MORBiDUS's poems (looking for crits)
 

I have a small collection of some poems I wrote last year. I haven't written anything newer, for one reason or another.

:) Hoping for some crits on how I could improve! (when I do get around to writing again...) [Note: Any crit on ANY of the poems is extremely welcome, I'm not forcing any one person to crit them all..]

Please excuse their sort of dreary mood, unfortunately that's all I have to display of my poems at the moment. When I get out of my creative rut I hope to have something more joyful.

(Despite that I don't want to ruin the source of my poems for my readers, I feel it necessary to mention that these poems were written about/based on/around the time I was dealing with a horrible bout of more mild schizophrenia. Long story )

( --- denotes a new poem)

------------

Paralysis from sleeping pills doesn’t cure the mind,
I dig holes to fill a void with dirt,
but the gap’s this wide
And all the bullshit in the world
couldn’t explain how a person should live his life.

Here there’s a twisting pit,
in the ground, where I’ve been drawing filler from.
my fingers itch from scratching at the sediment
and the earth around me is being greeted with a vacant stare, wondering why I take from it,
to replace chunks of me.

I say it can do the same, but I lie,
knowing I gave up everything
and have nothing to offer - this void
consuming organs left behind, once hidden between
my spine and my ribcage.

------

Filthy dirt builds up, creates walls of smut in my mind
it forms a place of solitude, somewhere to crawl and hide.
there are monsters thriving on my thoughts...

Disgust muds my eyes, and here cocooned I'm within myself.
This rotting flesh is burning my nose, hair peeling from my scalp
Today I'm well aware, I'm safer here.
Craving matter for their own, They eat away.
My logic fades as they gain.

-------

A thin skin drapes your bones, - You wear it like royalty
Your figure is skeletol, - I'd never want you to touch me
Your eyes are circled with dirt, - Do you ever sleep?
And the blood crusted on your sleeve - Is that vomit on your breath?
Makes me think you intend to forget about me. - I'll miss you when you're dead.

((For this one in specific, I am also wondering what to do about its current format.
I was thinking of just leaving out everything with a - beside it. But I am not sure... Any suggestions?))

--------

I felt the withering,

work its way up.

Disgusting like vomit,

I just swallow it again.

Take down this vile thing,

and seal my mouth shut - with my hand.

Peer into my throat, stomach acid lake.

I shiver, spine shakes to my own convulsions.

No descriptive taste of this desolate spot

in my mind where I would feel so inclined

to bash my face through the white painted brick, of the wall.

-----------

I bite at my tongue,

but the words are in my head.

If only my teeth could reach

my mind, passed my skull,

and tell it to be quiet instead.

I think leaving the - next to it helps the flow of the poem better than if you were to create a new line for each of them. It's obviously a response to the previous part and flows well. :3

Thanks! I was also thinking about leaving them out completely opposed to creating a new line, but I feel like it might seem too short at that point.

:) Thanks for your input!

I really enjoyed this one. It is very short, to the point, but it expresses the idea with few words. Most poems you find these days drag on and on, trying to express whatever thought they have in their head without really saying anything. My only suggestion is to maybe take out the "-". They don't seem to serve much purpose and only break the flow. Also, something feels off about the last line. Maybe if you added an "and" at the beginning. Of course, you do not have to take any of these suggestions. Just sharing my thoughts. I did quite enjoy your poetry; I hope you overcome this block.

Ah, thank-you !

The way I had been reading it I didn't notice these things, but now that you point them out it really does break the flow. :) It's always good to see it read from someone else's point of view.

I definately find your suggestions to have been quite helpful. In fact, I think I'll add them, because after considering them, I like the poem a lot better that way. :yes: Thanks so much for your comment and suggestions~!

@MORBiDUS: You are very welcome! I wish I could be of more help, but I have never been terribly good at critiquing, in my opinion. Oh, and here is another little suggestion that might help your block! Go visit a LJ community called "Same-Oh". Let me see if I can link it, actually. It is a lovely little site that posts up wordlists. You take a list of words and try to use them all in a poem or prose; it really helps get the creativity flowing again, especially when you are blocked up.

Click!

There, try that.

Don't worry, you've been plenty of help! And any critique or suggestion/advice is a good one in my opinion.

:O Thank you so much for suggesting that/finding the link for me. =3
Just looking at it is making me want to write, honestly. It almost feels like a challenge, and I love a challenge. I'll have to whip out the good ol' pen and paper (or in my case just proceed with using my keyboard.. :sweat: ) and get to it!

:) That was so nice of you, really. Perhaps I'll finally make it out of this rut.

I am really glad I could help. I was referred to that site by a good friend of mine and it has always helped me out of my little ruts, so I figure why not pay it forward and help someone else out of theirs? I look forward to the new writings you will hopefully come out with! Good luck!