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My Mom
Hello I have been having Mom issues lately.well I'm just going to tell you the whole story.On March 10,2009 my father died in a truck accident.afetr that we really have been seperated and barely talking.Now though my mom is dating someone only after 4 months of my dad passing.What do i do I tryed telling her I didnt like it but she can still have her bf as long as she didnt do anything in front of me but she still doesnt listen.Right now im living at my Grams.Please help,give some advice.
Thank you fo rall who help. |
First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss :[
What exactly is your mom doing to upset you? You don't seem to like the fact that she's dating, but maybe she feels like she's ready to move on with her life, or maybe she's just trying to fill a hole. I don't know how she feels. But it sounds like there's a serious lack of communication going on between the two of you, and maybe if you understand each other's positions a little better you'd be able to live with each other. Maybe you could call her on the phone one day and try to talk to her about everything? |
Different people mourn in different ways. Her way with coping with your father's loss is different than yours. I would let her mourn and support her as long as she is happy. Try talking with her about your feelings that you have after your father's loss, and how her dating another man makes you feel. After that, you might need to back off and let her cope. Good Luck.
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My mother keeps putting me down.
Aww...
I'm sorry for your loss. ._.; It'll be hard at first, but just think...she's trying her best to stay happy. I think it's better for you to stay at your Granny's house for a while, or as long as she'll let you, and move back when some of the hurt has faded. Best of luck. <3 |
See I really dont care that my mom is dating.Thats not the issue and we have talkied things out and I understand taht we have diffrent ways but the things is I ask her nicley to not to any thing around me when sh eis with her bf but when i just asked her she turned around and kissed him right in fromt of me.I dont really think she knows how I feel abotu her doing things like that around me and my mother hasent always been the "normaal" kind.I just want her to listen to me but she always tries to make it about her.
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Ouch. I'd say give her some space if she is the type to think its all about her. Both of you are in mourning and/or have gotten over the grief it seems in your mom's case.
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Between my kids, my brother in law (long story), and my "friends" I was able to get through the worst part. I went pretty wild with my new found freedom. After all, I had been been a wife since I was 19 and a mother since I was almost 21. I was only 34 when he died. We had more than our share of extremely hard times. Now I was alone, free, and had a little one and two teenagers, who were also coping with this loss, to raise. I suck at being a single parent, but I did the best I could. As for my friends, I was very discrete in what I did around my children. They really saw nothing other than the person himself. There were no displays of affection in front of them. However, had I chose to do that, and my children had said something, I would have quickly put them in their place. I wasn't single by choice. I honored my vows and I don't think you can get more final than "death do us part". Who I chose to see and what I chose to do with them was/is none of their business. I'm a grown woman and need no one's approval. I know it hurts you to see her with someone else. Your father is dead and you probably can't understand how she could possibly be with someone else and be enjoying herself. But we adults can get lonely too. We need love and affection, and to be touched and held, too. I don't know all the details of why you are staying at your grandmothers. You haven't said much about that. If it was your decision, than I feel you're wrong for doing so. You and your mother need each other right now, whether either of you know it or not. I have lost a child, a parent, and my husband. NONE of those losses is the same. I'm thankful that my children were so understanding of the things I did. They KNEW how much I loved their father, that I was hurt and devestated even though it didn't look that way to anyone looking on, and that it must have been my way of coping. At the same time, I tried to understand them and the things they did that weren't right. I don't think they could have made my life much harder if they tried, but I wasn't Ms. Delightful myself. You don't run away when it's tough, you stick together. That's what being a family is. |
Infinitys Echo I understand what your saying,that sticking together is what a family does but what if I cant be around the affection she gives him.I mean my mom was a single mother for a long time before my dad came into our lives.I understand that my mother cant be alone for the rest of her life and that she has right to be with some else but some things I dont agree with like spendinng all our money on her bf's birthday.The thing is i can't stand up fpr what I think whats wrong,I have never been able to stand up to my mother.I want us to be a family so bad to be able to be there for each other but my mother never has reallt been a "mother" ever since I can remember.I just want us to be a happy family btu I really dont believe that can ever happen if I cant shar emy opinions with her.The reason im at my Grandmothers is I cant stand my mother kissing and being all over a person that isnt my father.I know one day I can be near her but I wont it to be soon not in a year or 2.
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I'm very sorry about you dad D:
Why don't you and your mom talk though? I mean, why did you two separate? I live with my two sisters right now, and most of the time when i speak to my mom it ends up in yelling, but it's starting to get better now that we know how stupid separating is. (my sister is out of college so i just live with her) I don't even know why i left my home D: But anyway, you have to make up with her somehow, or you'll be living without her foreva. Which sucks |
I totally agree with you Little Miss.I want to be able to talk to my mother with everything.I never had a huge fight with my mom because I can never stand up to her.I want us to be able to be close but rigth now she wont really listen to me.I have tryed talking to her so many times and she says ok i wont do this or I will try to do that but it never happens.It is really sad that you cant trust your own Mother.
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Yeah, standing up to your mother, not really a good plan. >_> It results in many fights
My mom and I both have anger issues, so i guess that doesn't help either. She probably told her new boyfriend why she's so pissed, maybe you should talk to him? |
Mabye but the thing is if my Mom finds out I talked about all this to someone there is going to be alot of fighting and thats the last thing I want for me and my mom to fight.
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"Happy" is what you make it, much like "home". Don't look to have an ideal situation. There are going to be many things in your life that you are uncomfortable around, but are going to have to deal with whether you like it or not. You can look at something like this as a good way to begin learning how to do that. You should be with your mother. Don't let this drive a wedge between the two of you. She is your mother just as much as he was your father. As for "standing up to her", that's definitely the wrong way to go about it. I know you might not think so, but you ARE a child (a teen). This isn't a peer, this is an adult, this is your mother. Unless they are putting you in harm's way, there's no need to stand up against them. Realize what this really is. It isn't something that is going to physically hurt you, though it may hurt your feelings and bother you. It's merely something you don't like. It may seem like a betrayal, and truth be told, you may suffer from the bad feelings it causes for the rest of your life. You may never look at your mother the same again. But better to deal with it now, then 10,15, 20 years down the road, when so much has passed between you that the damage is irreparable. Try to remember that this is HER decision to make, not yours. You will leave home soon enough as an adult and have your own life-maybe a partner that SHE doesn't like and will have to deal with. I think what you need is hugs and attention from mom that you're not getting, that she is giving to someone else. Tell her YOU want a hug too-really! Or just walk up and give her one whenever you feel like it. I wasn't very physically affectionate with my older two. But had my kids walked up and gave me a hug, I would have gladly returned it, and felt nothing but a huge smile come over me. Just do it! Maybe she's "forgotten" you need to be loved and hugged, too, in her grief. So make her remember you! I know I'm putting a lot on you it seems. But us parents aren't all knowing, perfect people either. We make mistakes, even huge mistakes. We don't always make the right choices or do the right things. That's just another way for you to learn what NOT to do. Kids have to be strong and tough, too. If you've done YOUR best, then when you get older, you can at least not blame yourself for what happened. You'll know you did your best, and that's all that you can do. |
Your mom may be dealing with her loss in her own way. I know you loved your dad but your mom may feel she needs someone to care for her. If your parents really loved each other then she may not be able to live without him and that is her way of not being lonely. If they did not get along she may feel she has found someone she can really care for and maybe be happy with. Whatever the reason you both will have to deal with it. She still loves you. And if she finds someone else she wont love you any less. If you love her you will try to work things out. You father is gone and nothing will bring him back. Nothing anyone can say will make it better. It is something you will need to deal with and move on from. Your mother is still living. She needs you and she still has a life. I lost my son 10 years ago and I so wanted another baby boy to help me deal with it because I missed him so and I wanted a little boy to love again. I realize no one could have taken his place and I couldnt have another child. My husband didnt want to adopt. So I had to just move forward and deal with it. I feel for you, I know how much you are hurting and you wont get over it but it will get easier to deal with it as time goes on. But you still need your mother. She needs you. If you cant deal with the new boyfriend then let her know that but still let her know you love her. Dont let something happen to her and you lose her and she never knows you love her. You will never forgive yourself if you dont let her know you care.
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I agree with Infinitys Echo.
I think that you also need to pick your battles. Some are worth fighting, some arent worth the time and effort. This doesnt seem like one you need to fight about. Children, especially teenagers. act as if they know everything and they are always right. They might not think that way. (trust me, i know i dont know everything yet apparently i still act that way) But they still act like it. My mother lost her father almost 18 years ago and she still cries about it. At the time the person who helped her though that the most was her mother. Just because you dont like the way ur mother is acting doesnt mean you shouldn't talk to her. Always imagine that for just one tiny moment you could be wrong. You are both trying to deal with your grief. Both in different ways. because you are both different people. Try talking to your mother and dealing with the problem head on. Otherwise what happens if you never talk to your mother again? |
You know sometimes it is how you go about telling someone something. There is a lot of anger there. A lot of it is grief. She probably doesnt respond to you because you are confonting her. Why not try just catching her alone and give her a hug. Physical contact opens the way for a discussion. Tell her you love her but that it really hurts you to see some of the behavior she has around her boyfriend. Tell her that maybe you can deal with it later but right now you cant. Tell her you really want to be with her. Dont shout, dont be confrontive. Sometimes people listen more to a quiet spoken word than a shout. Tears wouldnt hurt either. Some people respond more to quiet tears than they will to anger. It should bring out the mother in her. Try to compromise on some things. A little give a little get. Or better yet a heartfelt note. Some people really get what they read. A sticky with I love you on it may mean more to her than words. It sounds like you really love your mom and some time apart may be good for both of you. But a phone call or letter will make her smile as long as it is not confrontive but just to let her know you care and you want to be a family. Also that you miss your dad. Try it.
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