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-   -   The one (poems 1 and 2) (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=130686)

ForestBorn 09-25-2009 10:38 PM

The one (poems 1 and 2)
 
The One

In a feild of flowers
purple as calming
the beauty is overpowering.

Peace is there
it'll stay forever
hopefully.

But one foul step
it comes crashing down
a flower lays broken
upon the ground.
The feild it turns red as pain
laughter gone
there's only pain
only one to blame.

The flowers Bicker
it worsens
and the fault is on one.

One that cause it
with a move
a flower crushed
the one they weep.

things have changed
will not return
one to blame
and the one they weep.





The One 2

The flowers
red as pain
their bicker softens
and from the sky
falls tears.

The one they smile
soft at first
for the fighting is stopping
if only for a short time.

The flowers face
once more again
but no words of pain flow forth.
The petals touch
the flowers hug.

Peace again restored
the flowers change
their petals dye
deep purple comes alive.
No more red pain
as peace is shown again
if only for a short time.

It shows once more
family is important
no matter the crime.
The one who caused the suffering
they smile
though timidly.

The flowers bring the one in close
family is the most.
The one they smile and laugh again
as the flowers join in.
Peace restored
even to the cause
but still the one
is cautious of all.

Drugged Up D r e a m zz 09-27-2009 05:30 PM

Those are really good. ^_^

For-Chan Cookie 10-01-2009 10:30 AM

Your lines are way too short. Poems don't have to consist of a bunch of tiny lines. You can make them into full lines for a much better poem.

I also think you're being a little too vague. I don't buy into that thought that poems should be vague an inaccessible.

I get what you're trying to say, but I think that you could say it better. And dispelling preconceived notions about poetry will only do you good ^_^


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