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-   -   something i wrote .-. tell what u think please (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=128073)

xx_rainvampire_xx 09-05-2009 05:57 PM

something i wrote .-. tell what u think please
 
In the Dark:
i stand alone in the dark with nothing but the earth around me i think of every surrounding i think of how the world has changed this is not where i wanna be this dark cold and alonely place full of life but is slowly dying is this what i was promised something this is not what i thought of the world i imaged a loving place full of life and love not hate and death i stand alone and by myself just so i wont get hurt and change as the world is i stand in the dark so no one can judge me on i stand in the dark so i wont be seen
in the dark is where i fell safe where no one can hurt me but somehow i still hurt inside blocked off from the world am i only hurting myself in this cold cold world what had become of it this is not what i want to be promised to something cold dead and dark is not what i want to me promised

Hayzel 09-05-2009 06:23 PM

Well, for starters, other than the colon there is no punctuation. As far as content goes there are a lot of powerful words you used, and some of them you overused a little bit but still powerful. You miss words here and there and there are a lot of incomplete thoughts. Things like periods and commas would be nice. Also the "i"'s are supposed to be capitalized. It just comes across as a little weird because you have only 1 punctuation mark and only the title is capitalized. If you're not going to any punctuation or capitalizing then you need to be consistent.

You also may want to reconsider putting this under poetry...


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