this rut, knowing that I need to let go, to give, to open up, but being unable to do so for whatever reason, or to do so for a time, to instill hope in myself and in others, and close the gates again soon thereafter.

I know that sorry is not enough, that it isn't the answer for this. There isn't really an answer. I do not regret feeling, I will not apologize for it. I would apologize for not feeling enough often enough, for being as closed of and insecure as I am, for not being sure, but I don't think that that is the answer either. It wouldn't be enough. It wouldn't change anything and it certainly wouldn't fix anything.

The fool in me hopes that the rift that now exists between us will close in time, that we will find some way to exist together without causing one another pain, that we will be able to work together to ensure that one another's lives aren't terrible...but I fear that you will shut me out entirely now, that this isn't going to be an option. Part of me sees this as life, as what has always, and will always happen, when I get too close to other human beings, another part merely grieves for the loss of you. No...that isn't quite right, all of me grieves but, as always, I find myself looking for some reason, some bit of the past that makes this all make sense...and that's how I got here in the first place, because I have yet to find a way to let go of everything that has chained me down and kept me from actively working toward my own happiness.

I think that half my problem is that I've always seen progress as moving away from something rather than toward something - away from my home, away from crippling feelings of uselessness and inadequacy, away, away, away...

I fear that this has devolved into a senseless ramble...well, more meandering than senseless, but I find that getting these things down often help me toward the path to setting things right. Perhaps I should have been doing this all along.



Seri

Jenny,

I know you think you're some great, tragic victim because somehow I prevented you and Chris from being together. Because he deceived you and you think that's somehow my fault.

But what about when I found out, and I was the victim of the both of you? What about me locking myself in the bathroom and trying to drink bleach because of what you and he took from me? What about the pain you caused me?

When you found out he and I were together, why didn't you stop? Why did you stab me in the back the way you did? Why did you deceive? You say you're a caretaker, you say that you're kind, but why did you engage in something knowingly and willingly, that would hurt someone else?

Periodically, I'll be thrown an explanation, a hollow, fake apology, or some other excuse: 'I was weak', 'you're mean', 'I didn't know' etc. The worst thing is, I'm hearing all of these stories about Chris trashing me, and maybe from his perspective there's a kernel of truth, but to me they sound like lies and exaggerations.

I know what happened in my apartment. I know what happened when I rolled over the night before and saw him sexting, and chatting with other girls (You're one of many, dear), I know what happened the next morning when I shook him awake so we could have a talk about it. I'd known for a while, or at least suspected.

I've actually been pretty quiet and moderate about my perspective, unless it's been between he and I when I was expressing to him my very personal feelings. You have no idea how much he'd hurt me, how many trust issues he'd given me. And I thought, in you, I had found a friend. I think that was the worst part for me.

But the thing is, I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt several times. I gave him the benefit of the doubt more than he deserved.

My excuse is that I was trusting and stupid. I was so busy trying to be loyal, trying to please the whims of a man who many would deem insane. I don't know what I was thinking. I was starting the paperwork to transfer out there when shit hit the fan.

Then he accused me of hacking, and saying those things to people, that told me, more than anything, that this man was not capable of taking on accountability for his actions. The irony is that I was away during the time he was 'hacked' (there are several photos of me in Virginia City to prove it, plus I was surrounded by witnesses). The only times I've ever been on his computer is when he let me on it to e-mail my professor from Teslacon, and then after the huge fight he and I had had where I said 'If you're telling the truth, then let's see the messages'. And he was there over my shoulder the entire time.

The point being made here is that you really and truly aren't the victim. You're the bad guy, you're the bully, and I can't stand the fact that you and he don't own up to your actions. It's disgusting and cowardly.

I've done my best to wash my hands of the entire situation. I've blocked him (you, thankfully and without real reason(since I never messaged you or harassed you about him), have blocked me). I've changed my phone number. Twice. I've even ignored him on tumblr, and set every e-mail he sends me to go directly to the 'trash' bin on my email account.

I've tried washing my hands of you both. I want to let go. You guys making up all this shit about me is really petty and stupid. I want nothing to do with either one of you. I've moved on with my life. This is all pain I'm just trying to put behind me. I have no idea why you guys can't accept that.

It's like you two live off of drama. I just want to live peacefully, and I want you two to do the same. I dont' want to cause trouble. You guys are the ones doing this, so cut it the fuck out.

Fuck You,
~Jess

Dear Nat,

what happened the our friendship? i miss my little sister. we used to be the best of friends. we would stay up all night watching shows or baking or just chatting about life. i miss those days. i know i've already moved out of the house and we both have pretty successful relationships going on....but we never chat. each time i visit you always leave to go see your boyfriend or out with other people. i wish you would just stay in once in a while so we could catch up. i know it's hard to do when my boyfriend or yours is around mom's house....but those times when it's just me. i wish you'd cancel plans. ...though i know it's unfair of me to request that sort of thing from you-when i lived there i did anything to get out of the house...

i just wish we talked more. i miss our inside jokes, our fangirling over tv shows and musicals, our weird dances in the livingroom when we were supposed to clean.

i just hope when you're done with high school we could see more of each other. you know you can always visit me here on campus, my office door is always opened.

Love,
Vee "Nic"

To my beloved son.
For everytime you've had your crying fits, going from 10 to 30 minutes. Turning your face purple because you just won't breathe with you start up crying. I can only pray that you learn to outgrow these young trends in you life. Your father and I joke about if you were a teenager... But I honestly hope you don't pass out trying to make a dump on the toilet when you 16. You already give us, first time parents, heart attacks when turn purple--- It'll be nice to know you give us a break when you grow up. Don't need you passing out after you throw a fit in the toy aisle when your cranky and want a toy. Though I'll admit it's all probably payback for what I did when I was younger. I use to be a lot more of a cry baby than you, would cry for hours, unable to stop, and what appeared to be no reason. Honestly it was just me psyching myself out to the point all I could do was cry because I was crying.
Anywho. I apologize for be a horrible mom in the matters of feeding you, and not peeling off your dead skin.... OCD habit of mine when I see peeling skin... as you will find out when you have sunburn in your older life. Run Micheal run! :P As for the feeding, I know your hungry... I know I'm suppose to hold and breastfeed you every two hours... but I want to SLEEP for more than an hour before you wake up screaming at me. Lucky for me I get payback when you become a teenager. ;D
Love you baby boy of mine.

Dear _____,
Trying really hard to be strong & keep the faith. But when do i start seeing some actual rewards?
Getting a bit tired of hoping & praying. But nothing eventuating. *sigh*

Anyway long weekend is here, i hope it's a good one. Even though i don't have the amount of money i wanted for this weekend! Stupidity mostly on my part i know.

Just gotta get through today!!

Dear Life,

Thanks for giving me one of the worst days I've ever had.

Regards,
Me

P.S FUCK YOU

Chris and Jenny,

I don’t know where you get away with calling yourself a victim. You aren't one. You’re the one that caused it. You are the one that made my entire world come crashing down around me. You’re the one that disrupted something that was going on. And you KNEW the entire time. I know you knew. You can’t lie to me. I saw through it immediately.

I wish I could say that I’m happy, that I don’t miss him. But I do miss him, every second of every day and when the darkness comes creeping in. All I wanted was a break from him, a few weeks to sort out what was going on. I even asked him for that. But come to find out even then he went to go see you. He bears the blame as much as you, but the fact that you were so sniveling and two-faced about the entire situation simply turns my stomach. I understand that he was never mine to begin with. That I was only a source of attention and an excuse for him. That he never harbored any real feelings for me, nor, do I suppose, he will have any feelings for you.

But the wound from your backstabbing is still raw. You, whom I thought of as a friend, and your deceit. How dare you even pretend to be ‘proper’ now? You’re classless and abhorrent. Your lack of delicacy, of self control; it’s disgusting.

Behind my back you both went and did this. Neither of you are victims, for you have brought on your own pain. I know I myself am not completely without blame, but you two, openly and willingly breaking my trust, and my heart.

No, your apology means nothing to me. Empty words spoken by people who lied to me in the first place. I have no doubt you would lie to me again at the drop of a hat, because that’s the sort of people you two are. It will be a long time before I can move on from your treason. I may try to forget, but I doubt I will ever forgive.

I know I’m not entirely innocent. I’m aware of that. But neither of you deserve apologies. You two are the last on my list for apologies, even behind Byron and the guy who raped me. That’s how much I dislike the two of you.

So leave me alone. I don’t want any of this. I never did.

Fuck you

Dear_____,
I don't know what you're thinking. I still want to be friends, but you never talk to me anymore. I know you're probably holding a grudge against me, but I don't know for what. If I knew what it was I could try to make amends. I'm glad you are doing better that what you were, and am glad you are taking a break from a relationship that wasn't good for either of you. I'm glad you moved out on your own. I wish we could hang out. You probably hate me though, that probably is why you never talk to me. I want us to work things out, because I don't want to lose a friend.

Wishing you the best, me

Dear Person (You know who you are)

I'm so disappointed in you. What have you become? You're a different person now, and not for the better.
Please, for your brothers sake... go to rehab...

Sincerely
You know who.

Dear World,

I'm feeling extremely run down right now. I have so much going on. From work to grad schools to choir practice. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes I just need some love. And a break.

Maria

Dear ______,

I wish that you would just stop talking to me if you really think so little of me. It hurts to talk to you because I do still have love in my heart for you. We just can't be, that's become painfully evident.

Dear Parents,

My new boyfriend is, in fact, my boyfriend. Not just some stranger, not a FWB. How dare you invalidate my relationship because you don't approve. Try being happy for me.

Dear Boyfriend,

I am glad I met you. When I am with you, I feel safe and comfortable. It's hard for me to be close to someone when my family doesn't support me, though. If I act strangely, I apologize. Please know it's nothing you've done and I could never hate you.

Most of all, I'm worried that the image you have of me will fade and when you see who I really am you won't like me (let alone love me) anymore.

Dear youknowwho,

You do not do EVERYTHING for me. You get all high and mighty with me when I forget a chore. Well yknow what? Get your ass out of the clouds because I fucking took care of you every damn time you were bed ridden.

You are so ungrateful it's ridiculous. You plan to charge me $10 every time I forget. Well good. I'm going to start fucking charging you money when I take care of you then.

Dear,

I miss you, you have no idea how much I miss you. I know things have been rocky, we seem to argue all the time online. But I seriously doubt you'd talk to me like that in real life, just like me. Last time we caught up it sucked. You lied to my face and said you'd come back but you didn't. Still, I miss you. I miss the crazy things we did. You were my best friend despite everything. I miss talking to you constantly on the phone. I'd call you from work and chat the whole time.

Most of all, I miss having someone to make art with. We could sit up all day and night just talking and drawing. Sometimes we wouldn't even talk, we'd play music and lose ourselves. I don't have anybody to do that with anymore and it's hard. You gave me confidence and you've always been more talented than I have. I always admired your eye for detail and beautiful female figures. You just knew how to add an element of cool to your subject matter. You deserve all the praise you get, and then some!

I'd give anything to sit down and create work with you again. At least we always had each other to confide in. Especially when it came to art. I have no doubt if Facebook and tumblr were around when we were younger things would have turned out differently. I know you'll make it eventually, I just hope when you do I'm at your side. Ending our struggle together much like how we started it together. Everything I've done with art is solely thanks to you. I never dreamed I'd land my dream job. It's not what I expected exactly, it's so much more. You will get there just don't give up. Don't listen to the people who tell you that you can't make it. Turning your drawings into tattoos is fantastic because it works. I think you just talked to someone who slapped you down so you won't be more successful than her.

I really hope you respond to me. I want to see you again, just to sit with you and get inspired. Nobody ever motivated me as much as you. Our lifestyles are so different now, it will be awkward sitting with a smoker and a drinker since I've given both up. But I guess I always was your little nerdy friend who didn't quite fit in, but I've accepted that. I hope you understand that I don't want to walk down that hory path, just because everyone else is. At least we were always united with a pencil and a sketch book. Get back to me bitch, coz I want to draw lol.