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-   -   Read and Review? :) (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=124471)

Ehryn Rayne 08-14-2009 10:27 PM

Read and Review? :)
 
I wrote a poem. I like it, but I am unsure if others will. That's where you- as the readers- come in! Read this, please and review. I'll give you all cookies!!!

Lost

Tell me something.
I want the truth.
Where is the man I used to love?
Where are those soft, smiling blue eyes
I used to lose myself in?
Where are those reliable arms
that I used to let protect me?
Where is that lively smile
that used to speed my heart rate?
What happened to that sense of humor
that found me laughing at each of your jokes?
Tell me.
Where is the man I love?
What have you done with him?
Why have you transformed him into this person
that I don't know?
This person whom
has lost my love and care,
this hateful person
who has lost my trust,
who will do nothing
but complain!
Why have you taken him from me?!
I want the one I loved back!
I want to lose myself once more
in those crystalline eyes.
I want to let you protect me
with those protective arms.
I want my heart to melt once more
at that lively smile.
I want to laugh
at each of the jokes you tell.
I want him back!
Please! Tell me!
What happened to my love?
What happened to the one I cherished most?
What happened to you?


ary 08-15-2009 11:21 PM

I thought that the word choices you use aren't very original, more cliche-y than actually meaningfully descriptive. "wonderful smile" "strong protecting arms" and "melt my heart" were some phrases I winced at.

I think you should keep on developing it. Right now it's just a big question. The pain and bewilderment are evident throughout the poem, but that's pretty much all there is. Maybe you could describe the changed man? Idk. But there isn't a conclusion, or an experience for the reader beyond being questioned at what happened to the ideal man.

This was just my personal opinion ^_^;;

Ehryn Rayne 08-16-2009 04:11 AM

Thank you :)
EDITED
what about now? Granted, I wasn't as inspired to write it as I was then, but I juggled your suggestions as best I could.

Ehryn Rayne 08-16-2009 04:21 AM

New Poem!
 
This one is a little darker than my others... granted, I haven't posted many others.. but still, here it is:

'Til Death Do Us Part
I thought I would never say goodbye.
I believed I would go with you.
I love you so much.
I want to be in your arms once more, but that chance was torn from me.

How is it you left me without a single regret?
Did I mean that little to you?
No, I don't think I did.
I think you didn't want to worry me.
That's why you locked your feelings up.
At least, that's what I want to believe.
I wouldn't know.
You left before I had the chance to ask.

I never really did ask about you did I?
I never asked
"How was your day?", or
"Are you alright?”
For that, I'm sorry.
Although, you can't blame just me.
If you hadn't locked yourself up, I would've asked away.
I would have let worry for you consume me,
but that isn't what you wanted for me.
Not to mention, you aren't exactly here for me to blame you.
Why did you wait until now of all times to let me argue with you about this?
You aren't even here to answer me!
What kind of argument is that?
It doesn’t matter, anyway.
I'll soon be there to be with you.
Up there, where the angels sing.
If I earned it.
For all I know, I'll end up in Hell,
but I won't know until I go through with it.
Hold on, love, I'll be there in a second.
O sweet tool, take me to my beloved.
Here, in my chest shall you be buried.
Goodbye;
no;
Hello again, my love

Knerd 08-17-2009 01:01 AM

Ehryn Rayne, I've moved your threads into our Poetry subforum and merged them both together.
Please post all of your new poetry pieces in here. :yes:

I like the one you just posted, it has a really unique tone to it. Maybe you could experiment with how you break up your lines? It makes a really nice transition to split up the statements towards the end, but you do that a little bit in the beginning too. It might be more moving if you started off with full, complete thoughts and gradually shortened them down into phrases and single words, like you did at the end.


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