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-   -   Small start Should I go on?? (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=128652)

Bookbreath 09-10-2009 09:44 PM

Small start Should I go on??
 
I was sitting there looking at the trees waiting for my cousin to drive through on his dirt bike. It had been over a half an hour since he drove off. I couldn’t even here the engine any more, so I decided something was wrong. I grabbed my helmet off the chair beside me and jumped onto my bike. I flew through the freshly mowed hay field into the first row of trees. The only thing that was going through my mind was what part of the trail Stephan could be on, and if he was dead. I road over the first three jumps and past the first hard right turn. On the second right turn, there was a deep groove in the dirt going over the turn wall into deep grass. He must have hit a rock or hit the turn too fast. I dropped my bike letting the motor die, and ran over the hill.
His bike lay there with bent handlebars and the front tire was a little bit messed up. I didn’t see him any where. I slowly walked into the dead grass that surrounded our track. To my left I thought I heard a rustle of grass but decided it was the wind. It was starting to get dark so if Stephan was hurt I wanted to get him up to the house as fast as I could. I kept walking forward thinking that if he was dead, I would have to go back and life with my mom, and after that big fight we had a few months ago, I wasn’t going to let that happen. I moved in with my cousin to get away from her and her new drinking habits. Stephan kind of turned over a new leaf with me living there. He didn’t party as much and didn’t do weed or any drugs any more.
I lost track of what I was doing but suddenly was reminded by another rustle that came from behind me. I whipped around to find nothing there. “Stephan, is that you?” I asked the blank air all around me. Out of nowhere something grabbed my leg and I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. I didn’t look down, I was paralyzed with fear, I couldn’t even blink. I was shaking with my gloved hands in fists. After what felt like a hour, which was only like a minute or two, the thing let go of my leg and I heard the familiar voice of my big cousin.
“Oh my God Morgan, you should have seen the look on you face, you were so freaked out.” He laughed standing up next to me.
“You jerk, I thought you were dead, and what’s with grabbing my leg huh? Trying to give me a heart attack?

Nolori 09-12-2009 12:26 AM

Glad to see you’re writing again! =D

I know it’s a shorter piece, but I still think you should double space between paragraphs. It makes it more appealing to the eye.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookbreath
…the freshly mowed hay…

I’m pretty sure to attain the status of hay it has to already be dead. Did you mean wheat? Maybe weeds?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookbreath
The only thing that was going through my mind was what part of the trail Stephan could be on, and if he was dead.

That’s awfully morbid. If he’s off of his drugs and done with his partying days (mostly), why is this her first thought? Could we have some kind of explanation? (Either here or further on in the story –if you continue- would be great.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookbreath
…and life with my mom…

Did you mean ‘live’?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookbreath
...and after that big fight we had a few months ago…

There are a lot of ‘and’s in this sentence. I suggest editing the sentence so that it only has one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookbreath
I didn’t look down, I was paralyzed with fear, I couldn’t even blink.

I understand you are trying to go for fragmented thoughts here, and that’s perfect for establishing fear. However, you will probably want to make these each their own sentences instead of commas. You might also consider making them less full:
“I didn’t look down. Too paralyzed with fear. Couldn’t even blink.”
Something along those lines.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bookbreath
“…Trying to give me a heart attack?

You forgot to end the quotation is all.
--

There really didn’t seem to be many grammar or spelling errors. Great job editing that.

I think you should play around with sentence structure more, though. Starting such a vast majority of your sentences with ‘I’ gets tedious after a while.

I also think there seems to be a lack of emotion for first person. When you’re writing in 1st person, you usually need to spend more time working on putting emotion into your sentences. For third person, this would have been fine.

I don’t see why you should stop. Do you like the story? If so, then I say go for it!

Bookbreath 09-12-2009 02:49 AM

I have it written out, but every time I type it I tend to change it so much that it doesnt even seem like the same story. I really do like this story. For some reason all my stories I have been writing have been about me and my cousin. I dont know why. We just met this summer for the first time in like 10 years. I just think of him when ever I write, and it just so happens that he went to jail the other day so Ive been having kind of a hard time that I cant write. I cant even sit still long enough to check my email any more, let alone write something.


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