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-   Celes Paradi 2009 (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=218)
-   -   ZERO's Joke thread (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=123018)

DistortedBrwain 08-11-2009 10:54 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZERO WolF (Post 1764808214)
Ah, the Netherlands, Nice place? I live in Australia, were the spiders are so big, they have health bars! o__O

Ah I don't think it's anything special my country, Australia is way cooler! ^^ But yeah the insects there freak me out, we don't have big insects like that here. ^^;;

ZERO WolF 08-11-2009 10:55 AM
HAHAHA! thats a good one
Quote:
'I thought you would,' said the boss. 'Yesterday after you left to go to your brother's funeral, he stopped by to see you.
Quote:
The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, 'Son, are you able to support a family?'

'Well, no, sir,' he replied. 'I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.'

V I X E N 08-11-2009 10:56 AM
XD
hahahaha..
oh yes.
massive hairy things make you prove how manly you really are XD

DistortedBrwain 08-11-2009 10:58 AM
lol I loved the past few jokes XD this thread is made of win! ^^

ZERO WolF 08-11-2009 10:59 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DistortedBrwain (Post 1764808250)
Ah I don't think it's anything special my country, Australia is way cooler! ^^ But yeah the insects there freak me out, we don't have big insects like that here. ^^;;
Australias one of the few places in the world were just about every creature in the bush can either cause you grievous bodily harm or kill you haha :sweat:
Its not as good as its cracked up to be over here though...really, It isnt.

@ vixen...Massive hairy things??? have I missed something...

Merrihop 08-11-2009 10:59 AM
Ah it's not the big spiders that bother me. It's those little ones. With big spiders, you can at least tell what they're up to. Those little ones are sneaky bastards. *Shudder*

ZERO WolF 08-11-2009 11:03 AM
mmm, thats true, Bu the big ones are quick, and the hurt like bloody murder when they bit you. Your right though, Its the little garden variety spiders that hide in the washing and then bit bite the living heck out of you when you put on your T-shirt for the day. sneaky little asses they are.
Quote:
A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Quote:
Guy1: Why do you take your wife to night clubs only?

Guy2: By the time she gets ready no other place is open.

DistortedBrwain 08-11-2009 11:05 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZERO WolF (Post 1764808280)
Australias one of the few places in the world were just about every creature in the bush can either cause you grievous bodily harm or kill you haha :sweat:
Its not as good as its cracked up to be over here though...really, It isnt.

@ vixen...Massive hairy things??? have I missed something...
yeah thats what I mean. O_O very creepy haha but the country is oh so lovely though. ^^

Cracked up?

Merrihop 08-11-2009 11:06 AM
*Snerk* Both of those amuse me. Heee!

Quote:
A man goes to the doctor and the doctor says to him, "Alright then, I've narrowed it down to two possibilities. You either have arthritis or dyslexia."

The patient looked at the doctor and said, "How can I know which one?"

The doctor says, "Go home tonight, get out a medical journal and look up dyslexia. If you can find it, then you've got arthritis."

ZERO WolF 08-11-2009 11:08 AM
Cracked up= Hyped up
Quote:
Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it?

A blonde tried to shoot herself!

V I X E N 08-11-2009 11:12 AM
@Zero- Spiders..
they are massive & hairy lol

ZERO WolF 08-11-2009 11:14 AM
its ok, I got it right after I posted the message haha
anyway, laugh at these
Quote:
Did you hear about the man who drank 5 gallons of tea?

He drowned in his teepee!
Quote:
Once there were three bats. They lived in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night the bats made a bet to see who could drink the most blood.

The first bat comes home one night and has blood dripping off his fangs. The other two bats are amazed and asked how much blood he had drunk.

The first bat said, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat goes out on his night and comes back with blood around his mouth. The other two bats are astonished and ask how many people's blood had he drunk. The bat said, "See that castle over there. I drank the blood of five people."

The third bat goes out on his night and comes back covered in blood. This was totally amazing to the other two bats. They ask how much blood he drank. The 3rd bat said, "See that castle over there?" and the other bats nod. "Well," says the third bat, "I didn't."

Merrihop 08-11-2009 11:15 AM
Ahh the blonde jokes... brings back memories.

Quote:
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

ZERO WolF 08-11-2009 11:27 AM
hah! Thats a good one
OK, this is a warning, Its slightly racist, but its humorous so it should be ok
Quote:
Why do Black people eat tootsie rolls with a fork

So they dont bite off there own finger

Merrihop 08-11-2009 11:35 AM
Oh that's wrong! *Snort* And yes, it is a bit racist. And because I'm quite fond of a good nun joke...
Quote:
There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent..

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, No! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both. So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then, Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

V I X E N 08-11-2009 11:36 AM
@Zero-HAHAHA
lolation haha

=( i has a head ache... to much thinking..
& a sore back

ZERO WolF 08-11-2009 11:44 AM
oh thats a good one too!
were are you getting these o__O
Quote:
Why did they put fences around the cememtary's......



Because people were dying to get in.

DizzieDummie 08-11-2009 11:48 AM
omg, these jokes are hilarious :'DDDD
i am rofling please >u<

here's a few jokes,
sorry for racism, this is all I can think of right now u_u;;

Quote:
What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan
Quote:
Some men were discussing their favorite toys and items when it comes to kinky foreplay.
Asian man: I love using floss.
Another man: for bondage??
Asian: to blindfold my wife.
Quote:
Whats the difference between a mexican and a couch?

the couch can support a family
and a chuck norris joke for good measure :'D
Quote:
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Merrihop 08-11-2009 11:48 AM
Oh I heard the nun joke years ago, Cheeses of Nazareth and the Dyslexia joke I heard on the cruise I just got home from, and the statue one I found on some website under "naughty jokes."

This place is fun. I don't get to enjoy jokes as often as I'd like.
And I just found this one on the web, wow...
Quote:
"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counselor.
"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied. "She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, she keeps the kids out of my hair. She lets me choose the television shows we watch and she never objects to sex or says she has a headache."
"So what's the problem?"
"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, "but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! You son of a bitch, die!'"

DistortedBrwain 08-11-2009 11:53 AM
lol wow that was a silly joke if I wouldnt wanna be with my man anymore I wouldnt be so nice to him lol but maybe she wants his inheritance? XP

Merrihop 08-11-2009 11:56 AM
Not a clue, that one just made me giggle, though. This is another one I really enjoy!

Quote:
A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and he had taught them to pray and read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the beads away! Our prayers have been answered!"

ZERO WolF 08-11-2009 11:59 AM
haha! that floss one is great!
Quote:
What did the alien say to the jigsaw puzzle?

''I come in peace and you come in peices!"

V I X E N 08-11-2009 12:00 PM
hahahah oh thats good.
but then again.
thats women for you.
Always assuming things
BAHAHAHHA

Merrihop 08-11-2009 12:01 PM
Hee! Pieces...

Quote:
What do the Rolling Stones and a Scottish Shepherd have in common?

The Rolling Stones sang, "Hey, you! Get offa my cloud!" and a Scottish Shepherd says, "Hey, McCloud! Get offa my ewe!"

V I X E N 08-11-2009 12:11 PM
hahahaha...
silly Scots XD
brb... need some tea =)


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