Menewsha Avatar Community

Menewsha Avatar Community (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poetry (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=128)
-   -   Lady of the Lake (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=132808)

Syrene 10-06-2009 01:32 AM

Lady of the Lake
 
I was bored a long time ago-

The Lady of the Lake
has begged for God's sake
no love had she
for Lance's heart shall forever be
tied to the beautiful
and lovely
Guinevere

her quest for love failed
so she alone sailed
on her lovely crystal lake
for her heart ached
she took her own life
because of the pain and strife
of losing him to
Guinevere

the trees saw her pain
the birds called her name
but no one actually knew
except a selective few
what anguish was caused
because of the fair
Guinevere

Lovers Never Tell 10-06-2009 10:11 PM

You have a beautiful idea going. However, you lack a lot of the general poetic devices. Rhyme isn't everything, and usually isn't even used a lot. Try adding similes, metaphors, and other things like that. Also, some of the wording is weird such as::
"so she alone sailed"
I'd suggest you use the correct syntax and instead write "so alone she sailed" that way it doesn't ruin the flow of your poem because the reader has to slow down to follow it. Grammer would also be a lot of help here as a way to direct the poem and also to help with where one thought ends and the other beings. Otherwise it just looks like it runs on forever, though line breaks do help out with that. Grammer is typically a little shaking in the poetry world because there's a few forms where grammer doesn't count, but I'm sure you understand why I'm remarking on it here.

Other than that, I see the beginning of talent. I hope this helped out.

Good luck!

LNT


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:33 PM.