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The Siren's Call
The Siren's Call You catch a glimpse from the corner of your eye, You see me smile, intent and wry, You may not know it as you admire, But inside burns a darkened fire, Demanding abuse of your desire. What you see as romance I see as fun, I'll toy around and break you when I'm done, You think I'm harmless, you think I'm nice, But underneath I'm as cold as ice, By the time you'll notice, you're in my vice. Looking down you're at my feet, You call me pretty and call me sweet, I'll take your fragile, loyal heart, And with that smile I'll tear it apart, Your absolute sorrow my work of art. Yet was it worth it to be with me? To fufill your every fantasy? Remember this when you answer my call: I'll lift you up to the stars before I'll let you fall, Come with me and you'll only lose everything after you've had it all. I know it doesn't flow very well, but I felt like showing off anyway, just because I like the message of this poem. It's not as bleak and sad as most of my poems, and for that reason alone I adore it. <3 What do you think? (be as mean as you like. I enjoy rough critiques. Just keep in mind, I'm not a poet by any standards. xD Don't think I have a massive ego about my junky poems.,) |
I think it's very interesting and on the contrary it flows very nice. I could never rhyme like that it frustrates me too much. XD I think the only problem I have is the title. I don't see how it goes with the poem but nonetheless it's a very nice poem.
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I like the imagery and the message behind your poem, certainly. There are places though where I feel like I'm tripping over the words and it breaks the scene you're trying to portray. I do admire your use of rhyme though.
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I'm actually better at it than I used to be, though, so there's that. :3 Thanks for giving me your opinions! |
I used to be that way too. Then I took a poetry class at college and it broke me out of rhyming. I can still do it, better so than before even, but I am capable of clear free verse now as well.
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I hope this helps. LNT |
That actually does help a fair amount.
I'm sorry about the lack of imagery. >> Yet another of my fatal flaws. Next time I write up a poem I'll see what I can do to work on both that and my irritating lack of skills with wording. In this particular poem I found imagery very difficult for me, mostly because I felt like there was little image-wise to report. (Most likely due to my laziness rather than it honestly being true. xD) Thank you again, and I'll keep in mind everything you said. |
.....i like it. it made me think of the mermaids from peter pan, but the mean/ugly ones from the newest live action one. ^w^ yays for rhymes!!! critique back?
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I dont know, personally it reminds me of the sirens from that Sinbad movie. So pretty until you try to reach out and touch them and they turn into fiendish piranha that try to drown you. O.o
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