Lock, please.
 

WARNING: This is a topic about a very mature subject. Please leave if you need to. Can't say I didn't warn you.

And now, at risk of someone I don't want to see noticing this topic, I bring to you my issue.


A little background: I have inadequately treated depression and anxiety, which have been flaring up particularly badly lately due to stress. Stress + depression + anxiety = me not having any sex drive at all.

But the real problem is that this is totally emotional, so I don't know what to do about it. Physically, I still get horny if my boyfriend pushes the right buttons... but the idea of sex completely turns me off. It actually makes me anxious to think that I'll have to have sex. I don't know how to get over that.

Oh, and we've tried all the usual tricks. I told him to lay off and let me come to him (a Fabs-and-boyfriend appropriate variant of playing hard to get) and he did; no effect except me stressing over sex a little less. We've done a little mixing things up in the bedroom, but that's totally ineffective because I don't want to be in the bedroom to begin with. We've talked about it, I've tried explaining myself to him, but neither of us has an inkling of what to do. And worse, he blames himself up and down even though it's not his fault at all.

I don't know what to do. I like sex a lot, and I want to have it! I'm pissed off about it, actually. I want my boyfriend to be satisfied. Curing the depression could take years, and I somehow doubt he will want to not have sex for years! Has anyone else ever had to deal with this?

I'd advise you to not try anything for a while, because if you try too hard to make yourself want sex, you'll develop a resent against it. Just try to wait a few months, don't do anything in the meantime - there's a good chance that when spring kicks in, you'll have more sex drive without having to try all kinds of stuff. :)

Good luck with curing the anxiety/depression issues. Are you seeing a psychologist? Maybe that person could give you some answers to the sex drive question too.

Maybe you could try depression medication. Or maybe addressing/solving what is making you stressed out will help...Course I know this if often easier said then done.

Thanks for the advice, first of all.

@Volucria- That sounds nice. x3
But what to do with the boyfriend in the meantime? This entire me not giving him sex thing is really upsetting him, and he thinks it's all his fault.
I was seeing a psychologist, but since I'm 'all better' I don't anymore. And I'd rather not go back.

@Claudia- I'm already on mood stabilizers, since I guess I'm bipolar. I guess I just don't want to wait for the stress to go away, because that will take forever. My life sucks, you see. xD
And this just makes me more stressed. Vicious cycle.

I think if your boyfriend really loves you, he can make do without sex for a while.
I don't exactly have a huge sex drive. Most of the time, I mentally don't feel like having sex. I used to stress out a lot because of it. I talked to my hubby about how I feel bad about it and he told me that there was no pressure. He says he won't ever pressure me into doing it if I don't want to and he isn't upset if I don't. That took away a lot of stress, so I don't feel like I have to "put out" when he's horny but I'm not.

Question though: Even though you don't mentally feel you want to have sex, are you happy after you do have it? That's how I am sometimes.

I've found that cuddling helps a lot. It helps to relax you and give you that safe warm feeling to make you very comfortable and calm. Also, sometimes it can get you quite aroused, which would help in your case. I just like it because it is the closest we can get without the sex part. I love sex, too; but sometimes I can't do anything because of something physical. (Antibiotics making me yeasty if I haven't had yogurt that morning XP I hate having to take antibiotics.)

I would try cuddling =3 It always makes me feel better, and maybe it'll help. It's not sex, but being held is wonderful.

Otherwise, I would try talking out the whole situation. Maybe there's some way to lessen the stress? Maybe going on a little retreat somewhere would help? Like a park and you feed the ducks or something.

I go through bouts of little to no sex drive - and I find that when my boy has been patient and I still have no interest I just have sex with him anyway. He doesn't force me and in no way tries to make me feel guilty- but I feel bad because I know it's not his fault I have no interest.

My solution for me to to just do it anyway and make sure he has fun because generally when I'm not interested I won't orgasm - but sex can be fun even without one.

I guess I get to a point where I don't feel like it - but I'm not opposed to having sex so I hand him a condom and lubricant and we go at it - I find that I almost always end up enjoying myself before we're done and if I find myself in pain or really not interested or upset we stop.

I know it doesn't seem like much help at all - I guess just kind of a 'you're not alone'.

And now you know more about me than you probably ever wanted to :XD

Well, the end of winter break is in about two days. So if I don't finish my class by then, I fail. Either way, I should be less stressed by then because even if I fail I won't have to worry about it anymore. xD

@Rikali- Yeah, I'm sure he could, but I don't want him to. a) I want him to be happy and b) when he's frustrated he gets a little grope happy. xDD
But yes, it does make me rather happy when we manage to make it work.

@Jenova- Too cold for ducks! x3
Seriously, though, I love cuddling. That's usually how I get in the mood anyway. >_>;; But we do that all the time anyway. It might be more effective if it weren't for my damn sister staying up all hours of the night.

@siaasgn- This whole thread is sort of TMI. Lulz.
I do that sometimes. >_> It's very effective if I can actually get in the mood. My boyfriend, of course, never forces me to do anything either but somehow always comes up with the notion that he did force me to afterward. Nothing I say can convince him otherwise. e__e


And thank you to everyone for the advice. Hugs all around.

Yeah, I know what that's like! *sighs*
Hopefully you'll be a lot less stressed once your classes are over.

Do you think this is a result of the meds you're taking? Some bipolar friends of mine reported similar problems. The only thing that comes to mind beyond what others have stated is to speak with your doctor about it.

I doubt it's the medication. I've been on those for over a year now, and this is just very recently popping up. I did go on antibiotics more recently, which did coincide with the time this started happening, but I don't know if those can cause loss of libido. But I just got off the antibiotics yesterday anyway, so if those were it then I'm freeeeee. xD

@Rikali- Hopefully, at least once this class is done. It HAS to be done by tomorrow, and then I have to bite my nails and hope it wasn't too late. But then I have to stress about next semester, and trying to get back into a healthy routine, and finding a new job. O_o

Well, the class is over. I feel no better, though. :\

I'll be back with updates if it happened to have been the antibiotics, ya?

Try telling the boyfriend that it's not his fault. xD

Anyway, things seem to be getting a little better (maybe it was the antibiotics? O_o) and it seems there's not really much to be done besides just fixing the depression problems. So this can be locked now, and thanks for all you guys' help.