Feeling horrible
 

My ex and I dated for 2 and a half years. We had a horrible relationship because he had a drinking and drug problem. He was a great, smart, fun, talented person but like I said he had a bad problem with alcohol and drugs. When he wasn't drinking he was the nicest guy in the world treated me like a princess but when he drank he got mean and abusive mentally and physically. If it weren't for that I loved the guy unconditionally after the first year the abuse got worse and worse so after I got up enough strength to leave I did. Well when we broke up he called me and stalked me for months so I stopped talking to him on the phone and stopped trying to be just friends and didn't answer when he call or texted. Well seven days before the anniversary of our break up and his 21st birthday I got a call from a girl that I no longer talked to because she tried getting my ex to cheat on me with her. She had told me that my ex was dead. I thought it was a joke and that he was probably hanging out with her and trying to get to me but I had figured out that he really did die. I was always close to his family but when we broke up it wasn't to pretty so I was terrified to go to the funeral but I did. His family pulled me aside and told me he had killed himself and left a letter in his pocket and it was 4 pages long. They told me that most of it was for and about me. Him telling me his apologies for what happened between us. I felt so bad for not talking to him for a year. His sister warned me before I went in to the funeral that there was tons of pictures of me and him. When I went in the first thing I saw was A huge picture of me and him at prom. I broke down crying his mom and dad ran up to me and both hugged me and told me they put up so many picture of us because that was the happiest time of his life. I felt so terrible for ever leaving him. Is that how I am supposed to feel?

Your going to feel some regret and you more than likely will feel terrible for what happened but in my opinion you did what was right by leaving him, i mean if you didnt what would happen if he would have hit just a little too hard? you cant decide the actions of other people you needed to do what was best for your safety

i see why you feel bad, but it's not your fault. he was becoming abusive, so you broke up with him. and then he stalked you, so you did not talk to him. i bet when he wrote that letter he was off of drugs and alcohol, and he realised how awful he was to you when he was drunk or high. i guess maybe it was too much for him? don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault. at least he knew what he did was wrong, right? you were right to cut off all contact with him if he was stalking. you were right to leave him if you were not happy in the relationship. it was his choice to stalk you, and it was his choice to not settle on just friends. and it was his choice to commit suicide. i see why you would feel bad about this, but none of it is your fault. if he really wanted to stay with you in the first place, he would have been willing to quit drugs and not get all drunk for you, so you would feel safe in the relationship. but he didn't. and i think the decisions you made were right ones, and although you feel awful now, if you think it through you will realise that it is not your fault. and i am very sorry for your loss. so sorry.

It's gotta be tough feeling like you were responsible, but you weren't. It was his choice to commit suicide, his choice to give up on life. The problems he had were not your responsibility to fix. You even tried, it seems -- for a year you loved him, and if he didn't recognize the need to be a better person for you, it's not your fault.

I totally second this. My first BF tried to get me to marry him -- I was FOURTEEN! -- and when I simply couldn't have sex with him, he broke up, telling me that I was "too good for him" and trying to get me to pity him, etc., etc. He didn't kill himself, AFAIK, but last I heard (ten years ago or more) he was doing lithium because of mental instability, and his friends said it was all my fault. Um, no. He had major problems, and they did not come from me.

So, stop feeling guilty about it. Feel sad, yes. But not guilty, and not like you were responsible. If you want to do something about the tragedy, look into local charities or drug-abuse programs, see if you can volunteer or donate something that will make you feel like you're doing something about the problems that your ex had.

Gosh, I can imagine seeing all those photos of the two of you being really difficult. I don't think you should beat yourself up over his death. I know the way it turned out, it leaves so many unanswered questions. I'm sure his parents have thought a bunch of 'what ifs', too.

My husband's father sounded very much the same to your boyfriend - an alcoholic, drug addict, and physically abusive person. The time where his mother and father were still together was very difficult, and there were times where he actually stood up for his mother and took the physical abuse. Well finally after the second time of landing in jail, his mother finally found the strength to leave him for good. Not long after that he took his life, and my husband spiraled into a deep depression over it. He said it left so many unanswered questions, and despite it all he still loved his father and I guess a part of him blamed himself for not stepping in before it was too late. He said eventually after much counseling he had to learn it isn't anyone's fault for his death, and it was his father's selfish decision to leave in such a manner.

Despite his better side, your boyfriend had many issues that while the two of you were together I would of wholeheartedly, as a friend, told you to high tail it out of there. You shouldn't have to love your partner unconditionally...I mean if he's hurting you, and doing drugs...two things he does have control over and can change...If he's not willing to change, no one should have to put up with that kind of behavior.

I wish to offer my condolences for the tough time you're under.