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Poem Log
Please critique
Cherished Life is Easily Gone As they come out of the crowded cars And look about them so, They see their friends go to the left And cry from joy and woe “Strip down and go into that room,” The German he will say, To go in there is certain doom For all will be taken away The people pointed to the right They never will be free, Their angels look upon them With pity they will see No mercy or compassion The ordered guards will give, Labor and torture are great gifts To the unfortunate few who live After all is said and done Hope it will remain, For the Allies sure are coming soon To free them from their pain Friends and family split apart From a madman’s crazy whims, They will meet again in Heaven And all will sing their hymns Everyone was cared for Cherished life is gone As fleeting and as quick As night is to dawn |
How Can You Say You Hate Me?
Your lip trembles; your eyes water Betraying the inner emotion While you tell me Of your external revultion. I am the only-- One who has seen you cry, One who has known your hurt, One too many for you to try. I know your faults, I knew your faith. I know your family, I knew your case. Your wings were mended: I helped you heal. You gave to me; Your body I feel. Sitting in your room, The moon in lee: I cannot understand How you hate me. |
End of the World
My heart becomes cold: unfeeling My soul will not soar Once was young and carefree Jovial and free no more All peoples of the Earth rejoice-- The end of the world is here Unmaking of the creation The beginning it will mirror The pain inside is hid away Behind a solemn face Never wanting them to know What you have to brace The pain of creation The joy of something new. Dance alone in your house, Drink a potent brew, Listen to this good advice Of what or not to duel Be happy for small vict'ries-- Let not your heart be cruel |
Steeping
Steeping
Delicious ocher: Smelling of sweet sandpaper As it runs cross-grain down maple. Sweet ambrosia: Keeping me awake for the extra hour That I need to write my last essay for the year. I stir the bitter liquid With a drop honey, Hoping to make it sweet to the nose And milky to the eyes. I fail, but still drink Of the life’s blood: I must be awake Only one last class. |
The first one is a little pedantic, you may want to work on the rhythm.
The second would make a really nice song, but it feels slightly flimsy as a poem. I think it needs more movement. On the end of the world one it seems like some of the rhymes are to rhyme with other lines, not to make a point. On that last one, very cute poem about coffee, but that last line falls a little flat. Maybe you should put "Only one more for the year" or something similar instead. These are only suggestions, but I hope I was helpful! |
i like the first one due to more pandanticness in it. i like em that way
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