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-   -   Grocery List (https://www.menewsha.com/forum/showthread.php?t=133278)

Gawqueenpenguin 10-08-2009 01:58 AM

Grocery List
 
(I had to write this for my Creative writing class... it is not my usual style but i wasnt to post it.)

Love of mine
Would you mind
I need some grapes on a vine

Nuts maybe some pine
Bread of some kind
Chocolate strawberries at least nine

Apples with a good shine
Munster cheese with a rind
Beef chicken swine

Get your self something refined
Be careful of the Starbucks line
And don't forget the wine

You know I like white wine
If you get beer I won't mind
But please do not forget my wine

We shall dine
I will help you unwind
Treat you so divine
You will be on cloud nine

Lovers Never Tell 10-08-2009 02:07 AM

Don't take offence to this, but this reads so confusingly. It's nothing but fragments and lacks so much grammer I can't really even understand it.

Quote:

Beef chicken swine
That line alone just confuses everything without the needed commas and other puncuation:

Quote:

some beef, chicken, swine.
Then there's the repeative line about the wine which is just so boring and simply only serves to take up space. If you're doing repatition you should use it properly and have it actually point out something important, ya know?

Also if you're taking a creative writing class I think you'd undertand me when I say you definitly need more imagry. Rhyming isn't everything in poetry and the wording used is bland and boring for the most part. I feel nothing coming from it other than that perhaps you were forced to write it and really wasn't in to it, ya know?


A poem should show me what's going on, not just tell me.

I hope this helped.

LNT

ivorybyrd 10-09-2009 03:17 AM

I really enjoyed this, and i disagree with the prior comment about it. For it was to be like a grocery list. It reminded me of almost dr. seuss (which i think is a high compliment, the man was a genius)

And you being in a class shows that your still learning, or you wouldnt be in said class. Just keep up the work, make sure to read aloud as you go along, to make sure it sounds like it flows well. Make sure to keep eyes on grammar so you can show that your not just randomly spitting out words as well.


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