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-   -   The Siren's Call (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=132326)

Bleak Banter 10-03-2009 01:01 AM

The Siren's Call
 
The Siren's Call

You catch a glimpse from the corner of your eye,
You see me smile, intent and wry,
You may not know it as you admire,
But inside burns a darkened fire,
Demanding abuse of your desire.

What you see as romance I see as fun,
I'll toy around and break you when I'm done,
You think I'm harmless, you think I'm nice,
But underneath I'm as cold as ice,
By the time you'll notice, you're in my vice.

Looking down you're at my feet,
You call me pretty and call me sweet,
I'll take your fragile, loyal heart,
And with that smile I'll tear it apart,
Your absolute sorrow my work of art.

Yet was it worth it to be with me?
To fufill your every fantasy?
Remember this when you answer my call:
I'll lift you up to the stars before I'll let you fall,
Come with me and you'll only lose everything after you've had it all.





I know it doesn't flow very well, but I felt like showing off anyway, just because I like the message of this poem. It's not as bleak and sad as most of my poems, and for that reason alone I adore it. <3 What do you think?
(be as mean as you like. I enjoy rough critiques. Just keep in mind, I'm not a poet by any standards. xD Don't think I have a massive ego about my junky poems.,)

ASingingGaijin 10-03-2009 10:49 PM

I think it's very interesting and on the contrary it flows very nice. I could never rhyme like that it frustrates me too much. XD I think the only problem I have is the title. I don't see how it goes with the poem but nonetheless it's a very nice poem.

kitsuneneo 10-07-2009 03:49 AM

I like the imagery and the message behind your poem, certainly. There are places though where I feel like I'm tripping over the words and it breaks the scene you're trying to portray. I do admire your use of rhyme though.

Bleak Banter 10-07-2009 07:52 AM

Quote:

I think it's very interesting and on the contrary it flows very nice. I could never rhyme like that it frustrates me too much. XD I think the only problem I have is the title. I don't see how it goes with the poem but nonetheless it's a very nice poem.
It's just a reference to the siren's of Greek Mythology, and how they would lure sailors to a rocky death with their beautiful song, which is parallel to what the character in the story does. You know, them both luring helpless victims in with their sweet, innocent demeanor, only to be crushed and swamped by waves? (only literal in one circumstance, I certainly hope. xD )

Quote:

I like the imagery and the message behind your poem, certainly. There are places though where I feel like I'm tripping over the words and it breaks the scene you're trying to portray. I do admire your use of rhyme though.
Wording is always my biggest problem. I always, always rhyme my poetry (I don't know why, I just feel like that's the way it should be done), and I feel proud of my capabilities therein. When it comes to wording the phrases around it in a clear, concise way that both carries the rhyme and follows the flow of the poem however...well, I figure it's hard for everybody. Just harder for me.

I'm actually better at it than I used to be, though, so there's that. :3


Thanks for giving me your opinions!

kitsuneneo 10-07-2009 06:00 PM

I used to be that way too. Then I took a poetry class at college and it broke me out of rhyming. I can still do it, better so than before even, but I am capable of clear free verse now as well.

Lovers Never Tell 10-08-2009 12:53 AM

Quote:

You catch a glimpse from the corner of your eye, period
You see me smile, intent and wry, period
You may not know it as you admire,
But inside burns a darkened fire,no comma
Demanding abuse of your desire.

What you see as romance I see as fun,period
I'll toy around and break you when I'm done,period
You think I'm harmless, you think I'm nice, take out the second "You think I'm".
But underneath I'm as cold as ice,period
By the time you'll notice, you're in my vice.

Looking down you're at my feet,no comma
You call me pretty and call me sweet,Take out he second "call me" and make the comma a period.
I'll take your fragile, loyal heart, no comma
And with that smile I'll tear it apart,period
Your absolute sorrowIS my work of art.

Yet comma was it worth it to be with me?
To fufill your every fantasy?
Remember this when you answer my call:
I'll lift you up to the stars before I'll let you fall, period
Come with me and you'll only lose everything after you've had it all.
I like the general idea, but it's bland. The language is too simple causing the rhyme to be too. You need more imagry and less story telling. A poem doesn't just tell you what's going on, it shows. So paint a picture with your words so people not only know what's going on, but can picture it too.

I hope this helps.

LNT

Bleak Banter 10-08-2009 04:09 PM

That actually does help a fair amount.

I'm sorry about the lack of imagery. >> Yet another of my fatal flaws. Next time I write up a poem I'll see what I can do to work on both that and my irritating lack of skills with wording. In this particular poem I found imagery very difficult for me, mostly because I felt like there was little image-wise to report.

(Most likely due to my laziness rather than it honestly being true. xD)

Thank you again, and I'll keep in mind everything you said.

Dragons_Willow 10-09-2009 09:04 AM

.....i like it. it made me think of the mermaids from peter pan, but the mean/ugly ones from the newest live action one. ^w^ yays for rhymes!!! critique back?

kitsuneneo 10-11-2009 02:00 AM

I dont know, personally it reminds me of the sirens from that Sinbad movie. So pretty until you try to reach out and touch them and they turn into fiendish piranha that try to drown you. O.o


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