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Tears in the Dust
A red dress dappled in the shade
Sits alone in a park That was once filled with children’s laughter No hope just despair Floating on a breeze comes a menacing feeling approaching from the east On outstretched hands there sits a cardboard box The red dress reaches out to take the box without looking into those steely blue eyes No words were passed No human sound was uttered Just then a breeze caressed a face Quivering hands untied the box with a look of puzzlement and uncertainty The winds stirred the contents of the box Blowing dust into the sky A silence so intense that all could be heard was a quickening heart beat A look of uncertainty turned to horror and dread When lying in the bottom of the box was a gold wedding band. ~:~ so any thoughts? alot of people told me it was too vauge :drool: ~:~ |
Hm, I like it, but it seems to be more of a story than a poem. There's no set rhythm or rhyme scheme and I think that's why. This is one of those pieces that just gets stuck between the two I suppose, not really a poem, but not really a story either...
Oh, and I like that it's vague. It forces you to create the rest of the story. That's an odd thing for me to say because I use a lot of detail in my writings, so you found a good balance...well done. |
yay thank you very much. and i guess i just need to work a little more on the next poem xD
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anymore thoughts on this? :(
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After close examination I declare this poem...about the Holocaust?
Yes you told me, but every time I read it I understand it more. It's very nice. |
Amazing Poem. I loved the description, and the images it made me picture within my head. |
Vague, indeed. ^ ^ But rightfully so. Some things needs that vagueness.
"I like that it's vague. It forces you to create the rest of the story"-Shtona Lovely, my dear.^ ^ |
YAY! *glomps everyone* thank you very much =D
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It's just all too disembodied for me. And not in a good way. I'm not getting this haunting feeling that I think you're going for. There's a complete lack of emotional attachment. Dare I say, it feels like the poem falls short because you are trying too hard?
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that always was my downfall with peoms Dx
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There's always room for improvement. I'd say less vague hinty stuff and more straight forward content.
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ill try that next time x3
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It's not only that it's vague, but it also lacks real imagry. You need to paint a picture with the words and put the emotion in it that is suppose to go with the poem. Otherwise, you leave your reader guessing, which isn't really always the best way to go; especially with this kind of poem. You're telling a story; it's prose with line breaks. Understand?
Also those line breaks are dramatically off, losing the flow of the poem. When you read it, where do you naturally pause? That's where you start a new line. Most of what you written can be shortened and expanded in meaning if you used better metaphors. Then you could also be vague, but still get your point across. You're writing's pretty standard, really. Not meaning offence at all. Just saying it needs a lot of work if you're serious. I hope this helped. LNT |
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